bump #70: 7 weeks

Baby is 10 mm or 1 cm or the size of a blueberry. Yum! 

We had our 7 week sonogram this morning and got to measure the heartbeat... 148 beats per minute. 120-180 is the normal range, so we're right smack dab in the middle.  The lines on the left of the picture are the heart rate monitor lines. There's little tiny waves at the top, it's not as flat lined as it looks. Phew!

We still haven't gotten to hear the heart beat yet, because this particular ultrasound machine doesn't pick up sound. But it's still fun to see the flicker, and gives us something else to look forward to later. I plan on buying an at home doppler so I can hear the heartbeat anytime I want to, but it doesn't usually work until around 10 weeks.

In other news, I hadn't actually selected an ObGyn since we moved back from Texas because we went directly to the fertility center, so after lots of research and several great recommendations, I miraculously got in with a fabulous doctor. In 3 weeks I will graduate from the fertility center and continue my prenatal care with Dr. Yvonne Goff. The only weird thing is they will see me at 10 weeks and then not again until 20 weeks. I'm used to at least weekly appointments thanks to the pampering of San Diego Fertility Center. Also, isn't the gender reveal ultrasound between 14 and 18 weeks? No way am I skipping that!

Everyone thinks this little baby is a girl. Everyone except me. I would LOVE a little girl, but as the oldest of 3 girls I think my family needs a little more blue in their lives. Either way, we'll obviously be so excited, but for now I'm being contrarian. Also, girls' heartbeats are normally at the higher end of the spectrum and 148 isn't that high, and the yolk sac for girls is normally on the left and mine is on the right. Any other wives' tales I'm missing?

School starts back up next week and I don't know how I'm going to make it through the day without my 2 hour afternoon nap, or every 5 minute pee breaks. I'm just thankful I've had such a productive-reproductive summer break :)  And everyone has been so nice to me and given me sweet gifts... My Aunt Vanessa gave me this awesome Mama-to-be tea and since I haven't been drinking any coffee, tea, caffeine anything the last 3 months, it's been nice to have something other than water to drink that is safe for the baby. My friend Tiffany got me yummy "bump booster" pregnancy cookies and belly butter (it's never to soon to ward off stretch marks!). My grandma made me special natural and organic household cleaning products ha! as if I clean anything :) and a whole bunch of other wonderful goodies. Thank you guys!

Save for the 5 minute ultrasounds each week, I still can't believe that this is really happening. I never thought I would get to experience pregnancy. It's cliche, but every step of the way is surreal. I honestly still twinge when I see pregnant women in the store and then I realize, "oh, I'm one of them now!" I'm noticing new symptoms each day, and rejoicing with every minute of nausea and soreness and discomfort because that means it's really happening! I am so happy to be carrying this little miracle around!

bump #69: the heartbeat

Today was our first ultrasound! I am 6 weeks and 2 days along and the baby measures 6 mm long. This is all so new, and it is so, so tiny, but we are clinging to hope that we will hold this baby in our arms in 8 months.

The highlight of today was seeing the baby's heartbeat. 

As sweet as it was to see the word "pregnant" on the pregnancy test, seeing that little flicker on the screen was a million times more precious. My heart grew three sizes this day!

While I was home visiting family last weekend, my mom and I scoped out yard sales and the swap meet for baby clothes. We know it's way too soon, but for 50 cents a piece we can't be stopped! Plus some of them were really cute! Not pictured are the maltese pajamas and pink tutu onesie from Costco. Those were not in the quarter pile, but we couldn't resist!

Everyone thinks the baby is a girl so we have double the amount of girl clothes. Either way, I have a bunch of friends with babies so these outfits will all get used.

So far my 6 week belly is exclusively bloat from a swollen ovary (a residual side effect of all the fertility drugs that the Dr. says will go away soon.) So no maternity photos yet. But here are a couple pics we took this week:

We just told our family in Ohio the good news and sent a card with this picture.

We saw this hilarious article featuring a husband maternity photo shoot that Andrew just had to mimic this afternoon with a "manternity" session at the pool.

