Monday, December 03, 2012

bump #42: the numbers meant nothing

Ok. Here we are again at the end of another failed iui cycle. Ugh. This is all too familiar.

Failed.
Again.

Even though all the numbers looked good.  Failed.
Even though there were 5 healthy follicles. Failed.
Even though we stayed mostly hopeful and positive through this whole ordeal.
Failed.
There are still a lot of questions that remain unanswered.
Why?  Why?  Why?
But there is also this perplexing sense of peace.
When we first stepped foot in the fertility center a lifetime ago in March we didn't know what to expect. {Sidenote: there should be a book entitled "What to expect when you're not expecting" or "Expect the Worst" if you want to skip ahead to the sequel} But we had a number in our heads of how many procedures we were willing to try and how much money we were willing to spend. At this point we tried it all and spent it all which definitely makes us a little uneasy and hesitant to move forward with more extensive treatments {so we aren't going to for a while.}  But even now, broke and empty, there is a sense of peace in knowing that we at least did the best we could with what we have, and no matter what, God is faithful.
I could be pregnant right now and God would be faithful.
I am not pregnant right now and God is still faithful.
We failed.  Still He is faithful.
There is a beautiful song called "I know He knows" by Stefanie Kelly that I first heard years ago at a Hume Lake women's retreat with my mom. I listen to it the most during the really trying times like everyday when I question why God doesn't just use his miracle powers for good and bless us with a baby already.
Why God, why?
I don't know why, but I know He knows.
And that is good enough.
And even when it isn't, when my heart wanders and questions Him,
still He is faithful.