bump #25: cautiously optimistic

That is how I would describe our outlook after our post-op visit with the doctor on Friday, cautiously optimistic.

We are cautious because this is not our first bump in the road on infertility boulevard. It is the 25th bump. It is also nearing the 25th month that we have been hoping and praying for a baby. Ouch. For all I know there could be 25 more bumps just around the corner. And it is for that very reason that I just upped my credit limit enabling me to self medicate with retail therapy as needed.

Kidding. Kind of.

We are optimistic because it appears that all of the known obstacles (namely that pesky polyp) are out of the way. And it only took like 5 incredibly painful, expensive, and invasive procedures! That sounds sassy, but believe me, I know that it could have been way worse, so I am actually seriously grateful that fingers crossed the worst is over. At least, at this point, we have done everything we possibly can on our end to overcome infertility. So yes, we are optimistic.

But optimistic doesn't necesarilly mean happy. It means we're trying to see the good in all of this. Trying to see God in all of this. It hasn't been easy. Optimistic does not mean that we are all smiles and sunshine. And I'm learning that that's ok.

Don't read too much into that, I am still a happy, bubbly bren. This has just been a very challenging season in our lives and God is showing me that he loves me and carries me through the good times and the tough times and I don't have to pretend like everything is great all the time. It's character building :)   

It actually felt strange to leave the fertility center and not have to schedule another procedure, or make an appointment for an exploratory ultrasound, or fill a prescription. It was a relief, but it was also rather anti-climactic being done there. I wasn't expecting a diploma or some kind of congratulatory ceremony. But in hindsight a little gold medal or something would have been nice. I mean, it is the olympics afterall.  No, on the surface it was just a doctor's office, but inside it felt more like I was leaving a war zone. Battle-scarred, broken, tired, and just over it.

I feel like after all we have done, we are still back at bump #1.
In my head I know that's not true. But my heart needs some convincing.

In fact, I have some pretty disgusting photos from the hysteroscopy last month that prove bump #1 is a thing of the past.

(Sorry for the gross factor, but my life mantra is "pics or it didn't happen", so here are a few pics.)

If you think of it like a blimp, it's not quite as icky.

The doctor explained all of this to me... something about how he removed the polyp and scraped out the potential polyps.
I don't remember what else he said, I just remember thinking, who knew I was growing coral in my uterus?

So here we are.

We don't know what happens next.

We are ok with that. We are working on being ok with that.