bump #94: infertility after baby

I know it's "Earth Day" and all, but our whole world revolves around Ollie :) 

And he just turned 1 month old!
 



 

More pictures here

 

Besides being Earth Day and Ollie month, it is also National Infertility Awareness Week.

 

2 years ago today, I shared our story and finally was open and honest about our struggle with infertility. We were in the thick of it, with 3 years and 3 failed procedures before us, and no idea what was ahead. We often felt hopeless and alone. Nothing made sense and it seemed like it would never end. And to my dear, dear sisters who are in that place today, know that you're not alone. You will get through this, and every single feeling you are experiencing is valid.

I felt broken with empty arms that ached for a child.

 

I didn't know at that time that I would be here today, writing this very post, with my baby in my arms.

Sweet redemption. 

 

But the sting of infertility is still there. Still fresh in my mind and an ache in my heart.

 

You see, our story isn't done. Yes, we have our miracle and we are so, so grateful. He is finally here and our hearts are starting to heal.

 

But what happens next time?

 

Infertility rears its ugly head again.

 

All these questions that wouldn't have crossed my mind before infertility crossed my path...

 

Am I greedy to want another baby in the future?

We were so lucky to get one, shouldn't that be enough?

Are we prepared emotionally, physically, and financially to pursue IVF again?

If I do get pregnant again, will there be the same complications, or worse?

 

I have to consciously put those thoughts out of my mind. I don't want to live in that place of fear.

 

Even in the midst of our overwhelming joy, infertility is still there.

But I don't let it win anymore.

 

I have this tiny, precious reminder that infertility lost.

 

 

 







bump #52: i can breathe

I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was so nervous about "coming out" as an infertile a couple weeks ago. I kept asking Andrew if it was too uncomfortable a topic to make public, half hoping he would say it was so I could continue to avoid it entirely. Alas, he didn't. We decided it was more important to share our struggle and be honest with our friends and family as well as encourage others who may be facing something similar.

And I am so glad we did!

I feel like I can breathe again.

For the last year during every treatment and stressful cycle I felt like I was holding my breath. Suffocating, really. And that kind of routine is not sustainable. Eventually you pass out or explode.

I exploded... all over this blog and all over Facebook: "We want a baby and we can't have one". And BOOM goes the dynamite.

But instead of being overwhelmed by my sudden {albeit self-imposed} loss of privacy, I was overwhelmed with reassuring and encouraging words from the people who mean the most to me. I thought sharing this burden with y'all 8 more weeks as a Texan, gotta work those "y'all's" in wherever I can :) would knock the wind out of me, but instead you have been a breath of fresh air to my worn down soul.

I never understood the following verse as completely as I do now:

"Share each other's burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ."

Galatians 6:2

Thank you for sharing this burden with me because Lord knows I can't handle it on my own!

I hope you know how very, very much I love y'all!

bump #51: Infertility Awareness Week

Not sure what they mean by "Join the movement"

as this is not a club you really want to be a member of :)

"Unexplained Infertility"

After years spent trying to have a baby, this is our diagnosis.

Such an empty explanation.

Such an empty feeling in my stomach.

This week is Infertility Awareness Week... I feel like I'm aware of it every week, but it's nice to have it acknowledged and addressed because it is typically a hush hush topic.

I've kept it a hush hush topic.

Mostly because it's uncomfortable to talk about and, for us, for now, it's still unresolved.

But lately I've felt the Holy Spirit pulling at my heart strings to share this.  I didn't really want to. I mean, I only like to talk about things that are happy and fun {infertility is neither}. But today I'm coming from a place of honesty and I now realize how silly it is to simultaneously want people to know a bit about our struggle with infertility, but be too much of a scaredy cat to share it's impact in my life. I don't want to talk about how weak I am, how afraid I am that I'll never have children. It's embarrassing and something I keep private. But in sharing our struggles, there is humility. And I think I'm finally at that place. For the record, it's not an easy place to be. Even writing this now is painful because it makes it more real. But I suppose it's time to get real.

For the past three years, Andrew and I have tried and tried and tried to have a baby. {Recap here} They say you are categorized as "infertile" after 12 months or 1 year of unsuccessful baby making attempts. So does that make us triple infertile? Oy!

The reason I'm sharing this now {besides it being the designated week} is because I know we're not alone in this struggle and I want to encourage others who are facing a similar plight. I also want to thank all of you who (whether you knew about this or not) have been so kind and supportive. We are so, so grateful for our amazing family and friends who have surrounded us with encouragement, love, and prayers as we have travelled this very bumpy road of infertility {hence the name of the blog}.

I hope and pray that infertility is not something you ever have to experience. This has doubtlessly been the most difficult season in our lives.

There is not one single good thing I can say about infertility.

But there are many good things I can say about my God who is bringing us through this trial.  We stumble over the bumps and our hearts ache, but His promises hold true.

He loves us.

He will never leave us.

He will be glorified, even in this circumstance.

So this week, no matter what you're struggling with or what your circumstances are, listen to His heart for you...

He loves you.

He will never leave you.

He will be glorified, even in this.