If I could sum up my prayers from the last year in a snappy little sentence it would be this: "Lord, please give us peace about _____________". {Insert any and all of the following: seeking fertility treatment, forgoing fertility treatment, pursuing adoption, choosing an insurance plan, saving for IVF, remaining childless FOREVER.} Ok, so I know none of these are synonymous with forever, but it all feels so final. Like I make a choice and that's it, I'm stuck.
We've reached a fork in the road and rather than pick a path I just want to turn around.
The truth is, I don't feel at peace about any of those options.
No "right answer" is jumping out at me.
In the past when I've made these sort of huge, important decisions I have always felt at peace about the path God led me to. In this circumstance I find it disheartening to not feel 100% (or even 60%) about any of the potential choices. What to do? What to do? And all of this on the heels of a big move back to San Diego where we need to seek out all new specialists and clinics, and probably re-do all of our previous tests and diagnostics.
The thought of starting all over again is daunting. It weighs heavy on my soul. And so I think of these beautiful words...
"When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll.
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul."
Lately it's been all sea billows. And my soul... it ain't so well. It would be more accurate to say that my soul is weary, doubtful, and just over it in regard to fertility. In fact, if I were to write my own lyrics to that classic hymn it would probably go something like this:
"When peace like a river seems so far away,
when sorrows like seagulls poop all over the place.
Whatever the heck is going on, all I know how to say
is this sucks and my soul ain't so well."
One thing I do have peace about is not giving up my teaching career to become a song writer :)
For now, my prayer remains the same with a minor addition: "Lord, please give us peace about __________. And whatever happens, please make it well with our souls. Amen."
This is good stuff Bren! Finding new doctors is SO daunting, sometimes, I just want to stay where I'm at even if the service is poor, the cost is high, and the results are marginal. I can't imagine moving and NEEDING to change, that's awful. Ughh!
ReplyDeleteMy soul has felt like it's in a gale for the last year, so I'm a really big fan of your new lyrics!
Hoping you find some peace and direction soon!
I'm praying that you find peace and that your peace leads you to making the right decision. I truly believe in all of this, that if you follow your gut and your heart, that you'll end up on a path that you are meant to be on. I know you'll get there. xo
ReplyDeleteHow much do I love your new song lyrics? When I publish my next hymnal, I'm going to touch base with you first about a few revisions. :)
ReplyDeleteBut seriously...I know exactly how you feel. I hate that your move is causing you to have to re-decide and re-think stuff. Ugh.
I can relate to this... even with picking a sorority (lame comparison, I know) and figuring out when I had found "the one" I would marry, everyone always said, "you'll just know!" but that was never really the case for me. And same with fertility treatment... I remember being very anxious about IVF even weeks into the process. So for me, sometimes the peace didn't come until after making the decision!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, all that to say, I will pray that God IS clear with you and makes the decision(s) obvious, and that He puts you and Andrew on the same page!