bump #31: when do you tell people

I'm still navigating this whole I want a baby NOW and it seems like it's going to happen NEVER thing. I would say "infertility" or "trying to conceive" but I'm sick of those terms. They're blah. And not nearly whiney enough to convey the aggravated tone in my voice.

So my question for today is this: when do you tell people that you are struggling with WaBnow? (wanting a baby now - I like how wabnow sounds as opposed to TTC. It'll catch on, give it time!)

I know the general protocol for announcing a pregnancy is to wait 12 weeks, or until most of the first trimester has passed. But just so you know, I am going to announce it here lickety split. Like still holding the positive pee pee stick in one hand and typing with the other!

So what is the protocol with telling people that you aren't able to get pregnant?
I know the obvious... not at a baby shower or a wedding or any other joyous occasion. But how long do you wait? We have been Wabnow for 2+ years. Do you think everybody already knows?

I'm still not ready to come out of my proverbial unpregnant closet!

So far we have been super private about it. It wasn't until a few months ago that I even shared it with my mom. Funny story: my parent's house is my permanent address since we're pretty mobile right now, and a lot of my mail gets delivered to them. So when a bill for $1200 for an IUI from the fertility center arrived in May my mom immediately called me and was all flipped out because obviously someone had stolen my credit card or something about identity theft. It was then that I knew I had to either get on board with the credit card theft theory or just come clean about the whole thing. I came clean. But fast forward to right now and only a couple of my closest friends are in the know. The support, love, and prayers from those friends has been amazing and I feel silly for not telling them sooner, but I also feel like it's nice to keep it on the down low because I don't want to talk about it all the time. I totally appreciate when my close friends ask how we're doing and check in on us, that's comforting. And I LOVE comments on the blog because that is the best reminder that we're not alone in this. The hesitance to go public with all of it really just stems from having to explain something that I don't understand.

I find it hard to believe that a polyp would be the only cause of our bumpless state, so what we are experiencing is still classified as "unexplained infertility." I can't explain it. It's out of my control. But keeping it contained, confined to this space, and to you, my confidantes, makes it feel a little more managable.

I suppose it's different for everybody, and you tell whoever you want to whenever you feel comfortable. I just feel like a bit of a fraud keeping something I want so badly hidden.  Afterall my entire existence is blasted all over facebook and I don't give that a second thought. Sharing our struggle with infertility just stresses me out. Oy. I don't know where all this anxiety is coming from, afterall I am still giving the old "relax" advice a try this month. Deep breaths.

bump #6: test results

You would think that after a year and a half of TTC (trying to conceive) that waiting a week or 2 for blood test results would seem like nothing. Lemme tell ya, it feels like an eternity!

I have been so worried that there are major complications with regard to my thyroid or blood sugar levels or antibodies. So when I listened to the voice mail from the nurse this afternoon and she said everything from the "new fertility panel" (blood tests) came back normal, I was both relieved and flustered.  Relieved that there are no obvious problems, but flustered that we still don't know what's going on.

These thoughts continue swirling in my head: 
"Could it be (insert random disease)" 
"Maybe they should check to be sure I don't have (insert odd condition)" 
"I read something about (some incredibly rare occurrence) in a book and I think that might be the problem."

To have it still be unexplained after all of these tests and procedures is really stressing me out. Ironically, maybe it is that stress that is the problem!


There was one little tidbit of information gained from the bloodwork... apparently I am "rubella equivocal." Yeah, I wasn't quite sure what that meant either because I know I have had MMR (measles mumps rubella) shots. {Another pleasantry of the public school system.}  To be rubella equivocal means that I may or may not be immune to rubella or German measles.

From the gist of the voice mail, it sounds like I can either get the immunization (that I know I have already had) and wait 30 more days to pursue any course of action.

Or

I can simply sign a waiver stating that I will not be receiving the immunization (because I already did) and continue with our plan of IUI. I am leaning more towards this option at this point in time.
Just for the record, I do know how dangerous rubella can be during pregnancy, and am not trying to downplay it at all. However, I also know that I received the rubella vaccine and that these tests they took are somewhat vague. {Like what exactly does "normal" mean?} To be rubella equivocal simply means it was inconclusive, so I may or may not be immuned. It's in the gray area.

I'm tired of living in the gray area.
 

Whether I have the rubella immunity or not does not really have any effect on my ability to get pregnant, so we are still back at square one... Unexplained infertility.

I suppose leaving it as "unexplained" just further proves that life really is a miracle.

God, if you're listening, I'm ready for my miracle now!