bump #45: 30 before 30 the infertility edition

I devised a list of thirty things I hope to accomplish by my 30th birthday here. Most of the items on that list are silly, fun things that won't really be that hard to complete. Which got me thinking: What are some of the more difficult things I am facing this last year of my twenties?

No brainer: infertility.
Also moving across the country, but I am choosing to see that as an extended vacation which makes it much less stressful.

I came up with the following list of 30 things I hope to do by the time I am 30 regarding infertility.

#1 : Get pregnant. This will appear on the list A LOT because it is of utmost importance.

#2 : Use up my ovulation predictors and then never buy another one again. Ever. Which is such a shame because if there was an Olympic sport for peeing on sticks I would win it hands down.

#3 : Unsubscribe from all of the spam parenting emails bombarding my inbox with taglines like "Your baby is 21 months old" Yes, if I got pregnant a few years ago when we started trying that might be true. I do not need monthly reminders of the child I am not raising.

#4 : Block (not unfriend, I'm not that mean!) the repeat offenders on facebook who insist on posting thrice daily photos of their littles with the caption "53 and 1/2 days old!" ... "53 and 3/4 days old!" Gag me with a spoon. And yes, your baby is adorable. But come on, really?!

#5 : Stop reading infertility books. At this point I've read enough to last me a lifetime. I should probably write one and title it "Surviving Infertility One Shopping Mall At a Time" {substitute shopping mall with chocolate bar, bubble bath, or tropical vacation.}

#6 : No more attending baby showers or children's birthday parties. I've exhausted all the fake smiles I can muster at these events. That sounds bitter and snotty {and it is} but it's just too hard right now.

#7 : Get pregnant. Let's not forget the main goal!

#8 : Pray more.

#9 : Whine less about my bump-less state... obviously this list excluded :)

#10 : Take vitamins because I don't always make healthy food choices (popcorn, pizza, and ice cream are my main food groups.) Maybe I'd eat better if, I dunno, I was with child!

#11 : Increment healthier food choices (fruit, veggies)

#12 : Do things you can't do if you are pregnant like drink a bottle glass of wine (whine less-wine more!), sit in a jacuzzi for an hour, and sleep in as late as I want.

#13 : Schedule an appointment with an acupuncturist. I've heard good things about this.

#14 : Talk openly about our struggle to conceive. I hate that infertility is a taboo subject, but at the same time, I don't always want to talk about it. I have to find a balance somewhere in between.

#15 : Do something fun (go to the movies, get a manicure, grab a fro-yo, wander the mall) on the dreaded first day of my period each month as a little distraction.

#16 : Get pregnant.

#17 : Research San Diego fertility specialists.

#18 : Start saving for IVF because that is what they'll recommend we do next.

#19 : Trust God's timing more.

#20 : Don't blame "God's timing" for ruining my life.

#21 : Stop basing my happiness on having a baby. We will have a baby someday. It just might be way, way in the future. Meanwhile, I need to focus on fulfilling God's purpose for my life right now.

#22 : Hug my puppy everyday because she is a constant source of comfort and joy.

#23 : Buy stock in the company that makes clomid. Seriously, those guys must make a killing!

#24 :  Get pregnant.

#25 : Try not to cringe when I'm out shopping and I see a girl five years younger than me with 3 kids in a cart and an 8 month pregnant belly. Oh and also she probably weighs less than me, third trimester and all. Ugh.

#26 : Thank God everyday for my husband who puts up with my insanity on a daily hourly basis and still loves me very much... I think :)

#27 : Get a back massage. All that stress can't be good for me. Oh also a foot massage sounds good.

#28 : Establish a better sleep schedule. Says the girl writing a lame blog post in the middle of the night on a school night.

#29 : 2 words - Ice Cream. Lots of it. No remorse!

#30 : Get pregnant. Just because it is on this list 5 times does not mean that I want to get pregnant 5 times this year. It means I want to get super pregnant once.

bump #44: glimmers of hope

I was cleaning out my car this afternoon and found these...

I'm going to risk y'all thinking I'm a crazy person and tell you why I had these binkies in the first place. Two months ago when we were in the middle of our third iui, I found a pacifier on the ground in the parking lot right next to my car. I stepped around it and sat down in the driver seat but before I closed my door I had a thought. My first thought was "eww gross" because those things are full of germs. But then I thought, "hmm. finding a binky seems like a sweet little reminder that perhaps a baby is near and maybe this will finally be our month." You know, like a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow (except really a filthy chew toy for an infant). So I picked it up {with a tissue} and kept it.

And then a few days later Andrew found a pacifier on the ground right in front of our mail box. Random, right?!  So we started this little collection thinking how crazy it was that we kept finding binkies everywhere we went. Like some sort of strange scavenger hunt.

We were super hopeful that those binkies signified some good news. But a few days later we learned that our 3rd iui failed. And those "good luck" binkies were nothing of the sort. They were just plain, old, yucky binks neglected and forgotten. In fact, I forgot all about them until today. And for the record, I finally threw them away. But at the time they offered some small glimmer of hope. Which makes me think how silly some of the things I place my hope in are.

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."  Psalm 43:5

bump #43: what if

Usually I try to ignore the what if questions, to bury them deep, deep down. But today I want to know...

There are a few obvious answers... we would have babies, more money in our bank account, and a blissful unawareness of just how much it hurts to want something so bad that you can't have. Golly gee that sounds nice.

But in this new year even if it marks our 3rd year of trying to no avail, I want to look at this struggle differently. I want to see it how God sees it, as a growing experience that will ultimately bring us closer to Him.

So I ask the all too familiar question again, what if we never struggled with infertility?

Would our faith be as strong? 
Would we understand what it means to fully trust God the way that we have had to?

There is something incredibly humbling about leaning into God when this life gets to be too much. It is times like these when He is all we can rely on. I wish it was more of a natural reaction for me to trust Him.  Baby steps... oh the irony!

Would I have ever come to know and love, commiserate and celebrate with my fellow bump-seeking blogger buddies?  You, my sweet little handful of readers, always there to build me up when I'm falling down, have become some of my dearest friends. I cannot express in words how much God has used you in this crippling season of my life. Thank you so much for walking this path alongside me.

I am turning 29 tomorrow and am not exactly where I thought I would be. Pretty sure I say that every birthday :) But I know God has a plan and this struggle is somehow part of His larger plan for our lives. So even though it feels like I'm getting old and falling apart, I know God sees this life differently and I want to see it His way.

"So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever."

2 Corinthians 4:16 {message}