bump #42: the numbers meant nothing

Ok. Here we are again at the end of another failed iui cycle. Ugh. This is all too familiar.

Failed.
Again.

Even though all the numbers looked good.  Failed.
Even though there were 5 healthy follicles. Failed.
Even though we stayed mostly hopeful and positive through this whole ordeal.
Failed.
There are still a lot of questions that remain unanswered.
Why?  Why?  Why?
But there is also this perplexing sense of peace.
When we first stepped foot in the fertility center a lifetime ago in March we didn't know what to expect. {Sidenote: there should be a book entitled "What to expect when you're not expecting" or "Expect the Worst" if you want to skip ahead to the sequel} But we had a number in our heads of how many procedures we were willing to try and how much money we were willing to spend. At this point we tried it all and spent it all which definitely makes us a little uneasy and hesitant to move forward with more extensive treatments {so we aren't going to for a while.}  But even now, broke and empty, there is a sense of peace in knowing that we at least did the best we could with what we have, and no matter what, God is faithful.
I could be pregnant right now and God would be faithful.
I am not pregnant right now and God is still faithful.
We failed.  Still He is faithful.
There is a beautiful song called "I know He knows" by Stefanie Kelly that I first heard years ago at a Hume Lake women's retreat with my mom. I listen to it the most during the really trying times like everyday when I question why God doesn't just use his miracle powers for good and bless us with a baby already.
Why God, why?
I don't know why, but I know He knows.
And that is good enough.
And even when it isn't, when my heart wanders and questions Him,
still He is faithful.

Comments

  1. Awww Bren... :( I've been thinking of you all day, waiting for the news. I'm sorry it's not happier news. I love your faith & perspective. But I'm also here for you if you want to vent and bitch for awhile. Much love and many prayers for yall as you embark on the next steps, whatever they may be. Maybe they will include a weekend trip to Georgia? I've heard hanging out in Georgia has some kind of miraculous womb-healing powers....??? (on visitors, not natives, obviously!)

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  2. :( I prayed for you this morning and even though this isn't what you OR I prayed for, I'm thankful that you know God is still there and hasn't abandoned you. I hope you're able to relax and enjoy the distractions of the holidays while you all figure out what (if anything) is next (and when). Lots of love from this side of Texas...

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  3. Oh Bren! I'm so sorry! I was so hopeful! What is up with these IUI's?!?! Do they work for anybody? We are right there with you: broke and questioning what's next and when. It's not a fun place to be. But I'm so glad you're finding some peace. I'm with Erika though, a trip to Georgia may be just what you need! Hang in there! Lots of love!

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  4. I am sorry, Bren. I've been thinking of you and hoping for a happy update. Praying that the next steps for you and your husband become apparent soon. And, yes, keep that faith! I know that was all I had going for me at some of the hardest points.

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