bump #42: the numbers meant nothing

Ok. Here we are again at the end of another failed iui cycle. Ugh. This is all too familiar.

Failed.
Again.

Even though all the numbers looked good.  Failed.

Even though there were 5 healthy follicles. Failed.

Even though we stayed mostly hopeful and positive through this whole ordeal.

Failed.

There are still a lot of questions that remain unanswered.

Why?  Why?  Why?

But there is also this perplexing sense of peace.

When we first stepped foot in the fertility center a lifetime ago in March we didn't know what to expect. {Sidenote: there should be a book entitled "What to expect when you're not expecting" or "Expect the Worst" if you want to skip ahead to the sequel} But we had a number in our heads of how many procedures we were willing to try and how much money we were willing to spend. At this point we tried it all and spent it all which definitely makes us a little uneasy and hesitant to move forward with more extensive treatments {so we aren't going to for a while.}  But even now, broke and empty, there is a sense of peace in knowing that we at least did the best we could with what we have, and no matter what, God is faithful.

I could be pregnant right now and God would be faithful.

I am not pregnant right now and God is still faithful.

We failed.  Still He is faithful.

There is a beautiful song called "I know He knows" by Stefanie Kelly that I first heard years ago at a Hume Lake women's retreat with my mom. I listen to it the most during the really trying times like everyday when I question why God doesn't just use his miracle powers for good and bless us with a baby already.

Why God, why?

I don't know why, but I know He knows.

And that is good enough.

And even when it isn't, when my heart wanders and questions Him,

still He is faithful.

bump #41: what do all these numbers mean?

Monday I had bloodwork done and here are the results:

Progesterone:  Ideally should be >20, last month was 25, this month is 56. {I'm thinking the progesterone supplements are working}

Estrogen: Ideally should be >200, last month was only 134, this month is 898 {yes, you read that right. almost 900. Good news: no more estrogen patches!}

I asked what these higher numbers mean and the nurse told me that I definitely ovulated (I would hope so, I took the ovidrel shot to be sure!) and that I possibly ovulated more than one egg (duh, there were like 5 of them, remember?!) and lastly, that my uterine lining is looking good for implantation.

Sounds like all good news, but we won't really know how good until our pregnancy test on Monday. Which is like 5,345,897 days away. Until then, I will continue eating for 6, as per Erika's suggestion :) and hope that there's at least one little munchkin in there. Or a big, fat turkey as the case may be.

And once again, my mom has left me in stitches with her email response to all of this:

"Yayyyy on the high numbers! OctoMom has got NOTHING on You!

Hehe, I am really excited and hopeful. The good news is we will know in a week.

I know every day seems like a year, but it will be here before you know it!

 Ooohhh, I wonder if the high estrogen numbers mean four little ones!? ...Like 200
points each. Maybe we will get four and a tea cup! *

 Just kidding, I can't help but be excited!"

*Sidenote: tiny dogs, like less than 2 lbs, are called "tea cup" size. And if this whole infertility thing keeps causing me grief I just might start collecting little tea cup doggies until I feel better.

Here's Maddie when she was 4 weeks old and could fit inside a tea cup...

bump #40: let's get this turkey basted!

Monday was IUI #3 and we had our highest numbers yet...

Here's hoping that this turkey is properly basted! 

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!

bump #39: 5 follicles

Today's ultrasound {day 11, so still kind of early} revealed two 16 mm follicles and three 15 mm follicles almost ripe and ready for ovulation. Tomorrow I do the ovidrel shot and Monday morning is the iui.  To put it in perspective, the last two iui's I only had one mature follicle, and they say you only need one. But I'm inclined to disagree. So five sounds fabulous to us! Unfortunately it doesn't sound fabulous to the doctor who kept asking me "how tall are you?" and other concerned questions about the logistics of my five foot (on a good day, after stretching) frame carrying two or more babies. He mentioned something about selective reduction (which we're not really into), but when he said that there is a possibility of triplets my eyes got really big and I exclaimed, "THREE BABIES?! Perfect, then Andrew can get snipped and we're done!"  I was mostly joking because I recognize that the likelihood of this working at all, let alone producing more than one, is still minimal. Five potential follicles does not mean that five will release or get fertilized or become a baby. But five is better than one and for a second it was fun to think about.

So after the appointment, I did what I always do; I called my mom and asked what she thought about everything. She was almost as excited even more excited than us. She heard "five follicles" and immediately screams "FIVE BABIES! We need to have a fundraiser! And a diaper drive! Ooh, this is so exciting! You're going to be on the news!" I think it's safe to say someone got her hopes up :)  We know infertility is dismal and our chances are not great, even this cycle, but it's fun to be a little bit silly about it and find something to giggle at. My mom is good at lightening the mood.

bump #38: needles

So part of the protocol for this month's iui is injectables (75 units of follistim per shot) for 3 days. Today was day 2 and the shots haven't been too bad {a little worse than the ovidrel shot, but still not too painful}.   I finished 5 days of clomid and had no side effects, which worries me because that makes me think it's not working. The only thing I've noticed with the follistim is that it makes me sleepy, but I do the shot at night so it could just be correlation not causation. Yawn. 

I have an ultrasound on Friday morning to check on the size of the follicles so until then, who knows if any of this is working?!

In other news, my mom is coming to visit this weekend! {So Super Excited!!!} We will have to do our insemination while she's here, which is totally fine, but perhaps a little awkward for her.

Ok, so when I told her about it, her response was "I am so sorry, I am coming at the worst possible time... you need your "quality time", don't worry though, I'll just turn the tv up really loud."

So funny!

Hopefully I reassured her that she doesn't have to worry about interrupting anything. We're doing iui because "quality time" {normal baby making way} doesn't work for us. But I thought what she said was hilarious, so I had to share it :)

bump #37: stepping up our game

On Friday we met with our RE (reproductive endocrinologist) and OBGYN to conduct an ultrasound, collect bloodwork, and ask a lot of questions about what our next steps should be after 2 failed iui's. The doctors were super helpful and informative, but I learned that in dealing with infertility issues you really have to be your own advocate and do a lot of research on your own. So I did. You would have been so proud of me using big grown up words like luteal phase, uterine lining, and laparoscopy (except I kept saying it like lap-row-scopey and it's lap-uh-ross-cuppy). Ugh. I guess that's the difference between me and med school. The only difference I'm sure.



