bump #57: pms

Today was the day I hit my breaking point. Everything that could go wrong went wrong. It feels like my head exploded. I don't remember how I even got home, but the second I walked through the door I lost it. Sobs and sniffles and incoherent words along the lines of "I haven't eaten all day, and I have to pee so bad, and the parents are all incarcerated."

Let me back up.

Saturday morning I woke up with a UTI. I have only had two bladder infections in my entire life, but by Saturday my kidneys were in so much pain I couldn't stand up and I thought I was going to die. I probably had it all week; as a new teacher I don't have time to do anything, much less go pee when I need to. Thank God my new insurance kicked in last week and I was able to get on antibiotics right away.

The only problem with antibiotics is they make you super nauseous. So I have been uncomfortable and queasy for the past four days. Normally I could handle that, but yesterday PMS showed up like a dark cloud raining down cray cray, emotional what not, and a fog I can't seem to get out of. On top of the "I feel like I'ma barf" meds, everyday life kept escalating, and it's only Tuesday, so you can only imagine how pleasant I am. Usually right before my period comes I am crampy and cranky. No big deal. But once or twice a year my hormones get all out of whack and I turn into a teary eyed, unpredictable mess. This is one of those times.

PMS before infertility was awful, no joke. But PMS after infertility is insane. There is something about knowing, without a doubt, every month, that this is not "the month" that makes it infinitely worse. Everything seems so final and uncontrollable. I'm not a mom and I'll never get to be a mom and everything is awful. Normal teacher Bren doesn't make a big deal about my 5th grade students' parents being years younger than me, but today it was all too much. All I saw was a 25 year old with four kids telling me how to do my job. And all I could do was suck it up, hold it together for the next 7 hours, come home, and cry. In all honesty, that lady young lady girl child is a hot mess with a bad attitude and no social skills, but for a minute I was so jealous of her. She has something I don't. Life is so unfair. More so when you're premenstrual, obviously.

After suffering through the day where technology failed me, my laptop died in the middle of a power point presentation, half the class couldn't do basic multiplication, everybody hated everybody, and my recess and lunch break went to dealing with behavior problems (no wonder I come home starving with bladder infections), there was a staff meeting. It wasn't the kind with cookies and warm fuzzies. It was the kind where we review every minute detail about everything pertaining to our audit on Thursday.. Halloween. Yes, the District Superintendent has great timing. I cannot think of a worse day to be observed than Halloween except for maybe the day after Halloween. The hits keep on coming.

In reviewing our school data I learned that our elementary school students have the highest percentage of incarcerated parents (mom, dad, or both) in all of San Diego County. We also have the highest percentage of homeless families. My heart sank. How can I teach these kids about fractions when they're in broken homes at best, assuming they even have a home? Then the principal told us that a kid threatened to bring a gun to school and shoot one of the teachers last week. As if we weren't all on edge already due to current events. He then went on to say that another student in the classroom right next to mine did bring a gun to school today (a pellet gun, whatever that is), and shot several rounds into his backpack during class. He is currently suspended for 5 days with a court date pending. I have no words.

I have to think that some of my current mental breakdown is totally warranted. Basically everything sucks, and it sucks even more because of PMS.

bump #56: when baby making takes a backseat

 I might as well just out myself as the worst blogger and worst infertile. The last month or so has been devoid of blog posts and entirely consumed with

finally moving into our new apartment (pics here),

We moved in August, but it's just starting to feel like home. Pumpkin spice lattes help a lot.

starting a new job (pics here),

and decorating and redecorating my classroom as well as fulfilling the coursework and staff development requirements of being a first year teacher (14 hour days, y'all)

and helping organize my sister's wedding (pics here).

All fun things, but all super overwhelming. The silver lining of living in this constant state of craziness is that I am getting a lot done and I haven't even thought about having a baby for more than a couple minutes each day because there's simply no time. Not sure if that really counts as a plus, but it sure beats period math.

Of course I still want to be a mommy more than anything in the world, but I'm preparing myself for that to continue to be a very challenging endeavor. The thought that we've been trying to get pregnant for over 3 years knocks the wind out of me. So does the thought of stepping foot in another doctor's office. I did a search for fertility clinics in San Diego the other day and then promptly closed my laptop and walked away without taking another glance. I couldn't do it, it was like PTSD or something. All the icky memories came flooding back at me and all I could do was shut it away, pray for a miracle, and move on. There are no guarantees and I can't handle anymore stress.

I am so grateful to finally have a teaching job and I want to keep it :)  Fertility treatments are like a whole other full time job and ain't nobody got time for that. So, for now (and the next few months), I am going to focus on the good in life, work my bum off, and put all the stress of baby making on hold for a while. It's like I'm trading in Gonal-F for grading papers and Lupron for writing lesson plans. I can't help but think that being surrounded by 10 year old maniac children all day is serving as a fertility deterrent!