bump #25: cautiously optimistic

That is how I would describe our outlook after our post-op visit with the doctor on Friday, cautiously optimistic.

We are cautious because this is not our first bump in the road on infertility boulevard. It is the 25th bump. It is also nearing the 25th month that we have been hoping and praying for a baby. Ouch. For all I know there could be 25 more bumps just around the corner. And it is for that very reason that I just upped my credit limit enabling me to self medicate with retail therapy as needed.

Kidding. Kind of.

We are optimistic because it appears that all of the known obstacles (namely that pesky polyp) are out of the way. And it only took like 5 incredibly painful, expensive, and invasive procedures! That sounds sassy, but believe me, I know that it could have been way worse, so I am actually seriously grateful that fingers crossed the worst is over. At least, at this point, we have done everything we possibly can on our end to overcome infertility. So yes, we are optimistic.

But optimistic doesn't necesarilly mean happy. It means we're trying to see the good in all of this. Trying to see God in all of this. It hasn't been easy. Optimistic does not mean that we are all smiles and sunshine. And I'm learning that that's ok.

Don't read too much into that, I am still a happy, bubbly bren. This has just been a very challenging season in our lives and God is showing me that he loves me and carries me through the good times and the tough times and I don't have to pretend like everything is great all the time. It's character building :)   

It actually felt strange to leave the fertility center and not have to schedule another procedure, or make an appointment for an exploratory ultrasound, or fill a prescription. It was a relief, but it was also rather anti-climactic being done there. I wasn't expecting a diploma or some kind of congratulatory ceremony. But in hindsight a little gold medal or something would have been nice. I mean, it is the olympics afterall.  No, on the surface it was just a doctor's office, but inside it felt more like I was leaving a war zone. Battle-scarred, broken, tired, and just over it.

I feel like after all we have done, we are still back at bump #1.
In my head I know that's not true. But my heart needs some convincing.

In fact, I have some pretty disgusting photos from the hysteroscopy last month that prove bump #1 is a thing of the past.

(Sorry for the gross factor, but my life mantra is "pics or it didn't happen", so here are a few pics.)

If you think of it like a blimp, it's not quite as icky.

The doctor explained all of this to me... something about how he removed the polyp and scraped out the potential polyps.
I don't remember what else he said, I just remember thinking, who knew I was growing coral in my uterus?

So here we are.

We don't know what happens next.

We are ok with that. We are working on being ok with that.

bump #18: taking a break

I am not a quitter.

I am just at my breaking point.

That's great that "God never gives you more than you can handle" but no one ever said that infertility won't.

3 months ago I had the most invasive procedure of my life (or so I thought) performed to determine why I was unable to get pregnant. The results came back normal. But I knew something was wrong.  

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago when our IUI failed because of an enormous polyp. (How did they not see this during the HSG all those months ago?)

Rewind to 3 hours ago when I went in for a saline hysterogram to essentially outline the polyp with water in order to get a clearer picture of it. {One side effect they forgot to mention is that the gallon or so of water they inserted is still leaking out of me even as I write this post. What a gross souvenir!}

Yes, it's still there. Just growing and causing trouble.

That brings us to right now. The point where I want to go back in time to that place where everything didn't revolve around failing at fertility.

No hysterosalpingogram.

No hysterocscopy.

No hysterical crying.

I am taking a break.

Mostly because the next bump in the process is the hysteroscopy and the next available appointment for this surgery isn't until mid July. But I am also taking a break because even after all of these months of trying to have a baby and having medical procedures done, I don't feel any closer to the finish line. In fact, if it's even possible, I feel farther than when we started.



bump # 10: good news and bad news

Bad news first:

An ultrasound this morning revealed that there is a big fat polyp making itself cozy in my uterus.

Bummer.



Read more about uterine polyps here and here and here

We have no idea where it came from, or when. I have never had any of the listed symptoms and the HSG in March and the ultrasound last week showed no polyps. How did this happen? And what the heck is a polyp anyway?  My infertility vernacular is increasing everyday...

All I know is that polyps are benign tumors that form in the endometrium and thrive on estrogen. And they act as a barrier, taking up precious space where the baby is supposed to implant, making getting pregnant even harder. Also they increase the risk of miscarriage. Fantastic. Just where exactly is this excess estrogen coming from?  I haven't even eaten soy products in months.  {Although it does explain the last hormonal flare up post.}

Sidenote: My dad, bless his heart, has had to live with 6 females (2 of them being the canine persuasion, but we all know dogs can be real b*****es too) and when my sisters and I were having particularly emotional outbursts, my dad would always chime in "oops did I step on the estrogen button?"

I can now say with certainty, that this poopy polyp has stepped all over my estrogen button!



Here is what the bad news means...

The polyp will most likely need to be surgically removed before we will be able to achieve and maintain a pregnancy. This polyp came out of nowhere and right in the middle of our first IUI cycle.  And we are too far into this to just call it off now - I have already taken the prescribed femara to boost up my follicles (see good news below), I am doing the HCG injection tonight to bring on ovulation in the next 36 hours, and we are going to continue with the IUI on Monday.  The polyp might get in the way of the embryo implanting in the endometrium, resulting in no pregnancy this month. Or, we may be able to get pregnant anyway, but miscarry later due to complications from the polyp. Thanks bing.com, you nasty nuisance with nothing but bad news that sends me straight back to the bitter bandwagon!  Of course the doctors are very reassuring and explained example after example of all the patients with successful pregnancies where polyps were present and didn't interfere at all. Hopefully we'll be one of those couples.

But realistically we are never one of those couples. You know, the ones who get pregnant on the first try. Or the second try. Or... you get the idea.

So I am already planning on this month being a wash and anticipating another exciting invasive procedure next month called hysteroscopy. (This involves getting put under while scissors are crammed up in my business to literally cut out the polyp).
Oh goody. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse!


Now for the good news:

The femara seems to have worked and picked my left ovary to be the main contributor for this month's egg competition.

This is a picture of my big beautiful follicles 

(beauty is in the eye of the beholder - I totally get that saying now!)

Those big black blotches that look sort of like a peace sign are my follicles. 

Aren't they precious?!  The biggest one is almost 23 mm.

To put it in perspective, a good sized follicle for ovulation is 18 mm.

This chart above shows the sizes of the follicles... the next biggest one is 15 mm and could possibly ovulate as well.
Usually only one follicle releases an egg per month though. We'll take what we can get.

So here we are.

Taking the good with the bad and hoping for the best.