bump #58: this path

²¹ Your ears will hear sweet words behind you: “Go this way. There is your path; this is how you should go” whenever you must decide whether to turn to the right or the left.

-Isaiah 30:21

This life is full of decisions. Easy ones, challenging ones, and the decisions you put off as long as possible. Marrying Andrew was the easiest decision. No brainer. Best decision I ever made. Picking a college major, not so easy, but ultimately inconsequential. Plus, think of how "well rounded" (read indecisive and scholastically shallow) I am for having studied everything from computer programming to flat pattern making. Ironically, I don't know how to operate my mac or change the needle in my sewing machine. Guess I slipped through the cracks in academia land. Deciding to move to Texas was a toughie, but it was a case of God closing doors and opening a window.  A hot, humid window to a perpetual sauna, but you get the idea. Looking back, it was really good for us. It made us stronger. I hope to one day be able to say the same for infertility. Obviously minus the "really good" part and emphasis on the "stronger." Some decisions change the course of your whole life.

Deciding to start a family was an easy decision.

At first.

And then it wasn't.

The last 3 years of not knowing how, or when, or if that "family" will ever happen for us has been the worst. I try to live a life without regrets, without worrying "if only we had done this or that". But I regret a lot of things. I regret silly things like stock piling ovulation predictors and believing as long as I was ovulating each month there wasn't a problem. I regret buying gender neutral baby clothes the day we threw out the birth control. (Although if I'm being honest, shabby chic pink rose onesies are not the definition of gender neutral. I will still make a case for the leopard print, though.) I regret bargaining with God... please tell me I'm not the only one who has done this. God, please, please let us have a baby! If you let me get pregnant I will shout from the rooftops how wonderful and amazing you are. I'll be that obnoxious girl on Facebook that starts all status updates with "Praise the Lord...", "God is so good!" I'll read the Bible everyday, all day, well at least cover to cover in a year. And other much sillier promises that amount to me sounding like a whiney brat. It doesn't work that way, and I regret thinking that I could change God's mind. Obviously this is all part of His plan and I regret not trusting him fully and failing in my faith daily.

I do praise Him though, because His faithfulness is new every morning,

and I surely need it.

This week was rough. The kind of week where you question everything. Is this the right job? Is this the right path?  Are we where we're supposed to be?  Do my shoes match? Seriously questioning everything. And then I opened my Bible, because God didn't get back to me on that whole "if I read my Bible everyday for a year" thing, so I'm still holding out :) and I read that verse in Isaiah.

"Sweet words behind you... this is your path."

And then there was calm. The calm that only comes from the Holy Spirit. Only He can take this mess of a week, this mess of the last few years, and breathe new life into it.

I didn't choose this path. Let's get real, nobody chooses it!  But I do choose to believe that God is at work here, that "He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion."

So I continue on this path.

bump #55: peace

If I could sum up my prayers from the last year in a snappy little sentence it would be this: "Lord, please give us peace about _____________".  {Insert any and all of the following: seeking fertility treatment, forgoing fertility treatment, pursuing adoption, choosing an insurance plan, saving for IVF, remaining childless FOREVER.} Ok, so I know none of these are synonymous with forever, but it all feels so final. Like I make a choice and that's it, I'm stuck.

We've reached a fork in the road and rather than pick a path I just want to turn around.

The truth is, I don't feel at peace about any of those options.

No "right answer" is jumping out at me.

In the past when I've made these sort of huge, important decisions I have always felt at peace about the path God led me to. In this circumstance I find it disheartening to not feel 100% (or even 60%) about any of the potential choices. What to do? What to do? And all of this on the heels of a big move back to San Diego where we need to seek out all new specialists and clinics, and probably re-do all of our previous tests and diagnostics.

The thought of starting all over again is daunting. It weighs heavy on my soul. And so I think of these beautiful words...

"When peace like a river attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll.

Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say

It is well, it is well with my soul."

Lately it's been all sea billows. And my soul... it ain't so well. It would be more accurate to say that my soul is weary, doubtful, and just over it in regard to fertility. In fact, if I were to write my own lyrics to that classic hymn it would probably go something like this:

"When peace like a river seems so far away,

when sorrows like seagulls poop all over the place.

