bump #59: it doesn't get easier

The bumps are few and far between these days. And really they're more like twinges, little jabs that catch me off guard... Someone else is pregnant at work, the only parking spot available is the one that says "expectant mother", the baby clothes at Target are so adorable that I have to intentionally walk the outer perimeter of the store when I'm shopping so I don't have to look at them.  It just hurts.  I don't have new thoughts on this never ending struggle, or even the words to write. I can sum up the last 4 years in a wimpy little sentence:

Trying to have a baby is hard, and it doesn't get easier.

My friends who are parents will probably tell you that having a baby is hard, and it doesn't get easier either.  They're right. {Insert comment about the grass always being greener...}

I can't explain why, but I really thought it would get easier. That at some point I would just accept the fact that I can't have a baby (without serious medical intervention and miracles) and move on.

But I can't move on.

For the last year and a half I have actively avoided fertility treatment. It is easier to view it as a distant possibility like "we can always do IVF, surrogacy, adoption" than to deal with the real potential for failure. It goes from being an open-ended option to being the only option, which makes it a lot scarier. I know IVF is the next step if I ever want to experience pregnancy, but I also know that if it doesn't work I'll feel like there are no more steps left. Somehow 3 failed IUI's doesn't bring out my optimism about moving forward with IVF. Yes, every procedure is independent of the others and has an equally likely chance of success, but it feels like my chance of success is always zero.

I need to come at this from a different perspective. My heart is heavy and hurting and I'm ready for it to feel different.

A couple months ago, I read this post from one of my favorite writers, Jen Hatmaker, and something she wrote resonated with me. The gist of it was this: we pray and pray, and "we often don't end up with what we wanted, but we somehow end up with a different heart."

Obviously, I have not ended up with what I wanted, but somehow I know God is working on my heart.

Comments

  1. Oh Bren, I am so sorry. I hate infertility so much- I hated it for me and I hate it for you and all my friends still battling it. I wish there were words that I could share to somehow heal your heart, but I know that's not possible. Hang in there and know that you're thought of and prayed for every day. XO

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  2. Ughhh! Hate, hate, hate, hate it! I wish so badly I could say "Do this. Take this one step and it'll be worth it/work out." You're so right about the fear... The next step is always possible until you try it and realize it's not the next step, nor is it the end. So sorry that you're stuck in this limbo land. Hugs, my friend!

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  3. This was a good post - I am sorry that life is so hard for us women struggling with infertility. Good luck and keep moving forward - it's all we can do.

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