bump #42: the numbers meant nothing

Ok. Here we are again at the end of another failed iui cycle. Ugh. This is all too familiar.

Failed.
Again.

Even though all the numbers looked good.  Failed.

Even though there were 5 healthy follicles. Failed.

Even though we stayed mostly hopeful and positive through this whole ordeal.

Failed.

There are still a lot of questions that remain unanswered.

Why?  Why?  Why?

But there is also this perplexing sense of peace.

When we first stepped foot in the fertility center a lifetime ago in March we didn't know what to expect. {Sidenote: there should be a book entitled "What to expect when you're not expecting" or "Expect the Worst" if you want to skip ahead to the sequel} But we had a number in our heads of how many procedures we were willing to try and how much money we were willing to spend. At this point we tried it all and spent it all which definitely makes us a little uneasy and hesitant to move forward with more extensive treatments {so we aren't going to for a while.}  But even now, broke and empty, there is a sense of peace in knowing that we at least did the best we could with what we have, and no matter what, God is faithful.

I could be pregnant right now and God would be faithful.

I am not pregnant right now and God is still faithful.

We failed.  Still He is faithful.

There is a beautiful song called "I know He knows" by Stefanie Kelly that I first heard years ago at a Hume Lake women's retreat with my mom. I listen to it the most during the really trying times like everyday when I question why God doesn't just use his miracle powers for good and bless us with a baby already.

Why God, why?

I don't know why, but I know He knows.

And that is good enough.

And even when it isn't, when my heart wanders and questions Him,

still He is faithful.

bump #41: what do all these numbers mean?

Monday I had bloodwork done and here are the results:

Progesterone:  Ideally should be >20, last month was 25, this month is 56. {I'm thinking the progesterone supplements are working}

Estrogen: Ideally should be >200, last month was only 134, this month is 898 {yes, you read that right. almost 900. Good news: no more estrogen patches!}

I asked what these higher numbers mean and the nurse told me that I definitely ovulated (I would hope so, I took the ovidrel shot to be sure!) and that I possibly ovulated more than one egg (duh, there were like 5 of them, remember?!) and lastly, that my uterine lining is looking good for implantation.

Sounds like all good news, but we won't really know how good until our pregnancy test on Monday. Which is like 5,345,897 days away. Until then, I will continue eating for 6, as per Erika's suggestion :) and hope that there's at least one little munchkin in there. Or a big, fat turkey as the case may be.

And once again, my mom has left me in stitches with her email response to all of this:

"Yayyyy on the high numbers! OctoMom has got NOTHING on You!

Hehe, I am really excited and hopeful. The good news is we will know in a week.

I know every day seems like a year, but it will be here before you know it!

 Ooohhh, I wonder if the high estrogen numbers mean four little ones!? ...Like 200
points each. Maybe we will get four and a tea cup! *

 Just kidding, I can't help but be excited!"

*Sidenote: tiny dogs, like less than 2 lbs, are called "tea cup" size. And if this whole infertility thing keeps causing me grief I just might start collecting little tea cup doggies until I feel better.

Here's Maddie when she was 4 weeks old and could fit inside a tea cup...

bump #40: let's get this turkey basted!

Monday was IUI #3 and we had our highest numbers yet...

Here's hoping that this turkey is properly basted! 

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!

bump #39: 5 follicles

Today's ultrasound {day 11, so still kind of early} revealed two 16 mm follicles and three 15 mm follicles almost ripe and ready for ovulation. Tomorrow I do the ovidrel shot and Monday morning is the iui.  To put it in perspective, the last two iui's I only had one mature follicle, and they say you only need one. But I'm inclined to disagree. So five sounds fabulous to us! Unfortunately it doesn't sound fabulous to the doctor who kept asking me "how tall are you?" and other concerned questions about the logistics of my five foot (on a good day, after stretching) frame carrying two or more babies. He mentioned something about selective reduction (which we're not really into), but when he said that there is a possibility of triplets my eyes got really big and I exclaimed, "THREE BABIES?! Perfect, then Andrew can get snipped and we're done!"  I was mostly joking because I recognize that the likelihood of this working at all, let alone producing more than one, is still minimal. Five potential follicles does not mean that five will release or get fertilized or become a baby. But five is better than one and for a second it was fun to think about.