Whatever the heck is going on, all I know how to say

is this sucks and my soul ain't so well."

One thing I do have peace about is not giving up my teaching career to become a song writer :)

For now, my prayer remains the same with a minor addition: "Lord, please give us peace about __________. And whatever happens, please make it well with our souls. Amen."



bump #50: guest post from husband

Brensbabybump has been my little outlet for our infertility woes of the last year or so. It's a safe place for me to vent about our struggle to conceive and, usually, try to find some humor in the suckiness. But lately I've been having a tough time getting my thoughts together. This has been a strange season, can I get an amen? And while it's always easy for me to post silly outfit pictures and other meaningless babble on my other blog, I've been neglecting this little space. So I thought for this momentous (?) 50th bump post, I would have my husband, Andrew who does write for a living after all, write about his perspective on our bump-less state.

*He's getting his doctorate in literature so if you see any grammatical errors on his part he owes me $5!

According to several medical professionals, I shouldn’t be here right now.  When I was born, I was breach with my head up near my mom’s rib cage.  If I hadn’t have been a C-section, I probably wouldn’t have made it.  Shortly after I was a born, a doctor told my mom that I had some sort of weird newborn disease and that I probably wouldn’t live very long (thankfully, he was wrong).  Fast forward four years and one sister later, and yet another doctor tells my mom after an exam that she has a septuated uterus and if she had gone to him before she had kids that he would have told her that having a baby would have been impossible for her.

Needless to say, I am acutely and personally aware that getting pregnant, let alone delivering a healthy baby, is a miracle.  I realize that calling birth a miracle is a cliché of epic proportions, one that can be easily dispelled by looking at the rapidly rising world population or watching a birthing video (which I’ve managed to avoid thus far, unless you count that one scene in Knocked Up *shudder*).  However, as a would-be father, I sometimes find that this tired cliché can be an unexpected source of strength.  Why do I think this?  Because I am proof positive that miracles can and do happen.

Brenda and I have been trying to get pregnant since just after we moved to Texas, and I’ll admit that when we first started, I wasn’t totally convinced we were ready.  Focusing on the three years of PhD classes, exams, and school-induced poverty, I could not help but think that we were rushing into something and that we’d always have more time to worry about kids later.  A very big part of me wishes I could go back in time and smack my three-years-ago self in his comically over-sized head.  I had no idea that nearly three years and several thousand dollars later we would still be childless with no inkling of what is actually wrong with us.  I thought time was an endless resource for us; turns out, it was (and still is) our enemy.

In spite of the uncertainty of our infertility journey and the instability of our lives in general as I finish my PhD and wonder if I will in fact have a job waiting when I graduate, I am absolutely, 100% convinced that Brenda and I will be parents, some way or another.  Why?  Because ever since I was a little kid, I’ve known that I want to be a father.   Even when I’ve wondered if the timing is right for us, I’ve never doubted that I want to have kids.  I know Brenda has said similar things on this blog before, but I don’t believe that God puts desires like these into our hearts just to disappoint us like Lucy with the football in “Peanuts.”  God gave us the desire to be parents because we will be parents.  The waiting may be the proverbial hardest part (now I’ve just Tom Petty’d myself), but one thing I’ve tried to remember throughout our wait is that God has not forgotten us and that his capacity for miracles has not been exhausted.  I am able to write this post because of a series of pretty huge miracles.  I know that however we are able to start our family it will be because of God’s miraculous love for us.  It may be hard to trust in that promise sometimes, but God’s faithfulness is not limited by our lack of it.  Thank God for that!

bump #49: perspective

It's April and it is going to be a very exciting month because so many of my friends are welcoming brand new babies into the world in the next couple weeks. It makes me super happy because I know exactly how longed for, prayed over, and loved these little ones are.

They are proof that God still works miracles and I've needed that reminder lately.

It is some kind of paradox that I can still be sad about infertility and not having a baby of my own, but at the same time, also be truly, whole-heartedly happy for my friends. Though I'm admittedly way happier for the ones who overcame infertility to get here than for the ones who "weren't trying and just got a surprise". But I'm happy for them all :) 

I think I'm almost to that place of acceptance, you know in the Kubler-Ross mumbo jumbo model. That is the technical term for it, no? Not that I don't fluctuate daily between denial, bargaining and what not!
But at this point it's easier to take a step back and let go of the sadness so I can share in others' joy.

