bump #49: perspective

It's April and it is going to be a very exciting month because so many of my friends are welcoming brand new babies into the world in the next couple weeks. It makes me super happy because I know exactly how longed for, prayed over, and loved these little ones are.

They are proof that God still works miracles and I've needed that reminder lately.

It is some kind of paradox that I can still be sad about infertility and not having a baby of my own, but at the same time, also be truly, whole-heartedly happy for my friends. Though I'm admittedly way happier for the ones who overcame infertility to get here than for the ones who "weren't trying and just got a surprise". But I'm happy for them all :) 

I think I'm almost to that place of acceptance, you know in the Kubler-Ross mumbo jumbo model. That is the technical term for it, no? Not that I don't fluctuate daily between denial, bargaining and what not!
But at this point it's easier to take a step back and let go of the sadness so I can share in others' joy.

Somehow my perspective changed.

Changed from "Why isn't it ever me?"

to "Your will be done."

It's been a gradual change, and really more of a struggle. I still can't understand why we have such great obstacles in our lives, but I'm learning to lean into Christ when it all gets to be too much.

His will, not mine.

I always dreaded April when it comes to infertility because April means the year is one third over. That means no baby this {calendar} year. For me it means I will definitely be in my 30's when we finally have a family. That used to really upset me. And 30 isn't even old, but in the world of baby-making it's when your biological clock kicks into overtime.

When I was young and stupid I thought I would be done having babies by the time I was 30.

Now I would be elated and consider myself beyond blessed to even have a baby at all,

yet alone in my 30's.

There's that change in perspective again.

In summation:

April is now a happy month.

30 is the new 10.

If it is God's will for me to have a baby it will happen.

Maybe it will even be one of those "surprise" ones. Here's hoping! 

Just as long as I don't set any new records in the oldest lady to have a baby category

I think I'll be alright.



 Disgusting or Determined?

Funny how your perspective changes.  But I'm still going with disgusting on this one.