So after the appointment, I did what I always do; I called my mom and asked what she thought about everything. She was almost as excited even more excited than us. She heard "five follicles" and immediately screams "FIVE BABIES! We need to have a fundraiser! And a diaper drive! Ooh, this is so exciting! You're going to be on the news!" I think it's safe to say someone got her hopes up :)  We know infertility is dismal and our chances are not great, even this cycle, but it's fun to be a little bit silly about it and find something to giggle at. My mom is good at lightening the mood.

bump #38: needles

So part of the protocol for this month's iui is injectables (75 units of follistim per shot) for 3 days. Today was day 2 and the shots haven't been too bad {a little worse than the ovidrel shot, but still not too painful}.   I finished 5 days of clomid and had no side effects, which worries me because that makes me think it's not working. The only thing I've noticed with the follistim is that it makes me sleepy, but I do the shot at night so it could just be correlation not causation. Yawn. 

I have an ultrasound on Friday morning to check on the size of the follicles so until then, who knows if any of this is working?!

In other news, my mom is coming to visit this weekend! {So Super Excited!!!} We will have to do our insemination while she's here, which is totally fine, but perhaps a little awkward for her.

Ok, so when I told her about it, her response was "I am so sorry, I am coming at the worst possible time... you need your "quality time", don't worry though, I'll just turn the tv up really loud."

So funny!

Hopefully I reassured her that she doesn't have to worry about interrupting anything. We're doing iui because "quality time" {normal baby making way} doesn't work for us. But I thought what she said was hilarious, so I had to share it :)

bump #37: stepping up our game

On Friday we met with our RE (reproductive endocrinologist) and OBGYN to conduct an ultrasound, collect bloodwork, and ask a lot of questions about what our next steps should be after 2 failed iui's. The doctors were super helpful and informative, but I learned that in dealing with infertility issues you really have to be your own advocate and do a lot of research on your own. So I did. You would have been so proud of me using big grown up words like luteal phase, uterine lining, and laparoscopy (except I kept saying it like lap-row-scopey and it's lap-uh-ross-cuppy). Ugh. I guess that's the difference between me and med school. The only difference I'm sure.



I will NEVER get used to "scooching" down on that stupid table!
Shouldn't they buy me a steak dinner first? Come on guys, I have standards!

The plan was always to do 3 iui's before moving on to more effective (read: expensive and invasive) procedures. I just didn't anticipate even needing 3 iui's because, duh, the first or second one will totally work. Right. So here we are again.

IUI #3: clomid and injectables

Is it just me or does that sound like the title of a horror flick?

In the past I've only taken a low dose of femara to boost my follicles and an ovidrel shot to induce ovulation with insemination on cycle day 14.  Easy peasy. As far as I know the medications did what they were supposed to, and increased our likelihood of conception, but not enough to make a difference. So for this third and {probably} final iui, we are stepping up our game and I am taking 100 mg of clomid everyday for 5 days and then 3 days of follistim (follicle stimulating hormone) injections. Initially we chose femara over clomid because clomid has a greater risk of multiples which could be complicating for my midget frame. But to that extra chance of twinsies, we say BRING IT ON! We decided to add injectables along with the clomid because they dramatically icrease the chances of success. There was also a voucher reducing their cost, and I'm a stickler for a bargain.  Even with that voucher the cost of this iui is significantly more {like $700 more} than our other iui's, which is why we will probably only do this once and then start selling our vital organs on the black market work on saving funds for ivf in the next couple years. 

There was talk of in vitro, or the "ferrari of fertility treatments" as Dr. Martin referred to it. Which leads me to believe that our past iui's would fall into the not-so-fancy el camino category.

Hopefully this new iui is closer to the luxury category like a Lexus or something.

But an SUV one just in case the clomid works overtime :)