Monday, February 18, 2013

bump #46: the more things change

I was thinking about this time last year when we reluctantly made an appointment with a fertility specialist. Remembering how hopeful we were that finally all our struggles to conceive would be over. {Dear year-ago-self, you're a little too optimistic. Dial it down a notch.}

I remember telling the doctor that we would be moving back to California in a year and a half and how he smiled and said, "hopefully with your baby."  {Dear year-ago-doctor, You are so wrong.}

Funny {sad, punch in the stomach, awful} how comforting that statement was then and how much it stings to think of it now.

A whole year has gone by and nothing has changed.


Except maybe one thing... I don't ever want to go to a fertility specialist again :)

No. Certainly something has to have changed.

I am a lot more open to IVF. I was never against it, just never considered it before this year.

Ditto adoption.

I pray more. And I thought I prayed a lot before, but some days I feel like every breath is a prayer.

I'm in the classroom everyday and find myself really valuing each student, every life, a lot more. Even the stinkers! I think about how much someone had to go through to bring them into the world.

I treasure the time I get to spend with my husband, just the two of us. We just got back from spending the weekend in New Orleans and had so much fun. It is so important to make time for fun!

I still struggle with hope. Some days it's easy not completely impossible to be hopeful, to believe that something good is going to come out of all this waiting and hurting. Most days it takes a lot of effort. I suppose that's part of the human experience, but it is not my favorite part.

I was reading through Romans and, as always when reading scripture, was convicted by these words:

"Hope that is seen is not hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we look forward to something we don't yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently." Romans 8:24-25

Patient and confident are not two words I would use to describe myself. They are in fact the complete opposite of my core character. Drats! That's something that needs to change... I'll work on it.

I am learning that this life is made up of more than a few fertile days each month. It's important not to waste all the other days.  I don't want to look back on this time in my life {whether I ever have children or not} and think of it as a waste. Everyday is a gift... but some days are white elephant gifts. I'm learning to deal.

I still feel like I am so far behind. Like all my friends already have so many little ones and I'm just stuck here. {Don't feel too bad for me, at least I have a cute little doggy!}

I saw this the other day and couldn't help but laugh
 because it could have just as easily looked like this:
The more things change, the more they stay the same...
This life has been full of crazy changes, but God is the same yesterday, today, and forever.
He still has a plan. It appears to be a little different than mine.
I need to get on board.