You're welcome :)

bump #68: 2nd beta

Beta #1: 441

Beta #2: 807

Twins would have been amazing, but it looks like a singleton for us this time. Praise God the numbers went up! Now it's another 2 week wait until our first ultrasound on August 1st.

Am I neurotic for taking pregnancy tests every morning to make sure I'm still pregnant?

bump #67: i saw the sign

And the sign was POSITIVE!

8dp5dt     Sunday, July 13, 2014 

Beta test Wednesday, July 16: HCG 441

We are SO excited! And still a little cautious because it's so, so early.

We're keeping quiet for a while (no big announcements on facebook), but y'all are my besties and have been with us through it all, so of course I'm telling you first!

We are praising God for this miracle and not taking one single second for granted. 

THANK YOU for continued prayers for a healthy pregnancy. 

THANK YOU for all of the love, support, and encouragement you have shown us.
THANK GOD for answered prayers.

bump #66: please just one sign

5dp5dt.

Last week I didn't even know what that meant, and now I am frantically searching online discussion boards hoping to find some symptom or sign to relate to at "5 days post a 5 day transfer." So far it's just a bunch of hormonal, whiney women. I suppose I can relate to that.

In the world of IVF, this is my first rodeo and I don't know what to expect. 

It doesn't help that the crinone (progesterone vaginal suppository, ick.) brings a whole host of pregnancy like symptoms with it. Meaning, I can't tell if I have super sore boobs because I'm growing a human or because I overdosed on progesterone cream. Are the minor cramps I'm feeling due to implantation of an embryo, or are they a side effect of the constipation from the prenatal vitamins? Yes, TTC is super glamorous. I would just feel so much *better* if I had a classic sign like implantation spotting (none yet) or morning sickness (not even a little nauseous.) I don't really feel any different, so I don't really feel like it's working.

The beta test isn't until Wednesday, and SDFC never had me come in after the transfer to check my hormone levels, which I thought was odd. It just feels like an even longer 2 week wait, especially with no symptoms. So of course, I'm assuming the worst. This cycle is a flop and we're going to have to do it all over again. Pouty face.

I did stumble across some odd things that women wrote as initial signs that let them know they were pregnant... One lady said she had an aversion to certain smells, specifically car exhaust fumes. I don't know about you, but I don't know anyone who is particularly fond of carbon monoxide smells. Another woman wrote that she had never been so tired in all her life and was experiencing migraines. It turns out, she wasn't pregnant, she was having caffeine withdrawals. Maybe there's nothing much to the signs or symptoms and I need to get over it and be grateful that I feel normal.

Fellow IVFers: What symptoms did you experience? Did you have a 3 day or 5 day transfer? When did you take a HPT? Any advice on how to survive the 2WW?

I am SO grateful for this blog community! I love you girls!!!

bump #65: it only takes one

After extracting 15 follicles yielding 9 eggs that became 7 fertilized embryos, we were left with only 3 blastocysts. We transferred 2, leaving just 1 to freeze for next time.

After all those injections and ultrasounds and stress over what to do if we ended up with a boat load of embryos that's an image! And there is just 1 remaining.

But one is all it takes. So we are grateful for the one.

bump #64: the transfer

This morning was our day 5 transfer of two little blastocysts.

 My amazing mom came all the way down to San Diego to be here for the big day. LOVE HER!!! She was so sweet and nurturing, hovered over my belly talking to the babies. "You can do it. We can't wait to meet you!"

 We were disappointed to learn that the two lower embryos quit growing at the 8 cell stage and we will hear the verdict of the remaining three tomorrow. We are hoping to have 2 to freeze for future use. Prayers please!

 Transfer complete!

And now I'm taking it easy for a few days and hoping for a positive beta on the 16th. My doggies are super excited for a potential new sibling. Maddie thinks it's a girl :)

bump #63: eggs over easy

First of all, THANK YOU!!! Thank you for all the prayers, encouragement, and well wishes you have been sending my way. It is making a huge difference and I am so grateful for all the love! Every doubt and worry is washed away, and it may be the anesthesia still in my system, but I am on cloud 9. 

Our egg retrieval was this morning and it was a piece of cake, or a platter of donuts, as you'll see later.

