bump #31: when do you tell people

I'm still navigating this whole I want a baby NOW and it seems like it's going to happen NEVER thing. I would say "infertility" or "trying to conceive" but I'm sick of those terms. They're blah. And not nearly whiney enough to convey the aggravated tone in my voice.

So my question for today is this: when do you tell people that you are struggling with WaBnow? (wanting a baby now - I like how wabnow sounds as opposed to TTC. It'll catch on, give it time!)

I know the general protocol for announcing a pregnancy is to wait 12 weeks, or until most of the first trimester has passed. But just so you know, I am going to announce it here lickety split. Like still holding the positive pee pee stick in one hand and typing with the other!

So what is the protocol with telling people that you aren't able to get pregnant?
I know the obvious... not at a baby shower or a wedding or any other joyous occasion. But how long do you wait? We have been Wabnow for 2+ years. Do you think everybody already knows?

I'm still not ready to come out of my proverbial unpregnant closet!

So far we have been super private about it. It wasn't until a few months ago that I even shared it with my mom. Funny story: my parent's house is my permanent address since we're pretty mobile right now, and a lot of my mail gets delivered to them. So when a bill for $1200 for an IUI from the fertility center arrived in May my mom immediately called me and was all flipped out because obviously someone had stolen my credit card or something about identity theft. It was then that I knew I had to either get on board with the credit card theft theory or just come clean about the whole thing. I came clean. But fast forward to right now and only a couple of my closest friends are in the know. The support, love, and prayers from those friends has been amazing and I feel silly for not telling them sooner, but I also feel like it's nice to keep it on the down low because I don't want to talk about it all the time. I totally appreciate when my close friends ask how we're doing and check in on us, that's comforting. And I LOVE comments on the blog because that is the best reminder that we're not alone in this. The hesitance to go public with all of it really just stems from having to explain something that I don't understand.

I find it hard to believe that a polyp would be the only cause of our bumpless state, so what we are experiencing is still classified as "unexplained infertility." I can't explain it. It's out of my control. But keeping it contained, confined to this space, and to you, my confidantes, makes it feel a little more managable.

I suppose it's different for everybody, and you tell whoever you want to whenever you feel comfortable. I just feel like a bit of a fraud keeping something I want so badly hidden.  Afterall my entire existence is blasted all over facebook and I don't give that a second thought. Sharing our struggle with infertility just stresses me out. Oy. I don't know where all this anxiety is coming from, afterall I am still giving the old "relax" advice a try this month. Deep breaths.


  1. clearly. you can "accidentally" send her a link. holidays are hard for everybody. one year (a long time ago) my grandmother informed me that she had already had three babies by my age... thanks grandma. I think she was one shy of the finish line by my current age. the good thing about coming out... she doesn't mention it.

  2. I think you are right: It is very different for everybody! I told 3 of my closest friends fairly early on and my older sister, but until we had been trying for 15 months, I hadn't really told many people. Then I broke down in tears in front of my Mom one day and it all spilled out. We told my husband's parents and both of our extended families sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas last year after several very uncomfortable encounters at family get togethers (jokes, questions, comments about, "Isn't it about time?!, etc). For us, it was a weight lifted off our shoulders...people left us alone or asked more appropriate, sensitive questions (for the most part, anyway). We kept it pretty quiet in our circle of friends, though, because (like you said)we didn't want to talk about it ALL THE TIME and we wanted some safe places to just be us instead of "infertile us."

    You'll know what's right for you in regards to telling people you are wabnow! Thinking of you!

  3. Yikes, the coming out. Honestly, for us it was never a big planned "thing." Like our close friends sort of knew all along-- from the very beginning, even before we had any idea we would have issues. They just knew we were ready/trying/hoping...so when it started being a year, eighteen months, I mean...we didn't have to explain anything, they already knew we were trying and hadn't STOPPED, so...they could put 2 and 2 together. Therefore it wasn't any big announcement when we started seeing drs, having IUIs, etc. So that was nice. Our families sort of knew along the way as well. Once we had a diagnosis and a few failed IUIs under our belts, our families and close friends respectfully helped 'spread the news' to more distant family/friends so that we never had to make a big deal out of announcing/telling people, but also so that people would KNOW and not make uncomfortable/jerky comments at family gatherings, etc. For now, the only weird/uncomfortable time we have to 'announce' is when we meet new people or something, new co-workers. Maybe you can get your parents to tactfully spread the news so that the holidays aren't awful. Your mom could go deliver it with a "it's a really tough time for them, so please try to be sensitive about it" kind of thing so that people remember to ACT NICE!

  4. I am admittedly an over-sharer, so we went public at 6 months. For me, it was easier to let the cat out of the bag because I didn't feel like I had to keep it secret from some and not from others, and people knew (for the most part!) not to make idiotic comments. Blogging has been very therapeutic for me so I'm glad we did "come out" about it, but I can see the upside to not letting the whole world in on your business too! Especially your family member... she needs to be slapped (lovingly, of course).

    Also, I hate the term "unexplained infertility"... could there be anything less helpful? It's like when the weatherman says a hurricane might hit Houston because we're in the "cone of uncertainty." Ridiculous.


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