I will NEVER get used to "scooching" down on that stupid table!
Shouldn't they buy me a steak dinner first? Come on guys, I have standards!

The plan was always to do 3 iui's before moving on to more effective (read: expensive and invasive) procedures. I just didn't anticipate even needing 3 iui's because, duh, the first or second one will totally work. Right. So here we are again.

IUI #3: clomid and injectables

Is it just me or does that sound like the title of a horror flick?

In the past I've only taken a low dose of femara to boost my follicles and an ovidrel shot to induce ovulation with insemination on cycle day 14.  Easy peasy. As far as I know the medications did what they were supposed to, and increased our likelihood of conception, but not enough to make a difference. So for this third and {probably} final iui, we are stepping up our game and I am taking 100 mg of clomid everyday for 5 days and then 3 days of follistim (follicle stimulating hormone) injections. Initially we chose femara over clomid because clomid has a greater risk of multiples which could be complicating for my midget frame. But to that extra chance of twinsies, we say BRING IT ON! We decided to add injectables along with the clomid because they dramatically icrease the chances of success. There was also a voucher reducing their cost, and I'm a stickler for a bargain.  Even with that voucher the cost of this iui is significantly more {like $700 more} than our other iui's, which is why we will probably only do this once and then start selling our vital organs on the black market work on saving funds for ivf in the next couple years. 

There was talk of in vitro, or the "ferrari of fertility treatments" as Dr. Martin referred to it. Which leads me to believe that our past iui's would fall into the not-so-fancy el camino category.

Hopefully this new iui is closer to the luxury category like a Lexus or something.

But an SUV one just in case the clomid works overtime :)

bump #36: another negative

IUI #2 did not work.

Against my better judgement {the last string of sanity that says I sound like an emotional train-wreck and should have grabbed the bowl of Halloween candy instead of the laptop to cope with the devastation} I am publishing this post that is raw and ugly and as negative as every single pregnancy test I have ever taken. Count your fingers and toes and then double it. That's the amount of negativity I'm talking about.  Oh the joys of infertility math!

Suffice it to say that this cycle, this second failed cycle, sent me into a funk that I'm still trying to get out of.

I took all the medicines, went to all the appointments, prayed everyday for a miracle, paid everday for a miracle, and it was all for nothing.

I'm left with nothing.

Well, not nothing... the estrogen patch left a rash on my stomach and turned me into a weepy mess for a solid 2 days. Count your blessings?

I got my hopes up.

I hate fertility treatments because for a split second it seems like the problem is under control, like it's not a losing battle anymore. But it is.

I'm losing it.

Last night in the fifteen minutes I was at Target to pick out my consolation candy bags I passed by 8 pregnant women. The reasonable part of my brain that should have remembered 1 in 8 women experiences some form of infertility and considered that one of them might have had to go through what I'm going through wasn't working. So 8 times I had to fight back tears, take a deep breath, and move on.

I've had to fight back tears, take many deep breaths, and try to move on for a while now.

It's wearing me down.

I usually can see the humor in things, even tougher things, but the only thing remotely humorous about this journey so far is that:
I have pregnacy brain, but without the pregnancy part, meaning I am in a fog most of the time and can't think clearly.
I have gained 12 pounds a lot of weight since beiginning fertility treatments and am still infertile, but am carrying around the extra weight of a hefty baby as a constant reminder of what should be there but isn't.
I experience habitual headaches due to stress about what all these "shot in the dark" treatments and hormones are doing to my body in the long run and, at the same time,
I feel nauseous when trying to calculate how many years it would take to pay off the extensive treatments that are still ahead of me. That nausea, which I can only imagine to be similar to morning sickness, is as close as I am ever going to get to feeling pregnant.

Some consolation prize: If you can't get pregnant, you might as well get crazy, fat, and uncomfortable like a pregnant person. Oh and my moodswings have got to be at least on par with the pregos.
So there's that.

And there's a plan. I know God has a plan for our lives and for some reason it includes all these bumps in this baby-making battle. (Wow, this is bump 36 and not one of those bumps has been a baby. Ouch.) I didn't plan for that.

So what do we do now?

We pray.

We pray that the desires of our hearts would line up with God's will for our lives. I've been praying that same prayer my whole life, and everything always worked out. I mean I always got what I wanted... eventually. But now that simple prayer has taken on a whole new meaning. I might not get what I want, what my heart desires. And I wonder if I ever really meant those words all along. Did I know what I was saying? Can I change my mind and take it back?

No. And if I really thought about it, I wouldn't want to take it back. His plan is greater.

But it still hurts.

Maybe I didn't know that as I prayed that prayer I was actually saying that it's ok with me if God's will is not for me to get pregnant or even to have a baby at all. Maybe instead I was being manipulative and thought that if I just reminded God, ever so lovingly, that I really want to be a mommy more than anything else in the world, that he would alter his will for my life to include that desire.  Maybe this onslaught of negativity on my part is the beginning of me processing that I can't alter his will at all. God is unchanging. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. I praise Him for that. That yesterday, when I was still hopeful and in a way better mood, He loved me the same as He does today when I'm down in the dumps and the worst possible version of myself.  I'm so thankful that His love is the same always.

And today, though incredibly disappointed by our present circumstances, I am still grateful for His gentle reminder that no matter what battles we are facing, the real battle is already won.

bump #35: the balancing act

As fun as walking a tightrope sounds (that actually does sound fun to me) that is not the kind of balance I'm talking about. Today I got to learn about hormonal imbalance. And it's about as thrilling as sitting in an hour of traffic. Which I also got to learn about today. Twice.