Somehow my perspective changed.

Changed from "Why isn't it ever me?"

to "Your will be done."

It's been a gradual change, and really more of a struggle. I still can't understand why we have such great obstacles in our lives, but I'm learning to lean into Christ when it all gets to be too much.

His will, not mine.

I always dreaded April when it comes to infertility because April means the year is one third over. That means no baby this {calendar} year. For me it means I will definitely be in my 30's when we finally have a family. That used to really upset me. And 30 isn't even old, but in the world of baby-making it's when your biological clock kicks into overtime.

When I was young and stupid I thought I would be done having babies by the time I was 30.

Now I would be elated and consider myself beyond blessed to even have a baby at all,

yet alone in my 30's.

There's that change in perspective again.

In summation:

April is now a happy month.

30 is the new 10.

If it is God's will for me to have a baby it will happen.

Maybe it will even be one of those "surprise" ones. Here's hoping! 

Just as long as I don't set any new records in the oldest lady to have a baby category

I think I'll be alright.



 Disgusting or Determined?

Funny how your perspective changes.  But I'm still going with disgusting on this one.





bump #47: choosing joy

This verse is written on the chalkboard on my wall, in my agenda in my purse, on my calendar on my fridge, and imprinted on my heart.

I see it everywhere, but it's not sinking in.

I originally titled this bump "finding joy" like it is something lost you have to seek out.
But I know joy is not something you find like keys in a couch cushion or a penny on the ground,

joy is a choice.

Life is made up of a gazillion choices and you ultimately decide how you want to be and who you want to be. We are not destined to be Debbie Downers.

This season has been a tough one. I know you can relate. Beyond infertility, as all-encompassing it's toxicity is, everyday life is ridden with challenges of its own. Everyone is weighed down with burdens. The thing is, I have let those burdens rob me of the joy that the Lord has given all of us.

Instead of choosing joy, I have chosen pain, anger, sadness, and more anti-joyful things.

It takes almost no effort to harbor resentment and be impatient. It takes a lot of effort to look beyond the hurt and reclaim the joy.

I want to be joyful, really I do. But sometimes it's easier to be numb, to not feel. My logic is that if you don't allow yourself to feel the joy, you don't have to suffer through the pain. As if there is some middle road of indifference.

But joy is not a pendulum. It is a constant.
We can experience joy even in the midst of our pain.
I am still learning what that looks like.

I am praying that God will meet you right where you are and provide for your every need as He fills your heart with joy.



And now for some smiles...

An amazon review I read for "fertili-tea"

which I did not end up buying, though it sounds pretty effective :)

bump #43: what if

Usually I try to ignore the what if questions, to bury them deep, deep down. But today I want to know...

There are a few obvious answers... we would have babies, more money in our bank account, and a blissful unawareness of just how much it hurts to want something so bad that you can't have. Golly gee that sounds nice.

But in this new year even if it marks our 3rd year of trying to no avail, I want to look at this struggle differently. I want to see it how God sees it, as a growing experience that will ultimately bring us closer to Him.

So I ask the all too familiar question again, what if we never struggled with infertility?

Would our faith be as strong? 
Would we understand what it means to fully trust God the way that we have had to?

There is something incredibly humbling about leaning into God when this life gets to be too much. It is times like these when He is all we can rely on. I wish it was more of a natural reaction for me to trust Him.  Baby steps... oh the irony!

Would I have ever come to know and love, commiserate and celebrate with my fellow bump-seeking blogger buddies?  You, my sweet little handful of readers, always there to build me up when I'm falling down, have become some of my dearest friends. I cannot express in words how much God has used you in this crippling season of my life. Thank you so much for walking this path alongside me.

I am turning 29 tomorrow and am not exactly where I thought I would be. Pretty sure I say that every birthday :) But I know God has a plan and this struggle is somehow part of His larger plan for our lives. So even though it feels like I'm getting old and falling apart, I know God sees this life differently and I want to see it His way.

