bump #25: cautiously optimistic

That is how I would describe our outlook after our post-op visit with the doctor on Friday, cautiously optimistic.

We are cautious because this is not our first bump in the road on infertility boulevard. It is the 25th bump. It is also nearing the 25th month that we have been hoping and praying for a baby. Ouch. For all I know there could be 25 more bumps just around the corner. And it is for that very reason that I just upped my credit limit enabling me to self medicate with retail therapy as needed.

Kidding. Kind of.

We are optimistic because it appears that all of the known obstacles (namely that pesky polyp) are out of the way. And it only took like 5 incredibly painful, expensive, and invasive procedures! That sounds sassy, but believe me, I know that it could have been way worse, so I am actually seriously grateful that fingers crossed the worst is over. At least, at this point, we have done everything we possibly can on our end to overcome infertility. So yes, we are optimistic.

But optimistic doesn't necesarilly mean happy. It means we're trying to see the good in all of this. Trying to see God in all of this. It hasn't been easy. Optimistic does not mean that we are all smiles and sunshine. And I'm learning that that's ok.

Don't read too much into that, I am still a happy, bubbly bren. This has just been a very challenging season in our lives and God is showing me that he loves me and carries me through the good times and the tough times and I don't have to pretend like everything is great all the time. It's character building :)   

It actually felt strange to leave the fertility center and not have to schedule another procedure, or make an appointment for an exploratory ultrasound, or fill a prescription. It was a relief, but it was also rather anti-climactic being done there. I wasn't expecting a diploma or some kind of congratulatory ceremony. But in hindsight a little gold medal or something would have been nice. I mean, it is the olympics afterall.  No, on the surface it was just a doctor's office, but inside it felt more like I was leaving a war zone. Battle-scarred, broken, tired, and just over it.

I feel like after all we have done, we are still back at bump #1.
In my head I know that's not true. But my heart needs some convincing.

In fact, I have some pretty disgusting photos from the hysteroscopy last month that prove bump #1 is a thing of the past.

(Sorry for the gross factor, but my life mantra is "pics or it didn't happen", so here are a few pics.)

If you think of it like a blimp, it's not quite as icky.

The doctor explained all of this to me... something about how he removed the polyp and scraped out the potential polyps.
I don't remember what else he said, I just remember thinking, who knew I was growing coral in my uterus?

So here we are.

We don't know what happens next.

We are ok with that. We are working on being ok with that.

bump #23: recovering and moving on

*** We are celebrating our 5 year anniversary this weekend... check out pics here ***

Ok, so day 2 after hysteroscopy was harder. The bleeding mostly stopped, but the cramps got worse. It will be two weeks before the doctor calls with results from the biopsy but most polyps are benign so we aren't too worried. I have been recovering on the couch with a delicious box of chocolates courtesy of MIL and had a lot of snuggle time with my sweet puppy (she's 2 and a half, but tiny so she'll always be my pup!) She is coincidentally in heat right now, so we are sort of commiserating together...

Chocolate makes everything better, (or vanilla for maddie bear)

I am only slightly embarassed to admit that it took me 2 days to realize that I still had those surgery snap things stuck on me. I'm still not exactly sure what they were for, but when I went to get in the shower and noticed them I thought "oh my gosh, I've turned into a robot... cool."

So I expect to be fully recovered by tomorrow (our 5 year anniversary!) and then on Monday we make the 2 day drive to California/Alaska to visit our families for about a month. (Yes, we are always on vacation :) Perfect timing because that gives me just enough time to finish this month's pack of birth control pills and hopefully get back on a normal cycle schedule so that we can start trying to conceive naturally in 6 to 8 weeks (doctor recommends to wait at least a month to let my system heal). That puts us at August-September. We might consider IUI again in October or November. Maybe. No surprise that I'm not eager to inflict anymore pain on my body!