This morning I had blood drawn to check on my estrogen and progesterone levels to ensure that I did in fact ovulate and to get an early indicator about any possible implantation. I skipped this test for our first IUI in May mostly because I knew the IUI didn't work (hello polyp) but also because I was vacationing in Mexico. I like that reason more.  Having never done this test before I'm still not sure what my normal levels are but I did some research on the trusty (?) interwebs and found that post ovulation progesterone levels should be above 15 nanograms per milileter and post implantation levels should be above 20. Good news: Mine was 25 :) 
Estrogen levels should be above 200 picagrams per milileter. Bad news: Mine was 134 :( 

Those amounts are not balanced. We've got to up the estrogen.

I never thought my problem would be low estrogen! My husband is nodding in agreement. 

Here's a pic of my lab results

(sorry it's hard to read, don't worry I already gave you the important numbers.)

 The solution to low estrogen levels: an estrogen patch. Off to Costco to fill a prescription.

So now I am sporting a big 'ol band-aid patch on my lower tummy helping level out the estrogen/progesterone ratio and reading about possible side effects of said patch, which is never a good idea. But with the theme being balance, to counteract that bad idea I came up with a brilliant idea. Here goes...

I'm not even 5 feet tall (womp womp) which has it's obvious disadvantages. But one very distinct advantage: When it's dark out, like say Halloween night, and all the neighborhood kids are out trick-or-treating, I can pretty much join in their group and blend right in, capitalizing on my handicap.

There's estrogen in chocolate, right?

I'll be over 200 pokemons in no time! 

{ok so it's picagrams, but I've NEVER heard of that unit of measurement in my life!}

 If you really want to know why I was running around town in a costume today, hop over here!

bump #34: 2 week wait

I read somewhere that we spend almost half our life waiting.  Right now we're waiting half of this month to see if our iui was successful.

Tick tock tick tock. 

Some waiting I am ok with: like waiting in line (even on black Friday) if my shopping cart is full of goodies, or waiting more than 6 months between visits at the dentist, or waiting to eat dessert until after dinner. That last one was a lie. So maybe those aren't great examples but you get the idea.
I pretty much hate waiting.  I may or may not have already pulled out my Christmas decorations and it isn't even November yet but I just can't wait for the next holiday... or the next, next holiday as the case may be.

I am terrible at waiting.

So to help pass the time I have:

- Rearranged the furniture {I usually end up moving it back the way it was before because I am actually not a fan of change, but it's fun to mix things up for a day or two.}

- Shopped online {I don't know how I ever survived before amazon.com.}

- Downloaded books on my kindle {haven't read any yet, but they're there}

- Put up some Thanksgiving and Christmas decor {go ahead and judge me, but we spend most of Decemeber in California with our families so if I want to enjoy spend a bunch of time setting them up only to take them all down a week later all the decorations, I have to start early.}

Just when I was running out of things to do (because cleaning the house never seems to be a priority) I noticed that I was nominated by the lovely Amanda at Genuine Greavu for a Liebster Blog Award.

 It's a little bit like a chain letter, but it definitely fits the "make-time-go-by-faster" criteria, so here it goes!

1.  Why did you start blogging?

I started blogging here about the bumps on the road to TTC because I needed a more productive outlet to work out my thoughts and emotions about infertility. Basically the mall closes at 9 so my "shop your feelings away strategy" was only good for a few hours a day :)  I also love the blogging community and the encouragement I receive from fellow TTC-ers. Blogging is the best therapy. Bonus: it's cheap!

2. What's your biggest pet peeve?

People who double-dip. Germs freak me out!

3. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?

Pink. Was there ever any question? It's my favorite!

4. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?

Paris. Then London, then Spain. And with a Mediterranean cruise at the end with stops in Italy and Greece. So I guess I would go to Europe :)

5. What's your favorite book?

To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee  
I only read it once as a freshman in Highschool, but it had a lasting impression.  I also like the name Harper for a girl because it almost sounds alright with our last name (Hoag) I grew up as Brenda Bing and love alliteration (obviously "brensbabybump"), so Harper Hoag fits the bill.

6. What is the quirkiest thing about you?
When it's way past my bedtime and I'm half asleep but semi-coherent I sometimes speak in a non-sensical, broken spanish saying things like "My cabeza is heavy como el sol." Or "Mis pantalones son too tight. Me gusta spandex." Definitely have to work on my spanish before that mediterranean cruise!

7.  If dreams always came true, how many kids would you want?
Four. If my husband's dreams came true it would be two. We'll have four kids :)
Unless labor really is as awful as everyone says it is. Then we'll compromise with one!

8. What is your greatest vice?
Buying clothes for my dog. Have you seen them? Some of the outfits are really cute!

9.  What is your favorite thing about your husband?
The beef stew he made for dinner tonight is in the running. The boy can cook! 
My real favorite thing about him is how supportive and encouraging he has been as we've worked through infertility issues the last couple years. Neither of us saw this coming and there are days when I am just so completely over it and super negative, but he is always there to listen to and comfort me. We are a really good team and it's because of him, not me!

10. What is your happiest childhood memory?
My happiest childhood memory is more a string of memories. For many years, I would spend every weekend at my grandparents' house where my Grandma taught me to bake, read the Bible with me, played my favorite game of Scrabble with me, and told me all the best family stories. They had 10 kids and lived all over the country, so there are a lot of good stories. Grandma should start a blog! Hearing all those stories is my happiest childhood memory. 

11. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you be?

San Luis Obispo, California where I grew up and where all my family lives. It's also the happiest city in the United States (according to Oprah anyway, and we all know she's the most credible source there is). It's also the second happiest city in the world. Look out, Copenhagen, we're coming for ya!


Thanks Amanda for including me in this Liebster fun! And my apologies to all of my reader(s) for another long post. Hopefully the next one will be short and sweet like "positive!!!" or "Pregnant!!!" Back to waiting... and stew. Yum.

Words of wisdom for today: Eating makes the time go by faster. I keep telling myself that anyway!

bump #33: iui #2

This post might fall under the category of TMI. Or it might be just plain boring.

You have been forewarned :)

With that said, however this whole procedure ends up working out {we won't know for a couple weeks} I want to remember what went well and what didn't for future reference. And if you happen to find yourself considering the intrauterine insemination (IUI) route to pregnancy, perhaps there will be a few helpful pointers.