"So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever."

2 Corinthians 4:16 {message}



bump #42: the numbers meant nothing

Ok. Here we are again at the end of another failed iui cycle. Ugh. This is all too familiar.

Failed.
Again.

Even though all the numbers looked good.  Failed.

Even though there were 5 healthy follicles. Failed.

Even though we stayed mostly hopeful and positive through this whole ordeal.

Failed.

There are still a lot of questions that remain unanswered.

Why?  Why?  Why?

But there is also this perplexing sense of peace.

When we first stepped foot in the fertility center a lifetime ago in March we didn't know what to expect. {Sidenote: there should be a book entitled "What to expect when you're not expecting" or "Expect the Worst" if you want to skip ahead to the sequel} But we had a number in our heads of how many procedures we were willing to try and how much money we were willing to spend. At this point we tried it all and spent it all which definitely makes us a little uneasy and hesitant to move forward with more extensive treatments {so we aren't going to for a while.}  But even now, broke and empty, there is a sense of peace in knowing that we at least did the best we could with what we have, and no matter what, God is faithful.

I could be pregnant right now and God would be faithful.

I am not pregnant right now and God is still faithful.

We failed.  Still He is faithful.

There is a beautiful song called "I know He knows" by Stefanie Kelly that I first heard years ago at a Hume Lake women's retreat with my mom. I listen to it the most during the really trying times like everyday when I question why God doesn't just use his miracle powers for good and bless us with a baby already.

Why God, why?

I don't know why, but I know He knows.

And that is good enough.

And even when it isn't, when my heart wanders and questions Him,

still He is faithful.

bump #28: however He chooses

In my last post {you know the one where I was high on latex paint} I mentioned something about God leading us to our family "however He chooses to do so." Emphasis on He chooses, not we choose.  This is something that has been on my heart the last few months after one of my best friends, upon discovering our issues with infertility, asked how we felt about adoption, surrogacy, or IVF.  And my obnoxious response was equal parts selfish and ignorant when I replied "none of those are our first choice."  Ha! Can we have a moment of silence for the "no duh" moment I created just then. My best friend (who Lord knows is a true friend, because she still speaks to me after such a brainless response!) offered the most encouraging words of wisdom and spot on advice that can only come from a woman after God's own heart, who has experienced first hand what it feels like to be in this place where you so desperately want a family of your own, but you just can't see how it is going to come about. In her case, it was through the beautiful act of adoption.

I am admittedly no expert on any of these subjects (adoption, IVF, surrogacy, etc.) and, until recently, honestly never considered them as options for us. Please, please don't misinterpret me or the place in my heart where these thoughts are coming from. For 28 years I had my head up my bum never truly understood the way that infertility robs you of peace, joy, and freedom in what should be the happiest, most fulfilling time in your life. It leaves you stressed, bummed, and forced to make tough decisions you may or may not be prepared to make. I recklessly assumed that I would pull out my calendar, pick a nice due date month, quit taking birth control, and get bumped up just as conveniently as I wanted to. I know how ridiculous that sounds now, but for some people it really is that easy. Well it seems like it anyway.

But for the rest of us who don't live in fertile fantasy land, there are some challenging questions you have to be prepared to answer. Some difficult scenarios you have to be aware of.

What if the oh-so-desired pregnancy just is not going to happen naturally?

What if it takes years and years of fertility treatments and procedures before you get pregnant?

What if even after said medical intervention there is no family in sight?

What then?

You entertain other options or you give up, of course all the while praying that God would lead you to make the best choice. And there is no one-size-fits-all here, everyone's decision is different and that is ok. We have not decided what happens next, but today, right now, these are a few of our options and how we feel about them. (I know there are a lot more options than these, but they were the three that my friend mentioned, and the same three that our doctor brought up at our first appointment when he said "you will have the family you always wanted, it just might happen differently than you imagined.")

