bump #56: when baby making takes a backseat

 I might as well just out myself as the worst blogger and worst infertile. The last month or so has been devoid of blog posts and entirely consumed with

finally moving into our new apartment (pics here),

We moved in August, but it's just starting to feel like home. Pumpkin spice lattes help a lot.

starting a new job (pics here),

and decorating and redecorating my classroom as well as fulfilling the coursework and staff development requirements of being a first year teacher (14 hour days, y'all)

and helping organize my sister's wedding (pics here).

All fun things, but all super overwhelming. The silver lining of living in this constant state of craziness is that I am getting a lot done and I haven't even thought about having a baby for more than a couple minutes each day because there's simply no time. Not sure if that really counts as a plus, but it sure beats period math.

Of course I still want to be a mommy more than anything in the world, but I'm preparing myself for that to continue to be a very challenging endeavor. The thought that we've been trying to get pregnant for over 3 years knocks the wind out of me. So does the thought of stepping foot in another doctor's office. I did a search for fertility clinics in San Diego the other day and then promptly closed my laptop and walked away without taking another glance. I couldn't do it, it was like PTSD or something. All the icky memories came flooding back at me and all I could do was shut it away, pray for a miracle, and move on. There are no guarantees and I can't handle anymore stress.

I am so grateful to finally have a teaching job and I want to keep it :)  Fertility treatments are like a whole other full time job and ain't nobody got time for that. So, for now (and the next few months), I am going to focus on the good in life, work my bum off, and put all the stress of baby making on hold for a while. It's like I'm trading in Gonal-F for grading papers and Lupron for writing lesson plans. I can't help but think that being surrounded by 10 year old maniac children all day is serving as a fertility deterrent!

bump #54: quiet

Sorry for the quiet over here. After a couple fun days at the beach (pics) we went to Boston for Andrew's lit conference and ended up touring most of New England (pics). Between all the travelling and everyday stuff we are also getting ready to move back to California at the end of the month. Blogging has temporarily taken a backseat to packing and I'm finding it hard to put a simple string of words together that have any meaning. I suppose that's normal for me, but at least I have an excuse now.

Even though it's been quiet on the blog front, I could use a whole lot more quiet in my life right now!

Lucky for me, Summer break starts this week. Sorry to my non-teacher friends, I am of the firm belief that everyone should have Summer's off. If I ever run for president that will be my platform. It will also be the undoing of this Country's economy. Not like we didn't see that coming. Life is quieting down and we have a chance to regroup and collect our thoughts. My thoughts are so scattered right now. If you saw me, I would have a blank stare on my face and sharpie marker all over my hands. Lots of packing going on, remember?

Usually times of quiet frustrate me to no end. I need finality, answers, peace, stability. I feel like God has been really quiet lately. My prayers are there and I know He hears them, but it's quiet. Not to say that He isn't answering the prayers, but His response is to quiet myself down. And here I thought the squeaky wheel gets the grease. So I am learning to welcome the quiet. Trying to embrace His peace that comes from quieting my worried heart. But it's hard for me to find comfort in quiet times, just reprieve. It mostly feels like a "calm before the storm" sort of state. Chaos is looming. Just like these last 6 months that we've taken a break from fertility treatment have been mostly nice (at least I'm nicer without being pumped full of hormones), there is still a long road ahead of us. About 1,500 miles but it works on another level too.

With Maddie's excited yipping and my mom and I singing 80's tunes blasted on my ipod at the top of our lungs, I can guarantee the drive to California will be anything but quiet.

But that kind of noise, I like.

bump #30: no news is good news

There is no new news to report here.
But I am inclined to disagree with the saying that "no news is good news."

Nope. That's just another moronic mantra that does not apply to infertility. Same as "a stitch in time saves nine" and "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush." Stitches suck and who wants a bird at all? I want a baby!

So, no news is not good news and it makes for a very boring bump on the {b}log.

But that's where we're at. This boring spot where TTC is a real nuisance and we're getting nowhere. But, regardless, I've been diligently tracking my temperature the last few weeks, tinkling on OPK's, (Pretty much everything short of the cervical mucus analysis because that just really freaks me out!), cutting out caffeine and my beloved pina coladas, replacing them with prenatal vitamins that make me gag and healthy smoothies. Blagh. And after all of that, I'm pretty sure I didn't even ovulate last month. So it was all for naught.

It's like my reproductive system is going on strike.
I guess I don't blame it.

And in the midst of all of this stress, everyone {ok just my mom really, oh and Frankie from Frankie Goes to Hollywood} keeps telling me to relax. And I'm sure there's some truth to that. Not like do yoga, breath deeply, meditate, and BAM! - Pregnant! But like quit hating on my uterus (that insists on housing polyps instead of persons) and stop dwelling on the worst case scenarios (like being forced to live on the street after fertility treatments bankrupt us.) Yes, that is in fact a dark place in my mind that pops up every once in a while and I have no comment as to whether or not I have been saving all my cardboard boxes for, you know, just in case!

Being told to relax isn't my favorite thing.
Relaxing feels impossible.

But what the heck, I'll go ahead and give it a try. A relaxed attitude is not a defeatist one. This is not me throwing in the towel. I suppose this is me "going to the beach and laying out on the towel." I choose to look at relaxing as regrouping, recharging, and really re-examining our route.

So September will be the month where I chillax a bit.

{Yeah, right!}

bump #25: cautiously optimistic

That is how I would describe our outlook after our post-op visit with the doctor on Friday, cautiously optimistic.

We are cautious because this is not our first bump in the road on infertility boulevard. It is the 25th bump. It is also nearing the 25th month that we have been hoping and praying for a baby. Ouch. For all I know there could be 25 more bumps just around the corner. And it is for that very reason that I just upped my credit limit enabling me to self medicate with retail therapy as needed.