Here are the logistics, the medications, the costs, and the schedule that we followed:

*All of our procedures were performed at the Fertility Center of San Antonio*

At this point, IUI seems like the best option for us.

I have a fairly predictable 28 day monthly cycle with ovulation usually falling on day 14.

 Andrew has low semen volume (0.6 ml where 1 ml is the beginning of the normal range)

But his sperm count (32 million per milliliter) and motility (80%) are healthy.

The logistics

Everything with fertility treatments is directly related to what cycle day you are on with cycle day 1 being the first day of your period. {Mine was 10.11.12}

Cycle day 5:

Baseline ultrasound revealing a 13 mm follicle on my right ovary

and a 10 mm + two 9 mm follicles on the left ovary

{the follicle holds the egg and at least one of those follicles will grow to be big enough to release their egg for fertilization - this may be general knowledge, but I didn't know anything about follicles until this crash course with infertility. I guess I missed that day in sex-ed!}

Cycle Days 5-9:

Take 2 femara pills at the same time once a day (prescription filled at Costco for generic brand name Letrizole)  This medication helps the follicles mature and ensures that at least one egg will be released at ovulation.

Cycle Days 11-13:

Use ovulation predictors to make sure you don't ovulate early and are able to time the IUI accordingly. 

Cycle Day 12:

Follow up ultrasound revealing healthy uterine lining (not too thick or too thin) and a 26 mm as well as a 13 mm follicle on my right ovary and a 15 mm follicle on my left ovary. There were a few others that were smaller and inconsequential.  A good sized follicle for ovulation is anything above 18 mm so it looks like the right ovary is the winner this month with a fatty follicle.

Cycle Day 12:

After a successful ultrasound showing at least one mature follicle, inject ovidrel shot in stomach (to bring on ovulation in the next 24-48 hours) approximately 40 hours before scheduled IUI procedure. We did this at 6 pm for a 10 am IUI 2 days later.  After the ovidrel shot you no longer need to use ovulation predictors because they will be inaccurate.

Cycle Day 14:

Husband gets up bright and early to perform his "contribution cup" and drops it off immediately (like within 30 minutes) at the fertility center so that they can prepare for the insemination a couple hours later. 10 AM doctor explains that after the sperm-washing {this is another one of those things I was blissfully unaware of, but in my defense, I know they didn't cover this in sex-ed!} there are approximately 15 million healthy, fully motile, usable sperm ready to meet up with my egg. The range that they are looking for is at least 6-10 million, and we were hoping for around 20 million, but 15 million still sounds like a good shot, so we'll take it.

Then the IUI is performed {read about the whole procedure here}. It is really quick, like less than a minute, and then you get to lay down for 20 minutes or so to ensure the sperm stay where they need to be, and think about baby names and what you want to eat for lunch. Really you just want to think about anything other than the 15 million squirmy spermies running amuck in your biznazz!

And then take the rest of the day off to lounge on the couch and catch up on mindless television. If you play your cards right you just might get a foot massage and a fancy dinner out of it too ;)

This is where we're at today. Day 14, post IUI lounging.  But here is what's coming up in the next couple weeks...

Cycle Day 21:

One week post IUI go back to the fertility center for a progesterone/estradiol test. Depending on the results the doctor may prescribe progesterone supplements to help the uterus house the fertilized egg.

Cycle Day 28:

Blood test to {hopefully} confirm pregnancy.

The Costs

Unfortunately mostly not covered by insurance

Procedures

IUI Cycle $975

(including ultrasounds, sperm-washing, and insemination)

Progesterone/estradiol labwork $160

Pregnancy test $80

Medications

We did the lowest dose and least amount of medications involved with iui

femara (letrizole) 2.5 mg  10 pills {the only thing covered by insurance}  $5

Ovidrel shot  $95

So there you have it: the good, the bad, and the spermy of our 2nd IUI.

And now some pictures...

There is absolutely nothing fun or glamorous about fertility treatments,

but that didn't stop me from making it my goal to make un-fertility fun-fertility.

Here's the good luck fertility uniform I wore.

The only adage I could think of was "something old, something new" so I went with it.

And here's my "prizes."

Congratulations if you made it this far! You are my bff =)



bump #32: relaxing didn't work

No surprise there.

Turns out infertility thrives on inaction or "relaxing" so there will be NO MORE OF THAT!

For this next cycle, it's back to medical intervention.

 IUI #2 (intrauterine insemination)

or the turkey baster method. Thanksgiving is right around the corner, so it's fitting!

The good news is that we have done this before so we know what to expect.

The bad news is that we have done this before and it didn't work.

Hopefully the hysteroscopy in July removed that obstacle.



Our doctor recommended undergoing 3 IUI's before moving on to higher level infertility treatments. There is nothing magical about the number 3, he just said that usually if nothing has happened by that point, it is in our best interest to pursue a different course of action. Which could be another surgery: laparoscopy to diagnose/remove endometriosis or another hysteroscopy if more polyps are present. The earliest he has seen polyps return after being surgically removed is 10 months. But leave it to my state of the art uterus to set a new record on that... please do not accept that as a challenge, uterus.

Here's hoping that IUI #1 was first the worst and IUI #2 will be second, the best!

bump #31: when do you tell people

I'm still navigating this whole I want a baby NOW and it seems like it's going to happen NEVER thing. I would say "infertility" or "trying to conceive" but I'm sick of those terms. They're blah. And not nearly whiney enough to convey the aggravated tone in my voice.

So my question for today is this: when do you tell people that you are struggling with WaBnow? (wanting a baby now - I like how wabnow sounds as opposed to TTC. It'll catch on, give it time!)

I know the general protocol for announcing a pregnancy is to wait 12 weeks, or until most of the first trimester has passed. But just so you know, I am going to announce it here lickety split. Like still holding the positive pee pee stick in one hand and typing with the other!