I am going to start with adoption because, of the three, I am the most familiar with it. We are all adopted into God's family and adoption is very clearly at the core of our Father's heart. That is how I first learned about adoption... in Sunday School. I always thought of adoption as something God calls people to do. The Bible says to care for the widows and orphans, and adoption is one beautiful way to do that.  5 of my cousins are adopted, 3 close friends are in the middle of an international adoption, and 2 of my best friends have adopted children. Praise God that if/when we adopt there is such a loving and supportive group of friends and family surrounding and encouraging us through their own example. I also chose to share my thoughts on adoption first because the choice to adopt is very common, and not exclusively for infertile myrtles such as myself. I actually find it interesting that not all of these children were adopted because of an inability to conceive a child naturally. Some people simply have a strong desire in their heart to adopt, regardless of whether or not they have genetic offspring. It is not their back-up choice if getting pregnant isn't in the cards, it is their first choice for starting or completing their family.

So where does that leave me? 
Curled up in the corner feeling like a complete dum dum for saying "it is not my first choice."

In a moment of complete honesty I am going to tell you why I said that.

Because adoption scares me.

Let me rephrase that, I am scared of what happens when an adoption falls through.
(the birth-mom changes her mind and decides to keep the child or place them in another family or any other combination of heart-breaking events.) I realize how uninformed that sounds as the sole basis for not adopting right now, but half of the adoption stories I know end in that way. God always, always turns it around for good, for His glory and I have an unspeakable amount of admiration and respect for all of the families I know that have been through this. {tears just thinking about it} Adoption is not for the weak-hearted and in this present moment, I feel weak and weary-hearted.  My heart is still healing from learning that I might never be able to be pregnant, to feel a baby kick in my belly, to know the all consuming pain of childbirth {ok, so I would gladly take a free pass on that one!} I don't feel like I am at that place where I can devote my whole heart to the adoption process.

Am I happy with myself or with that answer? No.
I wish that I could embrace adoption with arms wide open, without hesitation or fear that it won't work out. But I'm not at that place yet.

Another reason for the reluctance is that it would be years before we could financially afford to adopt. Grad school is a means to an end, but it seems like it will never end!
Money is not the only constraint, but presently, it is a big one.

So maybe we won't adopt now, but in a few years we may. I will never close that door.

Adoption is how God chose us to be part of his family. I love that!

We are open to adoption, and will continue prayerfully considering it.

And if adoption is His choice for us, I know that He will do a work in our hearts to prepare us for all that it entails and we will follow Him to our adopted family.

I am going to skirt around the surrogacy option because we would need win the lottery {a couple times!} before that could be a viable possibility :)  But in all seriousness, surrogacy is truly remarkable and a great option for some, especially my bff Giuliana Rancic, who welcomed a baby boy last week via gestational surrogate. Congrats girl!

Giuliana Rancic becomes a mom via a surrogate

Of the three options here, IVF is probably the most likely next step we would take if our current plan of trying naturally and/or re-trying IUI is not successful.  Unfortunately it is not covered by our insurance, so it is not really feasible right now.

All that to say I never thought we would find ourselves here, in this infertile land. But here we are and no matter what, God has put the overwhelming desire in our hearts to be parents, so he will fulfill that promise however he chooses.

bump #24: be still

Sorry for the hiatus! Let’s catch up, shall we?

I am still alive.
I am still not pregnant.

　

“Be still and know that I am God.”

　
Still doesn’t sound like a great place to be, it sounds counter-productive and lazy (spoken from a true obsessive-compulsive, multi-tasking busy-body). I don’t have the patience or desire to just chill and be still. And yet I hear God clearly telling me to be still right now.


The conversation goes something like this:

Me: God, what in the world is wrong with me? Why can’t I have a baby?
God: Be still and know that I am God
Me: Ok, but what about the six girls on my newsfeed that had perfect, precious babies last week? They are the same age I was when I started trying to get pregnant. What’s up with that?
God: Be still and know that I am God.
Me: Um yeah, you said that already. Duly noted.  Thinks ’yeah, I’ll have plenty of time to be still once I have a nice big baby bump and am restricted to bed rest.’ 
God: {face palm} - at least that’s what I imagine his response to be :)

　
The conversation doesn’t always end there, but His response is always the same. It’s kind of infuriating. Until I realize that He keeps telling me the same thing not because he is a recorder on playback, but because I am simply not getting it. His words go right over my head (FYI: I am 4’11” so most things do go right over my head!) Perhaps He is a little infuriated with my response as well. Ugh. I keep missing the point. Can anyone relate? I so want to please my heavenly Father and live a life that reflects his truth, but my tiny brain just can’t fathom how He loves me so much when I miss the mark so bad.