Kidding. Kind of.

We are optimistic because it appears that all of the known obstacles (namely that pesky polyp) are out of the way. And it only took like 5 incredibly painful, expensive, and invasive procedures! That sounds sassy, but believe me, I know that it could have been way worse, so I am actually seriously grateful that fingers crossed the worst is over. At least, at this point, we have done everything we possibly can on our end to overcome infertility. So yes, we are optimistic.

But optimistic doesn't necesarilly mean happy. It means we're trying to see the good in all of this. Trying to see God in all of this. It hasn't been easy. Optimistic does not mean that we are all smiles and sunshine. And I'm learning that that's ok.

Don't read too much into that, I am still a happy, bubbly bren. This has just been a very challenging season in our lives and God is showing me that he loves me and carries me through the good times and the tough times and I don't have to pretend like everything is great all the time. It's character building :)   

It actually felt strange to leave the fertility center and not have to schedule another procedure, or make an appointment for an exploratory ultrasound, or fill a prescription. It was a relief, but it was also rather anti-climactic being done there. I wasn't expecting a diploma or some kind of congratulatory ceremony. But in hindsight a little gold medal or something would have been nice. I mean, it is the olympics afterall.  No, on the surface it was just a doctor's office, but inside it felt more like I was leaving a war zone. Battle-scarred, broken, tired, and just over it.

I feel like after all we have done, we are still back at bump #1.
In my head I know that's not true. But my heart needs some convincing.

In fact, I have some pretty disgusting photos from the hysteroscopy last month that prove bump #1 is a thing of the past.

(Sorry for the gross factor, but my life mantra is "pics or it didn't happen", so here are a few pics.)

If you think of it like a blimp, it's not quite as icky.

The doctor explained all of this to me... something about how he removed the polyp and scraped out the potential polyps.
I don't remember what else he said, I just remember thinking, who knew I was growing coral in my uterus?

So here we are.

We don't know what happens next.

We are ok with that. We are working on being ok with that.

bump # 20: this break won't end

Taking a break from infertility sounded good in theory. 

Too good.

As if you could simply push something so pervasive from your mind voluntarily.

But come on, we all know that taking said break was really code for "Fertility Center of San Antonio is overbooked this month, so bren's bum uterus is on the backburner."

I hate the back burner. It's where yucky stuff like okra goes. Gross.

Knowing that there is no way (nothing short of a miracle) that we can attain pregnancy before undergoing hysteroscopy (getting that okra-like polyp out of my uterus), and of course no guarantee even after that, I am SO OVER THIS BREAK!!!

Can we just call it what it is... a whopping waste of time.

Everything is getting pushed so far back.  I keep losing months.  Even after that surgery I have to complete a round of birth control while everything heals. Another month gone.

My reproductive system is synonymous with birth control.

Listen up reproductive system - your break is almost over and when it is, you better kick it into high gear to make up for all this lost time!

bump #19: plenty of time

Summer is here and for us teachers that means vacation! {woot woot}

I had high hopes that this Summer break would be a good time to get all those pain in the @$$ fertility procedures out of the way now that my schedule is so flexible.  Hooray for free time!

However, apparently just because I have a newfound flexible schedule does not mean the doctors do. Boo hoo.

After my last appointment (you know, the one where they said I needed surgery but they can't get me in for another month - yeah that one) I realized that this Summer is NOT going to be the one where everything goes as planned.

"Earth to Bren: when has anything EVER gone as planned?"

Rather than wallow while waiting (I mean it's not like I'm looking forward to a hysteroscopy)
I am embracing these next couple weeks off and putting baby-making plans on the back burner.

I am enjoying sleeping in every morning and wearing pajamas until noon.

I am eating ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner whenever I want because it makes me happy.

I am reading books like this one because it's informative and good for a giggle.

I am reading articles like this one because it makes my childless life seem pretty fantastic.

I am researching fun things to do for our family reunion next month in Alaska. I love an adventure!
- Silver lining: eating all that ice cream has given me a nice plump layer of chub to keep me warm and cozy in the cold Alaskan weather :)

This Summer is not exactly what I thought it would be, but I'm done putting parameters on pregnancy. (Examples: "Last year at this time I was certain we'd be a family of 3 by now" or "if we don't have a baby by (insert any date) I'm going to (do something completely non-sensical)"

Pregnancy parameters is a silly game that only ends in sad face with a side of sass.

Summer break is a gift of time to be spent however I want, and I am not going to waste any of it worrying about IF stuff. There's plenty of time for that later.

bump #18: taking a break

I am not a quitter.

I am just at my breaking point.

That's great that "God never gives you more than you can handle" but no one ever said that infertility won't.

3 months ago I had the most invasive procedure of my life (or so I thought) performed to determine why I was unable to get pregnant. The results came back normal. But I knew something was wrong.  

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago when our IUI failed because of an enormous polyp. (How did they not see this during the HSG all those months ago?)

Rewind to 3 hours ago when I went in for a saline hysterogram to essentially outline the polyp with water in order to get a clearer picture of it. {One side effect they forgot to mention is that the gallon or so of water they inserted is still leaking out of me even as I write this post. What a gross souvenir!}

Yes, it's still there. Just growing and causing trouble.

That brings us to right now. The point where I want to go back in time to that place where everything didn't revolve around failing at fertility.

No hysterosalpingogram.

No hysterocscopy.

No hysterical crying.

I am taking a break.

Mostly because the next bump in the process is the hysteroscopy and the next available appointment for this surgery isn't until mid July. But I am also taking a break because even after all of these months of trying to have a baby and having medical procedures done, I don't feel any closer to the finish line. In fact, if it's even possible, I feel farther than when we started.