So what is the protocol with telling people that you aren't able to get pregnant?
I know the obvious... not at a baby shower or a wedding or any other joyous occasion. But how long do you wait? We have been Wabnow for 2+ years. Do you think everybody already knows?

I'm still not ready to come out of my proverbial unpregnant closet!

So far we have been super private about it. It wasn't until a few months ago that I even shared it with my mom. Funny story: my parent's house is my permanent address since we're pretty mobile right now, and a lot of my mail gets delivered to them. So when a bill for $1200 for an IUI from the fertility center arrived in May my mom immediately called me and was all flipped out because obviously someone had stolen my credit card or something about identity theft. It was then that I knew I had to either get on board with the credit card theft theory or just come clean about the whole thing. I came clean. But fast forward to right now and only a couple of my closest friends are in the know. The support, love, and prayers from those friends has been amazing and I feel silly for not telling them sooner, but I also feel like it's nice to keep it on the down low because I don't want to talk about it all the time. I totally appreciate when my close friends ask how we're doing and check in on us, that's comforting. And I LOVE comments on the blog because that is the best reminder that we're not alone in this. The hesitance to go public with all of it really just stems from having to explain something that I don't understand.

I find it hard to believe that a polyp would be the only cause of our bumpless state, so what we are experiencing is still classified as "unexplained infertility." I can't explain it. It's out of my control. But keeping it contained, confined to this space, and to you, my confidantes, makes it feel a little more managable.

I suppose it's different for everybody, and you tell whoever you want to whenever you feel comfortable. I just feel like a bit of a fraud keeping something I want so badly hidden.  Afterall my entire existence is blasted all over facebook and I don't give that a second thought. Sharing our struggle with infertility just stresses me out. Oy. I don't know where all this anxiety is coming from, afterall I am still giving the old "relax" advice a try this month. Deep breaths.

bump #30: no news is good news

There is no new news to report here.
But I am inclined to disagree with the saying that "no news is good news."

Nope. That's just another moronic mantra that does not apply to infertility. Same as "a stitch in time saves nine" and "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush." Stitches suck and who wants a bird at all? I want a baby!

So, no news is not good news and it makes for a very boring bump on the {b}log.

But that's where we're at. This boring spot where TTC is a real nuisance and we're getting nowhere. But, regardless, I've been diligently tracking my temperature the last few weeks, tinkling on OPK's, (Pretty much everything short of the cervical mucus analysis because that just really freaks me out!), cutting out caffeine and my beloved pina coladas, replacing them with prenatal vitamins that make me gag and healthy smoothies. Blagh. And after all of that, I'm pretty sure I didn't even ovulate last month. So it was all for naught.

It's like my reproductive system is going on strike.
I guess I don't blame it.

And in the midst of all of this stress, everyone {ok just my mom really, oh and Frankie from Frankie Goes to Hollywood} keeps telling me to relax. And I'm sure there's some truth to that. Not like do yoga, breath deeply, meditate, and BAM! - Pregnant! But like quit hating on my uterus (that insists on housing polyps instead of persons) and stop dwelling on the worst case scenarios (like being forced to live on the street after fertility treatments bankrupt us.) Yes, that is in fact a dark place in my mind that pops up every once in a while and I have no comment as to whether or not I have been saving all my cardboard boxes for, you know, just in case!

Being told to relax isn't my favorite thing.
Relaxing feels impossible.

But what the heck, I'll go ahead and give it a try. A relaxed attitude is not a defeatist one. This is not me throwing in the towel. I suppose this is me "going to the beach and laying out on the towel." I choose to look at relaxing as regrouping, recharging, and really re-examining our route.

So September will be the month where I chillax a bit.

{Yeah, right!}

bump #29: remembering to have a sense of humor

My husband posted this on facebook and I actually found it to be quite hilarious given the books that I have on my bookshelf...

Without further adieu...

1. Before Your Pregnancy... with a chainsaw
2. Making Babies... with a chainsaw
3. A Few Good Eggs: 2 Chicks Dish on the Insanity of Infertility... with a chainsaw.
4. Pregnancy for Dummies... with a chainsaw

{Just to prove not EVERYTHING I read is about infertility and babies here's a few more}

5. The Fat Flush Plan... with a chainsaw
6. The Great Divorce... with a chainsaw
7. In the Dressing Room with Brenda... with a chainsaw
8. Training Your Dog... with a chainsaw

And this one for the win...

Taking Charge of Your Fertility with a chainsaw.

Epic.

Let it be known that infertility has robbed me of many things, but my sense of humor is firmly intact!

bump #28: however He chooses

In my last post {you know the one where I was high on latex paint} I mentioned something about God leading us to our family "however He chooses to do so." Emphasis on He chooses, not we choose.  This is something that has been on my heart the last few months after one of my best friends, upon discovering our issues with infertility, asked how we felt about adoption, surrogacy, or IVF.  And my obnoxious response was equal parts selfish and ignorant when I replied "none of those are our first choice."  Ha! Can we have a moment of silence for the "no duh" moment I created just then. My best friend (who Lord knows is a true friend, because she still speaks to me after such a brainless response!) offered the most encouraging words of wisdom and spot on advice that can only come from a woman after God's own heart, who has experienced first hand what it feels like to be in this place where you so desperately want a family of your own, but you just can't see how it is going to come about. In her case, it was through the beautiful act of adoption.

I am admittedly no expert on any of these subjects (adoption, IVF, surrogacy, etc.) and, until recently, honestly never considered them as options for us. Please, please don't misinterpret me or the place in my heart where these thoughts are coming from. For 28 years I had my head up my bum never truly understood the way that infertility robs you of peace, joy, and freedom in what should be the happiest, most fulfilling time in your life. It leaves you stressed, bummed, and forced to make tough decisions you may or may not be prepared to make. I recklessly assumed that I would pull out my calendar, pick a nice due date month, quit taking birth control, and get bumped up just as conveniently as I wanted to. I know how ridiculous that sounds now, but for some people it really is that easy. Well it seems like it anyway.

But for the rest of us who don't live in fertile fantasy land, there are some challenging questions you have to be prepared to answer. Some difficult scenarios you have to be aware of.