I went to bed early last night... mostly because I didn't want to eat anything past dinner at 7 and I had nothing else to stay awake for :)  I woke up super excited to get these follicles out and get what's left of my waistline back. I quickly learned that they don't actually take the follicles out; they drain them to obtain the egg and then they fill up with water again leaving me still bloated. Que sera. At least I'll have great bump photos from day 1... "Here I am 3 days pregnant and already wearing maternity clothes!" Awesome. Anyway, we arrived at San Diego Fertility Center at 7:30, filled out final paperwork, took vitals, prepped for surgery, and I was wheeled off at 8:30. Everything was done and we were on our way home by 9:30. I took a zofran pill before the anesthesia and experienced no nausea at all. I woke up feeling like a million bucks. But I looked like this...

I'm quite the fashion plate in this hospital gown get up. It's a wonder Andrew could resist me. Honestly, after putting the hair cap on I burst into a round of "I'm so fancy, you don't even know." Keepin' it classy.

Driving in traffic to SDFC
I'm all smiles at 6:30 am, Andrew is still waking up :)

Our RE, Dr. Kettel, was amazing. I'm sure he especially appreciated me asking if he brought me kettle corn from the Del Mar Fair up the road. #whatdoyouexpectwithanamelikekettel? I was just proud of my restraint in not calling the kettel black.  I like to keep my racist rants to a minimum. At least I made one new friend today... Dr. Lozano, the anesthesiologist. He's my favorite. 

This was our latest ultrasound from Saturday morning. 

Saturday night was the ovidrel injection and with that all the shots are over! Hallelujah! 

 They extracted all 15 follicles, but only 9 of them had eggs. Of those nine, 6 look mature for fertilization.

Today is ICSI and tomorrow they will let us know how many embryos we have. Wednesday is "decision day" where they let us know if our embryo transfer will be on Thursday (3 day transfer) or Saturday (5 day transfer). Here is a break down of what is supposed to be happening each day...

I felt so great after the retrieval that I immediately filled out the patient feedback forms with a glowing review, watched all 4 hours of the Today show, caught up on all my favorite blogs, and sent Andrew on an errand for my favorite donuts after reading about Gourdoughs donuts at Allison's blog.

The retrieval was great and we're hoping our transfer goes just as well. Super excited that my mom will be here for the transfer! I can't believe it's all finally happening! Now back to my donuts!


UPDATE: The doctor just called to let me know that we have 7 fertilized eggs. Yay! Lucky #7 and next week 7-7 is our 7 year anniversary. Perfect!

bump #62: hit me with your best shot

And so it begins...

Am I the only one who finds it odd that our pharmacy doubles as a liquor store? Maybe the alcohol makes it easier, you know a round of shots before your actual round of shots :)

Here's the obligatory shot of "the goods." No pun intended. Andrew and I pick a different "shots" themed song to hum while he does the injections each evening.

Bon Jovi: "Shot to the heart and you're to blame, darlin' you give love a bad name."

Pat Benatar: "Hit me with your best shot."

LMFAO: "Shots, shots, shots."

Bob Marley: "I shot the sheriff."

I gotta say, so far these shots are nothing. The Menopur one stings a bit, but I've been working hard on my muffin top for a few years now and that extra layer of padding has come in handy. I hardly feel a thing! Thanks ice cream and candy bars!

bump #61: IVF + and -

One month until IVF retrieval and transfer!
2 weeks until all those dreaded daily injections.

6 weeks until we know if it worked.

Cue the time machine!

I have never felt so close or so far from my dream of being a mom.  I've also been in this really weird head space where everything feels like life or death. I think it's because it will either work or it won't; positive or negative, 50/50. I'm super on edge and hyper sensitive. I've been on birth control pills for 5 weeks so there may be some hormonal correlation :) This is it! This is our greatest chance at finally starting our family, but it isn't the way I wanted it to happen at all. Obviously I am beyond grateful for technology and that this is even an option for us, but I'm also mourning the loss of a "natural" pregnancy. Even if this protocol works, it hasn't solved the problem. It has just created a loophole the size of a petri dish. Are jokes about petri dishes offensive to IVFers? Oh well, I'm one of them now. 