I’ve tried to be still. I even tried yoga once. It was a disaster of epic proportions. My downward dog looked like disco duck. Don’t ask! I don’t think He understands just how hard it is for me to be still. There are way too many things for me to be busy worrying about. I guess that’s why he doesn’t stop there. He goes on to say AND know that I am God. Apparently these concepts go hand in hand. It has always been easier for me to know that He is God. Of course I don’t acknowledge it when I act like I am, but deep down I know. He is good at reminding me.

Here is an example:

I am terrified of the ocean. (Luckily cruise ships combat that fear!)
It all started when I was 4 years old and walking at Shell Beach collecting shells. Imagine that! (I feel it important to say that this was the only time I ever went to the beach without my mom, and of course, the only time I almost drowned.) I ventured out into the water and it was only up to my knees so I took a couple more steps. Unbeknownst to me, the sandbar I was walking on dropped off suddenly and the water was immediately over my head. I panicked. I had taken swimming lessons, but the elementary backstroke of “monkey, airplane, soldier” wasn’t going to save me from that current. I dropped my handful of seashells and my arms were flailing, I was not a svelte tot and was sinking fast. I reached up as high as I could and still was underwater. My eyes stung from the saltwater so I closed them tightly and just as I did, I felt something hit my feet. It was flat and soft and it lifted me back to where I could stand. It could have been an angel or a stingray or a wad of seaweed, but whatever it was, God used it to rescue me. When my arms were flailing and I was sinking down, down, down, he was already there to pull me out.


God wants to rescue us.

All he asks is that we be still so that He can. 

Bottom line: We cannot rescue ourselves. We need to get out of our own way so that He can.

Right now I am drowning in a sea of infertility.

It sucks.

He knows. He is already here to pull me out.

But sometimes I am not still; sometimes I worry that He has let go of me for a minute, you know to see if I can swim. 

I can't.
So I panic.   

And then I turn on the radio and this is what I hear:

Oh no, you never let go
Through the calm and through the storm.
Oh no, you never let go
Every high and every low.
Oh no, you never let go
Lord, you never let go of me…

I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on.
There will be an end to these troubles, but until that day comes,
Still I will praise you
Still I will praise you.

image via

　

bump #17: trust

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, In ALL your ways, acknowledge HIM and He shall direct your paths."  Proverbs 3:5&6

This is my favorite scripture. It was my senior quote. It is my "go to verse" when life doesn't make sense {all the time!}. These words are easy to remember and recite. They are reassuring.

Trusting God with my whole heart should be easy. Especially when it is juxtaposed with trying to figure everything out on my own. It's not rocket science: trust God and be at peace, or stress myself out to no end trying to make sense of everything.  I know His yoke is easy and his burden is light. But still I choose my difficult yoke and heavy burden everytime. It is familiar to me. I don't quite know how to let it go. I don't know if I really want to let go.

Plus, I think I can handle it on my own. I trust that God is good, that He loves me, and He is taking care of everything. But that's not enough for me. If I want something done right, I have to do it myself. It is as if trusting God means admitting defeat.

Pride rears its ugly head :(

I know that I need God; that ultimately nothing good can happen apart from Him. I also know that trusting Him does not equal giving up or quitting.

But trusting Him completely with this fertility fiasco seems impossible right now.

It was easy to trust when things were going according to my plan, but lately my plan has been hijacked!  I'm struggling to find the balance between trusting Him during this season of confusion and doing everything I can to get on the right path ~ the pregnancy path :)

I know this is a test that will ultimately strengthen my trust in God. I'm just not the best test taker!

bump #7: the merry-go-round

Every May my mom helps host a lovely conference for ladies on the central coast called All My Sisters and Me. Up until I moved to Texas, I had gone every year. The conference in always Mother's Day weekend and consists of a yummy lunch, fun time of worship, and thoughtful guest speaker. The most memorable year for me was in 2004, when Sue Haddick was speaking and prophecied over me.