What if the oh-so-desired pregnancy just is not going to happen naturally?

What if it takes years and years of fertility treatments and procedures before you get pregnant?

What if even after said medical intervention there is no family in sight?

What then?

You entertain other options or you give up, of course all the while praying that God would lead you to make the best choice. And there is no one-size-fits-all here, everyone's decision is different and that is ok. We have not decided what happens next, but today, right now, these are a few of our options and how we feel about them. (I know there are a lot more options than these, but they were the three that my friend mentioned, and the same three that our doctor brought up at our first appointment when he said "you will have the family you always wanted, it just might happen differently than you imagined.")

I am going to start with adoption because, of the three, I am the most familiar with it. We are all adopted into God's family and adoption is very clearly at the core of our Father's heart. That is how I first learned about adoption... in Sunday School. I always thought of adoption as something God calls people to do. The Bible says to care for the widows and orphans, and adoption is one beautiful way to do that.  5 of my cousins are adopted, 3 close friends are in the middle of an international adoption, and 2 of my best friends have adopted children. Praise God that if/when we adopt there is such a loving and supportive group of friends and family surrounding and encouraging us through their own example. I also chose to share my thoughts on adoption first because the choice to adopt is very common, and not exclusively for infertile myrtles such as myself. I actually find it interesting that not all of these children were adopted because of an inability to conceive a child naturally. Some people simply have a strong desire in their heart to adopt, regardless of whether or not they have genetic offspring. It is not their back-up choice if getting pregnant isn't in the cards, it is their first choice for starting or completing their family.

So where does that leave me? 
Curled up in the corner feeling like a complete dum dum for saying "it is not my first choice."

In a moment of complete honesty I am going to tell you why I said that.

Because adoption scares me.

Let me rephrase that, I am scared of what happens when an adoption falls through.
(the birth-mom changes her mind and decides to keep the child or place them in another family or any other combination of heart-breaking events.) I realize how uninformed that sounds as the sole basis for not adopting right now, but half of the adoption stories I know end in that way. God always, always turns it around for good, for His glory and I have an unspeakable amount of admiration and respect for all of the families I know that have been through this. {tears just thinking about it} Adoption is not for the weak-hearted and in this present moment, I feel weak and weary-hearted.  My heart is still healing from learning that I might never be able to be pregnant, to feel a baby kick in my belly, to know the all consuming pain of childbirth {ok, so I would gladly take a free pass on that one!} I don't feel like I am at that place where I can devote my whole heart to the adoption process.

Am I happy with myself or with that answer? No.
I wish that I could embrace adoption with arms wide open, without hesitation or fear that it won't work out. But I'm not at that place yet.

Another reason for the reluctance is that it would be years before we could financially afford to adopt. Grad school is a means to an end, but it seems like it will never end!
Money is not the only constraint, but presently, it is a big one.

So maybe we won't adopt now, but in a few years we may. I will never close that door.

Adoption is how God chose us to be part of his family. I love that!

We are open to adoption, and will continue prayerfully considering it.

And if adoption is His choice for us, I know that He will do a work in our hearts to prepare us for all that it entails and we will follow Him to our adopted family.

I am going to skirt around the surrogacy option because we would need win the lottery {a couple times!} before that could be a viable possibility :)  But in all seriousness, surrogacy is truly remarkable and a great option for some, especially my bff Giuliana Rancic, who welcomed a baby boy last week via gestational surrogate. Congrats girl!

Giuliana Rancic becomes a mom via a surrogate

Of the three options here, IVF is probably the most likely next step we would take if our current plan of trying naturally and/or re-trying IUI is not successful.  Unfortunately it is not covered by our insurance, so it is not really feasible right now.

All that to say I never thought we would find ourselves here, in this infertile land. But here we are and no matter what, God has put the overwhelming desire in our hearts to be parents, so he will fulfill that promise however he chooses.

bump #27: the cure

First off, "the cure" is in no way a reference to Robert Smith and that fabulous 80's band of his. {random trivia: my favorite song of all time is "just like heaven" by the cure} And to all my fellow baby bump seekers, I apologize if you were mislead... I have not found the cure to our present situation, you know, beyond triple-scoop ice cream cones and sephora.com.

The cure that I am speaking of has to do with this:
 

And now I get to wait around for a few days to put my house back together until the paint "cures."
Because after all my reading (ok, so I merely scanned the back label of the can of paint) I learned that

"The paint will not achieve its full strength until it is completely cured...

which is the point at which the paint is as tough and durable as it will get."

This may be the paint fume inhalation talking, but I learned a few things from my painting adventure.

1. I will not be pursuing a career in painting. {Earth-shattering revelation}

This one was easy to come to terms with, mostly because I can't rock the over-alls

that painters are required to wear. No biggie.

2. It takes a really flipping long time for paint to dry

and now I have to wait for it to cure too?!

This is not good for my impatience condition!

which leads to the third lesson

3. I am not finished yet.  2 whole days of painting and it still isn't over.

In real life: I am not finished yet. 2 whole years of trying to start a family

and it still hasn't happened.

The paint has not cured yet and neither have I.

Yes, the paint toxins definitely went straight to my brain, but I think there's a point here somewhere.

This furniture painting project did not turn out like I planned. It took way longer, was super messy, and turned my house upside-down. It is going to be a process to get to the "cured stage."

But once I have my shabby chic, fresh and clean living room these few days of waiting for the paint to dry will have been worth it. 

This family planning project has not turned out like I planned with all of the same aforementioned painting hassles and then some, but it is a process and I am not cured yet. Even if/when God leads us to our family (however He chooses to do so) His work curing me will never be done.

But, in all of this, I am so grateful that I am merely the canvas and He is the artist because my skills with a paintbrush are severely lacking!  

Perhaps I need a cure for turning the everyday mundane experience

into a metaphorical rant on infertility!

bump #26: back to the drawing board

Back to BBT (Basal Body Temperature Charting)

Back to the 6 AM alarm clock reminding me to take my temperature every morning and ever so neatly circle it and connect the dots each day looking for some kind of pattern that proves my body is doing what it is supposed to.

