bump #52: i can breathe

I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was so nervous about "coming out" as an infertile a couple weeks ago. I kept asking Andrew if it was too uncomfortable a topic to make public, half hoping he would say it was so I could continue to avoid it entirely. Alas, he didn't. We decided it was more important to share our struggle and be honest with our friends and family as well as encourage others who may be facing something similar.

And I am so glad we did!

I feel like I can breathe again.

For the last year during every treatment and stressful cycle I felt like I was holding my breath. Suffocating, really. And that kind of routine is not sustainable. Eventually you pass out or explode.

I exploded... all over this blog and all over Facebook: "We want a baby and we can't have one". And BOOM goes the dynamite.

But instead of being overwhelmed by my sudden {albeit self-imposed} loss of privacy, I was overwhelmed with reassuring and encouraging words from the people who mean the most to me. I thought sharing this burden with y'all 8 more weeks as a Texan, gotta work those "y'all's" in wherever I can :) would knock the wind out of me, but instead you have been a breath of fresh air to my worn down soul.

I never understood the following verse as completely as I do now:

"Share each other's burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ."

Galatians 6:2

Thank you for sharing this burden with me because Lord knows I can't handle it on my own!

I hope you know how very, very much I love y'all!

bump #51: Infertility Awareness Week

Not sure what they mean by "Join the movement"

as this is not a club you really want to be a member of :)

"Unexplained Infertility"

After years spent trying to have a baby, this is our diagnosis.

Such an empty explanation.

Such an empty feeling in my stomach.

This week is Infertility Awareness Week... I feel like I'm aware of it every week, but it's nice to have it acknowledged and addressed because it is typically a hush hush topic.

I've kept it a hush hush topic.

Mostly because it's uncomfortable to talk about and, for us, for now, it's still unresolved.

But lately I've felt the Holy Spirit pulling at my heart strings to share this.  I didn't really want to. I mean, I only like to talk about things that are happy and fun {infertility is neither}. But today I'm coming from a place of honesty and I now realize how silly it is to simultaneously want people to know a bit about our struggle with infertility, but be too much of a scaredy cat to share it's impact in my life. I don't want to talk about how weak I am, how afraid I am that I'll never have children. It's embarrassing and something I keep private. But in sharing our struggles, there is humility. And I think I'm finally at that place. For the record, it's not an easy place to be. Even writing this now is painful because it makes it more real. But I suppose it's time to get real.

For the past three years, Andrew and I have tried and tried and tried to have a baby. {Recap here} They say you are categorized as "infertile" after 12 months or 1 year of unsuccessful baby making attempts. So does that make us triple infertile? Oy!

The reason I'm sharing this now {besides it being the designated week} is because I know we're not alone in this struggle and I want to encourage others who are facing a similar plight. I also want to thank all of you who (whether you knew about this or not) have been so kind and supportive. We are so, so grateful for our amazing family and friends who have surrounded us with encouragement, love, and prayers as we have travelled this very bumpy road of infertility {hence the name of the blog}.

I hope and pray that infertility is not something you ever have to experience. This has doubtlessly been the most difficult season in our lives.

There is not one single good thing I can say about infertility.

But there are many good things I can say about my God who is bringing us through this trial.  We stumble over the bumps and our hearts ache, but His promises hold true.

He loves us.

He will never leave us.

He will be glorified, even in this circumstance.

So this week, no matter what you're struggling with or what your circumstances are, listen to His heart for you...

He loves you.

He will never leave you.

He will be glorified, even in this.



bump #31: when do you tell people

I'm still navigating this whole I want a baby NOW and it seems like it's going to happen NEVER thing. I would say "infertility" or "trying to conceive" but I'm sick of those terms. They're blah. And not nearly whiney enough to convey the aggravated tone in my voice.

So my question for today is this: when do you tell people that you are struggling with WaBnow? (wanting a baby now - I like how wabnow sounds as opposed to TTC. It'll catch on, give it time!)

I know the general protocol for announcing a pregnancy is to wait 12 weeks, or until most of the first trimester has passed. But just so you know, I am going to announce it here lickety split. Like still holding the positive pee pee stick in one hand and typing with the other!

So what is the protocol with telling people that you aren't able to get pregnant?
I know the obvious... not at a baby shower or a wedding or any other joyous occasion. But how long do you wait? We have been Wabnow for 2+ years. Do you think everybody already knows?

I'm still not ready to come out of my proverbial unpregnant closet!

So far we have been super private about it. It wasn't until a few months ago that I even shared it with my mom. Funny story: my parent's house is my permanent address since we're pretty mobile right now, and a lot of my mail gets delivered to them. So when a bill for $1200 for an IUI from the fertility center arrived in May my mom immediately called me and was all flipped out because obviously someone had stolen my credit card or something about identity theft. It was then that I knew I had to either get on board with the credit card theft theory or just come clean about the whole thing. I came clean. But fast forward to right now and only a couple of my closest friends are in the know. The support, love, and prayers from those friends has been amazing and I feel silly for not telling them sooner, but I also feel like it's nice to keep it on the down low because I don't want to talk about it all the time. I totally appreciate when my close friends ask how we're doing and check in on us, that's comforting. And I LOVE comments on the blog because that is the best reminder that we're not alone in this. The hesitance to go public with all of it really just stems from having to explain something that I don't understand.

I find it hard to believe that a polyp would be the only cause of our bumpless state, so what we are experiencing is still classified as "unexplained infertility." I can't explain it. It's out of my control. But keeping it contained, confined to this space, and to you, my confidantes, makes it feel a little more managable.

I suppose it's different for everybody, and you tell whoever you want to whenever you feel comfortable. I just feel like a bit of a fraud keeping something I want so badly hidden.  Afterall my entire existence is blasted all over facebook and I don't give that a second thought. Sharing our struggle with infertility just stresses me out. Oy. I don't know where all this anxiety is coming from, afterall I am still giving the old "relax" advice a try this month. Deep breaths.