Maybe infertility isn't a problem to solve and I need to just get over it, but it's still frustrating!

Amidst the frustration, I've created a mental list of pros and cons of IVF. Most of the cons are fleeting (a big 'ol pile of debt, anesthesia, extra discomfort from meds, potential complications, a million doctors appointments). But really, that's nothing. The pros win out every time because the pros are forever. 

bump #60: sunsets and salinograms

Friday date night: a sunset picnic at the beach on Coronado Island. Perfection.

I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to always have something to look forward to. Whether it's a vacation or a bowl of ice cream or a new lipstick, especially when you're bogged down with letdowns in the world of infertility, you need something good to happen to you in the foreseeable future. Unfortunately, fertility treatments are freaking expensive so our non-existent budget for vacations has dwindled into the negative digits. Don't fret, I ate pie alamode with breakfast and got a new MAC shade so ice cream and lipstick are still going strong!  Luckily we live in a beautiful city where white sand beaches abound and it's always 75 degrees and sunny (I see those eye rolls, just know you are welcome to visit us anytime!). I am merely focusing on the positives here: our apartment feels a bit like living in a hotel room, but that only lends itself to my living-in-a-permanent-state-of-vacation fantasy. PS, the room service is terrible!

Coronado Island is this swanky little beach town that Andrew would always take me to in college. We could never afford to live there, but it's one of our favorite spots in San Diego because the second your feet hit the sand you are instantly transported to that carefree vacation place and, for a minute at least, you're distracted by all the beauty and goodness around you. Also, you're shaking your head at those two idiots who are crazy enough to get in the freezing ocean. They really must be on vacation.

My point is, I needed that beautiful sunset. I needed the reminder of a chapter closing and a fresh start and light in the darkness and something better to look forward to. We took a year and a half break from fertility treatment because it was awful and got us nowhere. It only makes sense that I am reluctant to jump back into all of that. But our options are limited and we want a family more than we're afraid of failure and heartache.

So here we go again.

Thursday morning, well 11 a.m. because I am not going to waste sleeping in on a sick day, Andrew and I had our initial consultation at the San Diego Fertility Center. Everything went as well as can be expected. The doctor was wonderful, and she said we could take whatever course of action we are comfortable with. After discussing our 3 failed IUI's, she made the obvious case for IVF, which we've been anticipating for the last year and a half anyway. IUI's have a 17 percent success rate, at best, while IVF has a 50-60% success rate. In 4 years of trying, we have gotten pregnant zero times. The problem is, for whatever reason, the egg and sperm are not combining or the embryo is just not attaching. We still don't really know what the specific problem is, so we are completing a lot of the procedures we have already done again.

I was hoping to "fast pass" through all that, but no such luck. The only thing I don't have to do again is the HSG because my fallopian tubes should still be open. That's a relief because I hated that day!

So far, I had a day 4 ultrasound revealing 17 follicles, I gave 6 vials of blood for labwork, Andrew is scheduled for another semen analysis (I always giggle when they hand us the paper bag at the end of our appointment. I'm mature like that.), and Tuesday I have a saline-hysterogram to be sure my fibroid/polyp hasn't come back. The plan is to finish up this school year and start IVF in July. {Currently googling "how to save $25,000 in 4 months"} A miracle pregnancy is still totally welcome :)

11 years ago, when Andrew and I had our first Coronado Island date, we talked about someday getting married and starting a family. Here we are still trying to figure out the family part. I had hoped that by now, we'd be bringing our kids to play at that beach. We'd bring Maddie, but the beach isn't dog friendly. Jerks. Why you gotta add insult to injury?!

bump #59: it doesn't get easier

The bumps are few and far between these days. And really they're more like twinges, little jabs that catch me off guard... Someone else is pregnant at work, the only parking spot available is the one that says "expectant mother", the baby clothes at Target are so adorable that I have to intentionally walk the outer perimeter of the store when I'm shopping so I don't have to look at them.  It just hurts.  I don't have new thoughts on this never ending struggle, or even the words to write. I can sum up the last 4 years in a wimpy little sentence:

Trying to have a baby is hard, and it doesn't get easier.