Can I be candid with you and just say that I don't think the dots are lining up right? Not just on that chart (because it's day 4 of my cycle and I've only taken my temp once!) but in my life. Connecting the dots is supposed to be easy.

Dot #1: get pregnant  Dot #2: have a baby  Dot #3: be happy. 

Ok so there are a few "dots" missing in the equation, namely Dot #4: dress said baby up in cute clothes and take a million photos, but you get the idea. I'm beginning to think that my coloring book is crapped out and there aren't even any dots to connect in it. I know it takes time, and at first it's just a mess, but once all the dots are connected it makes a beautiful picture. The problem is that all I see is a blank page.


So for now my temperature chart looks like this:

{blank}

dot. dot. dot.

bump #25: cautiously optimistic

That is how I would describe our outlook after our post-op visit with the doctor on Friday, cautiously optimistic.

We are cautious because this is not our first bump in the road on infertility boulevard. It is the 25th bump. It is also nearing the 25th month that we have been hoping and praying for a baby. Ouch. For all I know there could be 25 more bumps just around the corner. And it is for that very reason that I just upped my credit limit enabling me to self medicate with retail therapy as needed.

Kidding. Kind of.

We are optimistic because it appears that all of the known obstacles (namely that pesky polyp) are out of the way. And it only took like 5 incredibly painful, expensive, and invasive procedures! That sounds sassy, but believe me, I know that it could have been way worse, so I am actually seriously grateful that fingers crossed the worst is over. At least, at this point, we have done everything we possibly can on our end to overcome infertility. So yes, we are optimistic.

But optimistic doesn't necesarilly mean happy. It means we're trying to see the good in all of this. Trying to see God in all of this. It hasn't been easy. Optimistic does not mean that we are all smiles and sunshine. And I'm learning that that's ok.

Don't read too much into that, I am still a happy, bubbly bren. This has just been a very challenging season in our lives and God is showing me that he loves me and carries me through the good times and the tough times and I don't have to pretend like everything is great all the time. It's character building :)   

It actually felt strange to leave the fertility center and not have to schedule another procedure, or make an appointment for an exploratory ultrasound, or fill a prescription. It was a relief, but it was also rather anti-climactic being done there. I wasn't expecting a diploma or some kind of congratulatory ceremony. But in hindsight a little gold medal or something would have been nice. I mean, it is the olympics afterall.  No, on the surface it was just a doctor's office, but inside it felt more like I was leaving a war zone. Battle-scarred, broken, tired, and just over it.

I feel like after all we have done, we are still back at bump #1.
In my head I know that's not true. But my heart needs some convincing.

In fact, I have some pretty disgusting photos from the hysteroscopy last month that prove bump #1 is a thing of the past.

(Sorry for the gross factor, but my life mantra is "pics or it didn't happen", so here are a few pics.)

If you think of it like a blimp, it's not quite as icky.

The doctor explained all of this to me... something about how he removed the polyp and scraped out the potential polyps.
I don't remember what else he said, I just remember thinking, who knew I was growing coral in my uterus?

So here we are.

We don't know what happens next.

We are ok with that. We are working on being ok with that.

bump #24: be still

Sorry for the hiatus! Let’s catch up, shall we?

I am still alive.
I am still not pregnant.

　

“Be still and know that I am God.”

　
Still doesn’t sound like a great place to be, it sounds counter-productive and lazy (spoken from a true obsessive-compulsive, multi-tasking busy-body). I don’t have the patience or desire to just chill and be still. And yet I hear God clearly telling me to be still right now.


The conversation goes something like this:

Me: God, what in the world is wrong with me? Why can’t I have a baby?
God: Be still and know that I am God
Me: Ok, but what about the six girls on my newsfeed that had perfect, precious babies last week? They are the same age I was when I started trying to get pregnant. What’s up with that?
God: Be still and know that I am God.
Me: Um yeah, you said that already. Duly noted.  Thinks ’yeah, I’ll have plenty of time to be still once I have a nice big baby bump and am restricted to bed rest.’ 
God: {face palm} - at least that’s what I imagine his response to be :)

　
The conversation doesn’t always end there, but His response is always the same. It’s kind of infuriating. Until I realize that He keeps telling me the same thing not because he is a recorder on playback, but because I am simply not getting it. His words go right over my head (FYI: I am 4’11” so most things do go right over my head!) Perhaps He is a little infuriated with my response as well. Ugh. I keep missing the point. Can anyone relate? I so want to please my heavenly Father and live a life that reflects his truth, but my tiny brain just can’t fathom how He loves me so much when I miss the mark so bad.

I’ve tried to be still. I even tried yoga once. It was a disaster of epic proportions. My downward dog looked like disco duck. Don’t ask! I don’t think He understands just how hard it is for me to be still. There are way too many things for me to be busy worrying about. I guess that’s why he doesn’t stop there. He goes on to say AND know that I am God. Apparently these concepts go hand in hand. It has always been easier for me to know that He is God. Of course I don’t acknowledge it when I act like I am, but deep down I know. He is good at reminding me.

Here is an example:

I am terrified of the ocean. (Luckily cruise ships combat that fear!)
It all started when I was 4 years old and walking at Shell Beach collecting shells. Imagine that! (I feel it important to say that this was the only time I ever went to the beach without my mom, and of course, the only time I almost drowned.) I ventured out into the water and it was only up to my knees so I took a couple more steps. Unbeknownst to me, the sandbar I was walking on dropped off suddenly and the water was immediately over my head. I panicked. I had taken swimming lessons, but the elementary backstroke of “monkey, airplane, soldier” wasn’t going to save me from that current. I dropped my handful of seashells and my arms were flailing, I was not a svelte tot and was sinking fast. I reached up as high as I could and still was underwater. My eyes stung from the saltwater so I closed them tightly and just as I did, I felt something hit my feet. It was flat and soft and it lifted me back to where I could stand. It could have been an angel or a stingray or a wad of seaweed, but whatever it was, God used it to rescue me. When my arms were flailing and I was sinking down, down, down, he was already there to pull me out.