I have to preface this by saying that I don't really understand the gift of prophecy and definitely do not have it myself. In fact, until that Saturday 8 years ago, prophecy kind of gave me the heebie jeebies. I tend to approach a lot of what I don't understand with a great deal of skepticism. I feel the same way about physics. Heebie. Jeebies. :) It's just that I feel like prophecy is one of those things the Bible is referring to when it says "test the spirits..." That being said, when Mrs. Haddick started speaking/praying over me, I knew immediately that her words were directly from the Lord because they pierced my heart and opened my eyes like never before. It was exactly what I needed to hear at exactly the right time. Only God does that.

May 2004 was a turning point. Not just because of that day, but because I had to make some really big decisions that would shape my future. I was 20 years old. I had never lived away from home. I was struggling with school (Advanced Placement also stands for Academic Probation) had been kicked out of Cal Poly after only one year (Apparently organic chemistry and advanced calculus give me the heebie jeebies too.) I was finishing up classes at Cuesta and had applied to transfer to Point Loma in San Diego. The problem was, I had applied in January and it was May. I still hadn't heard back. {It turns out they hadn't reviewed my application because they never received my medical information. Funny how the tiniest things can be such a hold up. Now it's the rubella shot holding things up. Sheesh!}

All this to say there are many parallels from life in May 2004 to life in May 2012. I have some really big decisions to make. I don't know what happens next. But I'm not 20 anymore, actually closer to 30 (eek.) And instead of wondering if I'm going to get into college, I'm wondering if I'm going to get into maternity pants.

Anyway, if you know anything about my personality, I struggle with patience. In fact, my earliest childhood memory is my precious grama charlene singing "have patience, have patience, don't be in such a hurry. when you get impatient, you only start to worry..." Y'all know the tune!

My patience had run out. It seemed like nothing was working out right and I wasn't quite sure what to make of it. 

This is an all-too familiar feeling recently.


So I closed my eyes and listened to these (sweet southern) words spoken over me and sobbed.


"It's been a fun place in your life where you've gone up and down. Sometimes in places of almost getting there and not quite. The path has been very funny. You could almost say 'that's ridiculous, that's crazy, how did that happen? that's ridiculous.' It's almost like you're so used to things being goofy now, it's just like 'oh brother' You're able to kind of brush it off. But the Lord wants to change that, the Lord wants to turn that thing around. He's saying 'enough already. enough'

He says 'I'm taking you off the merry-go-round and placing you on the path that's straight.

I'm pushing you forward to the path of peace. Where joy has been stolen, I say you get it back.' For the Lord says, 'where those places of equilibrium and stability have been stolen from you, that's not right and I'm coming in and I'm gonna make it right' And where the enemy has said that you've make a lot of mistakes, He says 'not the way I see it. You've made a lot of right choices. I'm going to prove it to you so that you will see what I see and get my perspective on it.' You've been clouded from that and haven't been able to see it like he's seen it. You're going to be in a place to right the wrong, there's some situations where you need to make some stands. You have the strength for it. You think yourself weak, He thinks you're strong. 

I keep hearing "make things right" and the word writing keeps coming to me. With your humor, your gentle, loving humor. And the way you see things with a little twist, almost like "oh, that's funny!" He wants you to write these things down for other people to read and how you see him working in other people's lives. But from the way that lets you see it, from a humorous way."

Sue spoke about several other specific things that came to fruition and I will always be grateful for the encouragement and truth she spoke into my life.

I got my acceptance letter to Point Loma on my way home that very afternoon.

My life changed forever.

In May 2004 these words were about taking the next step, following after Christ as he led me to PLNU.

In May 2012 these words are about finding strength to get through the ups and downs of infertility.  


Funny that she ended talking about writing... it only took me 8 years to start this silly blog :)

In many ways it feels like I'm still in that place of almost getting there and not quite.

Like I don't know where to go from here.

 I'm still on this crazy merry go round.

And yet, God's promises are still true.

Isaiah 40 brings comfort:

"The crooked places shall be made straight and the rough places smooth;

The glory of the Lord shall be revealed."