My friends who are parents will probably tell you that having a baby is hard, and it doesn't get easier either.  They're right. {Insert comment about the grass always being greener...}

I can't explain why, but I really thought it would get easier. That at some point I would just accept the fact that I can't have a baby (without serious medical intervention and miracles) and move on.

But I can't move on.

For the last year and a half I have actively avoided fertility treatment. It is easier to view it as a distant possibility like "we can always do IVF, surrogacy, adoption" than to deal with the real potential for failure. It goes from being an open-ended option to being the only option, which makes it a lot scarier. I know IVF is the next step if I ever want to experience pregnancy, but I also know that if it doesn't work I'll feel like there are no more steps left. Somehow 3 failed IUI's doesn't bring out my optimism about moving forward with IVF. Yes, every procedure is independent of the others and has an equally likely chance of success, but it feels like my chance of success is always zero.

I need to come at this from a different perspective. My heart is heavy and hurting and I'm ready for it to feel different.

A couple months ago, I read this post from one of my favorite writers, Jen Hatmaker, and something she wrote resonated with me. The gist of it was this: we pray and pray, and "we often don't end up with what we wanted, but we somehow end up with a different heart."

Obviously, I have not ended up with what I wanted, but somehow I know God is working on my heart.

bump #58: this path

²¹ Your ears will hear sweet words behind you: “Go this way. There is your path; this is how you should go” whenever you must decide whether to turn to the right or the left.

-Isaiah 30:21

This life is full of decisions. Easy ones, challenging ones, and the decisions you put off as long as possible. Marrying Andrew was the easiest decision. No brainer. Best decision I ever made. Picking a college major, not so easy, but ultimately inconsequential. Plus, think of how "well rounded" (read indecisive and scholastically shallow) I am for having studied everything from computer programming to flat pattern making. Ironically, I don't know how to operate my mac or change the needle in my sewing machine. Guess I slipped through the cracks in academia land. Deciding to move to Texas was a toughie, but it was a case of God closing doors and opening a window.  A hot, humid window to a perpetual sauna, but you get the idea. Looking back, it was really good for us. It made us stronger. I hope to one day be able to say the same for infertility. Obviously minus the "really good" part and emphasis on the "stronger." Some decisions change the course of your whole life.

Deciding to start a family was an easy decision.

At first.

And then it wasn't.

The last 3 years of not knowing how, or when, or if that "family" will ever happen for us has been the worst. I try to live a life without regrets, without worrying "if only we had done this or that". But I regret a lot of things. I regret silly things like stock piling ovulation predictors and believing as long as I was ovulating each month there wasn't a problem. I regret buying gender neutral baby clothes the day we threw out the birth control. (Although if I'm being honest, shabby chic pink rose onesies are not the definition of gender neutral. I will still make a case for the leopard print, though.) I regret bargaining with God... please tell me I'm not the only one who has done this. God, please, please let us have a baby! If you let me get pregnant I will shout from the rooftops how wonderful and amazing you are. I'll be that obnoxious girl on Facebook that starts all status updates with "Praise the Lord...", "God is so good!" I'll read the Bible everyday, all day, well at least cover to cover in a year. And other much sillier promises that amount to me sounding like a whiney brat. It doesn't work that way, and I regret thinking that I could change God's mind. Obviously this is all part of His plan and I regret not trusting him fully and failing in my faith daily.

I do praise Him though, because His faithfulness is new every morning,

and I surely need it.

This week was rough. The kind of week where you question everything. Is this the right job? Is this the right path?  Are we where we're supposed to be?  Do my shoes match? Seriously questioning everything. And then I opened my Bible, because God didn't get back to me on that whole "if I read my Bible everyday for a year" thing, so I'm still holding out :) and I read that verse in Isaiah.

"Sweet words behind you... this is your path."

And then there was calm. The calm that only comes from the Holy Spirit. Only He can take this mess of a week, this mess of the last few years, and breathe new life into it.

I didn't choose this path. Let's get real, nobody chooses it!  But I do choose to believe that God is at work here, that "He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion."

So I continue on this path.