God wants to rescue us.

All he asks is that we be still so that He can. 

Bottom line: We cannot rescue ourselves. We need to get out of our own way so that He can.

Right now I am drowning in a sea of infertility.

It sucks.

He knows. He is already here to pull me out.

But sometimes I am not still; sometimes I worry that He has let go of me for a minute, you know to see if I can swim. 

I can't.
So I panic.   

And then I turn on the radio and this is what I hear:

Oh no, you never let go
Through the calm and through the storm.
Oh no, you never let go
Every high and every low.
Oh no, you never let go
Lord, you never let go of me…

I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on.
There will be an end to these troubles, but until that day comes,
Still I will praise you
Still I will praise you.

image via

　

bump #23: recovering and moving on

*** We are celebrating our 5 year anniversary this weekend... check out pics here ***

Ok, so day 2 after hysteroscopy was harder. The bleeding mostly stopped, but the cramps got worse. It will be two weeks before the doctor calls with results from the biopsy but most polyps are benign so we aren't too worried. I have been recovering on the couch with a delicious box of chocolates courtesy of MIL and had a lot of snuggle time with my sweet puppy (she's 2 and a half, but tiny so she'll always be my pup!) She is coincidentally in heat right now, so we are sort of commiserating together...

Chocolate makes everything better, (or vanilla for maddie bear)

I am only slightly embarassed to admit that it took me 2 days to realize that I still had those surgery snap things stuck on me. I'm still not exactly sure what they were for, but when I went to get in the shower and noticed them I thought "oh my gosh, I've turned into a robot... cool."

So I expect to be fully recovered by tomorrow (our 5 year anniversary!) and then on Monday we make the 2 day drive to California/Alaska to visit our families for about a month. (Yes, we are always on vacation :) Perfect timing because that gives me just enough time to finish this month's pack of birth control pills and hopefully get back on a normal cycle schedule so that we can start trying to conceive naturally in 6 to 8 weeks (doctor recommends to wait at least a month to let my system heal). That puts us at August-September. We might consider IUI again in October or November. Maybe. No surprise that I'm not eager to inflict anymore pain on my body!

Here's the deal:

As fun as getting all of these procedures done has been (gag) and the overwhelming excitement followed by underwhelming disappointment of a failed IUI, we are going to take a little time off from the infertility center and doctors and try to make a baby au naturale for a while.  Assuming those polyps were the main cause of our inability to get pregnant (apparently the big one "papa polyp" was really big and in the worst spot possible for embryo implantation),

Hopefully the worst is over.
Hopefully bump #24 (or even 25 or 26, I'm willing to be flexible) is finally the real baby bump. Hopefully there will be no more surgeries and no more things other than babies taking up space in my uterus.

Yes we are hopeful, but we are also realistic.

Realistically there could be a whole other plethora of problems preventing pregnancy. The more books I read the more I am convinced that I have a whole laundry list of ailments. So we will continue praying for wisdom and what steps to take next, we will trust that God knows better than we do and is already taking care of everything, I will stop reading books that freak me out (or at least skip over some parts), and we will enjoy an entire month of being surrounded by family and friends that love and support us (and some of the littler ones even help curb our desire to be parents one stinky diaper and tantrum at a time, bless their hearts!)

It's the middle of the year and thus far 2012 has been mostly a let-down. I like to dwell on the positives, but this year has been tough for that. In the whole analogy of "cup half full or half empty" I gotta say irrelevant: my cup is shattered into a million pieces right now and the water is spilled all over the floor. But the year is only half over and still has a chance at redeeming itself. Hopefully 2012 will be the year that started out awful and turned awesome.

Hopefully.

bump #22: hysteroscopy

Two times in my life I've been put under with anesthesia. Once when I was 17 and getting my wisdom teeth pulled and once this morning prior to undergoing a hysteroscopic polypectomy (outpatient surgery to remove uterine polyps). Suffice it to say I am currently extremely groggy and, thankfully, adequately drugged.

I am just so glad it's over!

These are the only pictures I took:

The actual surgery only took about 30 minutes, but we left our house at 9 this morning and did not get home until after 4. We had to go to our doctor's office first to sign papers and pay fees and then we had to go to the hospital where the procedure was performed and get prepped, sign more documents, and pay more fees. Ugh. It is what it is. At least our mission was accomplished!  I am happy to report that big fat polyp is gone and so are a couple little baby polyps that were trying to form.  Bet they didn't see this coming!

For about a millisecond I considered posting a couple pre and post procedure shots (obviously I did not take any photos during) but a couple days before my appointment I did some research that convinced me that "Hysteroscopy: the facebook album" might not be as widely appreciated as one might think. (surprise, surprise).  The research I conducted was not exactly textbook.

Ok, it was Youtube research.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.

I've seen a lot of grotey-gro-gross stuff but the videos on the internet pertaining to this minor little procedure were something straight out of a horror film. Something to the effect of "When vaginas attack get attacked." TMI doesn't begin to describe it.

Needless to say I did not actually manage to sit through any one whole video in it's entirety.
But there were a couple honorable mentions I'll leave you with in my drug-addled state:

This video started off great, with a little pun about being in the land down under. I appreciated the humor until about 20 seconds in when the fun 80's music stopped and talk of "di-luh-tation of the cervical caw-vity" commenced.  Yeah, you lost me there Aussie.

And I'm sure that This video was particularly informative, but I was too distracted by the narrator lady saying uterus every 5 seconds (seriously 26 times in 3 minutes, I counted).

I'm going to be honest with you, there are many better ways to spend your Thursday afternoon.

Like cleaning sink drains or bleaching toilets.
Getting a colonoscopy or... wait that just might be worse than what I had to endure today.
Thank God for butt procedures, the only thing worse than lady part procedures.

This bumpy, infertility plagued road has taught me time and time again the value of perspective.

It could always be worse. 

One of the books I've been reading says "don't worry, none of the procedures you have to go through for infertility treatment even compare to the pain of childbirth." Really, you don't say?!

Somehow that doesn't offer me much solace!