bump #99: 6 months and reflecting on grace

Oliver is 6 months old. I know that's still itty bitty, but it's actually quite monumental.

In such a short time, everything has changed.

I look back to 6 months ago and I didn't have a clue. I read all the books you're supposed to read and did as much prep work as I could, but nothing really prepares you for what happens when you see your baby for the first time. Your heart stops. It leaps out of your body and it is raw, exposed, open, like never before.

Before Oliver I kept my heart close, closed off even, and protected. Infertility and fear had cut it deep and made it hard. So hardened, that even as I was asking God for grace to get through the tough times, I was turning my heart away from Him because it seemed like He wasn't there. I knew He was, but that still didn't make it any easier.

"Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me."

 Psalm 23:4

Replace the phrase "darkest valley" with whatever trench you are in. We all have a valley to walk through and I wish I could say I walk through my valleys with grace.

But that would be a steaming pile of BS.

It is more accurate to say I trudge awkwardly, with a mouth full of complaints.

That doesn't make for a very pretty Psalm though.

All that to say I'm learning.

I'm learning that God's grace is bigger than my mess.
Bigger than my hurt, bigger than my failures, bigger than my valley.

And I have so, so much to be grateful for. Obviously it is infinitely easier to say that on this side of the valley, but it's true.

I'm learning that God's grace is far reaching; it knows no bounds.

And my heart wanes, but He remains.

I'm learning what it means to be a parent beyond what I read in books.

I'm learning that I will fail.
A lot.

But His grace is enough.