bump #108: FET

*originally written January 8, 2019

Frozen embryo transfer.

This was always part of the plan. To be honest, I never in my wildest dreams thought that IVF would work for us... on the first try... or that we would go on to get pregnant naturally when Ollie was only 4 months old. I thought that IVF would fail and an FET would be our only hope.

But you know what happened.

I went from painfully longing for a baby to simultaneously having one in my arms, one in my belly, and one in the freezer! 

There is no tactful way to say that, and I have to crack jokes because it really is a perplexing pendulum that I still can't wrap my mind around. So I make inappropriate jokes and hope people know I have a good heart under the sarcasm.

Truthfully, I am so, so grateful that we have this one remaining embryo, because going into this process, it was always, always part of the plan to use it. I originally thought it was our only hope at having a child. Long story short: we had 3 embryos and implanted 2, then we held our breath knowing that there are no guarantees. That IVF resulted in our precious baby, Oliver, and then our miracle surprise ("buy one get one free" -again with the inappropriate jokes) sweet baby, Everett. I've told this story a million times to everyone I meet because I still cannot believe it. I also haven't slept in 4 years so I cannot remember one day from the next and live in this "50 First Dates" sordid reality so I apologize if you've heard it a million times! Anyway, 4 years ago we were ecstatic to have one remaining embryo. One more chance.

We still feel that way.
Excited for what may be. 

I know the odds are not great. I know how disappointment feels. I know we are beyond blessed to have our boys. None of that is lost on me. But none of that changes the hope in our hearts that we will bring home a baby in 2019.

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February 19, 2019 - Transfer day

5 years later we are closing the IVF/FET chapter of our lives by transferring our last frozen embryo. We have a total peace in our hearts about this, but to be honest, we didn't know what to expect. So we went in with high hopes and the assurance that we had done everything right to prepare for a best-case-scenario FET (estrogen tablets, prenatal vitamins, folic acid, baby aspirin, ultrasounds, bloodwork, progesterone shots - ouch!). We want to give our little embryo the best chance at success.

But.

The thawing process isn't perfect. And technology has changed over the last 5 years. And our embryo wasn't in the most perfect condition to begin with. Our hearts sank when the embryologist showed us this picture...

A day 5 FET should more closely resemble this image...

She tenderly explained that there was good news and bad news. "The blastocyst has two working parts- the inner cell mass which is a group of cells which give rise to all the cells of the baby and the trophectoderm (outer) cells that surround the inner mass and give rise to the placental cells."..."For an embryo to continue, it must have sufficient cells in each category to survive." Ours had a decent inner cell, but the placental outer cell did not survive the thawing process. Without that outer cell, implantation is unlikely. For reference, I have a picture of this embryo above the embryo that became Oliver below.

Our embryo today, at time of transfer...

Dr. Google explains it like this...

Both our embryologist and reproductive endocrinologist were encouraging and reminded us that they've transferred much "worse off" embryos that resulted in healthy babies and "better off" embryos that didn't.

Bottom line: Every life is a miracle. We're hoping and praying for a miracle.