Wednesday, August 7, 2013

bump #55: peace

If I could sum up my prayers from the last year in a snappy little sentence it would be this: "Lord, please give us peace about _____________".  {Insert any and all of the following: seeking fertility treatment, forgoing fertility treatment, pursuing adoption, choosing an insurance plan, saving for IVF, remaining childless FOREVER.} Ok, so I know none of these are synonymous with forever, but it all feels so final. Like I make a choice and that's it, I'm stuck.

We've reached a fork in the road and rather than pick a path I just want to turn around.

The truth is, I don't feel at peace about any of those options.
No "right answer" is jumping out at me.

In the past when I've made these sort of huge, important decisions I have always felt at peace about the path God led me to. In this circumstance I find it disheartening to not feel 100% (or even 60%) about any of the potential choices. What to do? What to do? And all of this on the heels of a big move back to San Diego where we need to seek out all new specialists and clinics, and probably re-do all of our previous tests and diagnostics.

The thought of starting all over again is daunting. It weighs heavy on my soul. And so I think of these beautiful words...

"When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll.
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul."

Lately it's been all sea billows. And my soul... it ain't so well. It would be more accurate to say that my soul is weary, doubtful, and just over it in regard to fertility. In fact, if I were to write my own lyrics to that classic hymn it would probably go something like this:

"When peace like a river seems so far away,
when sorrows like seagulls poop all over the place.
Whatever the heck is going on, all I know how to say
is this sucks and my soul ain't so well."
One thing I do have peace about is not giving up my teaching career to become a song writer :)
For now, my prayer remains the same with a minor addition: "Lord, please give us peace about __________. And whatever happens, please make it well with our souls. Amen."