Here's the deal:

As fun as getting all of these procedures done has been (gag) and the overwhelming excitement followed by underwhelming disappointment of a failed IUI, we are going to take a little time off from the infertility center and doctors and try to make a baby au naturale for a while.  Assuming those polyps were the main cause of our inability to get pregnant (apparently the big one "papa polyp" was really big and in the worst spot possible for embryo implantation),

Hopefully the worst is over.
Hopefully bump #24 (or even 25 or 26, I'm willing to be flexible) is finally the real baby bump. Hopefully there will be no more surgeries and no more things other than babies taking up space in my uterus.

Yes we are hopeful, but we are also realistic.

Realistically there could be a whole other plethora of problems preventing pregnancy. The more books I read the more I am convinced that I have a whole laundry list of ailments. So we will continue praying for wisdom and what steps to take next, we will trust that God knows better than we do and is already taking care of everything, I will stop reading books that freak me out (or at least skip over some parts), and we will enjoy an entire month of being surrounded by family and friends that love and support us (and some of the littler ones even help curb our desire to be parents one stinky diaper and tantrum at a time, bless their hearts!)

It's the middle of the year and thus far 2012 has been mostly a let-down. I like to dwell on the positives, but this year has been tough for that. In the whole analogy of "cup half full or half empty" I gotta say irrelevant: my cup is shattered into a million pieces right now and the water is spilled all over the floor. But the year is only half over and still has a chance at redeeming itself. Hopefully 2012 will be the year that started out awful and turned awesome.

Hopefully.

bump #22: hysteroscopy

Two times in my life I've been put under with anesthesia. Once when I was 17 and getting my wisdom teeth pulled and once this morning prior to undergoing a hysteroscopic polypectomy (outpatient surgery to remove uterine polyps). Suffice it to say I am currently extremely groggy and, thankfully, adequately drugged.

I am just so glad it's over!

These are the only pictures I took:

The actual surgery only took about 30 minutes, but we left our house at 9 this morning and did not get home until after 4. We had to go to our doctor's office first to sign papers and pay fees and then we had to go to the hospital where the procedure was performed and get prepped, sign more documents, and pay more fees. Ugh. It is what it is. At least our mission was accomplished!  I am happy to report that big fat polyp is gone and so are a couple little baby polyps that were trying to form.  Bet they didn't see this coming!

For about a millisecond I considered posting a couple pre and post procedure shots (obviously I did not take any photos during) but a couple days before my appointment I did some research that convinced me that "Hysteroscopy: the facebook album" might not be as widely appreciated as one might think. (surprise, surprise).  The research I conducted was not exactly textbook.

Ok, it was Youtube research.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.

I've seen a lot of grotey-gro-gross stuff but the videos on the internet pertaining to this minor little procedure were something straight out of a horror film. Something to the effect of "When vaginas attack get attacked." TMI doesn't begin to describe it.

Needless to say I did not actually manage to sit through any one whole video in it's entirety.
But there were a couple honorable mentions I'll leave you with in my drug-addled state:

This video started off great, with a little pun about being in the land down under. I appreciated the humor until about 20 seconds in when the fun 80's music stopped and talk of "di-luh-tation of the cervical caw-vity" commenced.  Yeah, you lost me there Aussie.

And I'm sure that This video was particularly informative, but I was too distracted by the narrator lady saying uterus every 5 seconds (seriously 26 times in 3 minutes, I counted).

I'm going to be honest with you, there are many better ways to spend your Thursday afternoon.

Like cleaning sink drains or bleaching toilets.
Getting a colonoscopy or... wait that just might be worse than what I had to endure today.
Thank God for butt procedures, the only thing worse than lady part procedures.

This bumpy, infertility plagued road has taught me time and time again the value of perspective.

It could always be worse. 

One of the books I've been reading says "don't worry, none of the procedures you have to go through for infertility treatment even compare to the pain of childbirth." Really, you don't say?!

Somehow that doesn't offer me much solace!