bump #21: compartmentalizing

A big word to describe a little of how I feel.

So much of life lately feels compartmentalized. Like I can just tuck tidbits away and only share what I want to with who I want to. It's rather deceptive, making it seem like I have a handle on things. I'm pretty sure I don't have a split personality or schizophrenia, I'm just a selective sharer. Not that I'm not a blabbermouth who over-shares all the time, but it seems like I've had a lot to process in the last few months and rather than lay it all out on the table, I've put it into little compartments to deal with later.

It's later.

And I still don't want to deal with it.

Just so we're on the same page, my "it" is the unattainable baby bump and the weight of equal parts worry and sadness that keep seeping out even though I've crammed them way in the back of the "dangit, I'm still not pregnant" dresser drawer. note to self: I need a better storage solution!

For others it is something else entirely, and of even greater importance than my inability to conceive.
Just so we're still on the same page, my whole life isn't about infertility, only this blog is :)

But whatever it is, hiding it away until a better, later time to deal with it is not the solution.

That is no more effective than putting a leash on a grizzly bear and anticipating a leisurely stroll.

*going to Alaska in a couple weeks, so I've got grizzlies on the brain!*

At this point, I'm just realizing that I need a new coping mechanism.

Symphony bars and spirits might be a suitable replacement (which coincidentally leads me to my vote of If you aren't offering chocolate or margaritas, then shut the hell up as a great title for Erika and Amanda's next book)

bump # 20: this break won't end

Taking a break from infertility sounded good in theory. 

Too good.

As if you could simply push something so pervasive from your mind voluntarily.

But come on, we all know that taking said break was really code for "Fertility Center of San Antonio is overbooked this month, so bren's bum uterus is on the backburner."

I hate the back burner. It's where yucky stuff like okra goes. Gross.

Knowing that there is no way (nothing short of a miracle) that we can attain pregnancy before undergoing hysteroscopy (getting that okra-like polyp out of my uterus), and of course no guarantee even after that, I am SO OVER THIS BREAK!!!

Can we just call it what it is... a whopping waste of time.

Everything is getting pushed so far back.  I keep losing months.  Even after that surgery I have to complete a round of birth control while everything heals. Another month gone.

My reproductive system is synonymous with birth control.

Listen up reproductive system - your break is almost over and when it is, you better kick it into high gear to make up for all this lost time!

bump #19: plenty of time

Summer is here and for us teachers that means vacation! {woot woot}

I had high hopes that this Summer break would be a good time to get all those pain in the @$$ fertility procedures out of the way now that my schedule is so flexible.  Hooray for free time!

However, apparently just because I have a newfound flexible schedule does not mean the doctors do. Boo hoo.

After my last appointment (you know, the one where they said I needed surgery but they can't get me in for another month - yeah that one) I realized that this Summer is NOT going to be the one where everything goes as planned.

"Earth to Bren: when has anything EVER gone as planned?"

Rather than wallow while waiting (I mean it's not like I'm looking forward to a hysteroscopy)
I am embracing these next couple weeks off and putting baby-making plans on the back burner.

I am enjoying sleeping in every morning and wearing pajamas until noon.

I am eating ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner whenever I want because it makes me happy.

I am reading books like this one because it's informative and good for a giggle.

I am reading articles like this one because it makes my childless life seem pretty fantastic.

I am researching fun things to do for our family reunion next month in Alaska. I love an adventure!
- Silver lining: eating all that ice cream has given me a nice plump layer of chub to keep me warm and cozy in the cold Alaskan weather :)

This Summer is not exactly what I thought it would be, but I'm done putting parameters on pregnancy. (Examples: "Last year at this time I was certain we'd be a family of 3 by now" or "if we don't have a baby by (insert any date) I'm going to (do something completely non-sensical)"

Pregnancy parameters is a silly game that only ends in sad face with a side of sass.

Summer break is a gift of time to be spent however I want, and I am not going to waste any of it worrying about IF stuff. There's plenty of time for that later.

bump #18: taking a break

I am not a quitter.

I am just at my breaking point.

That's great that "God never gives you more than you can handle" but no one ever said that infertility won't.

3 months ago I had the most invasive procedure of my life (or so I thought) performed to determine why I was unable to get pregnant. The results came back normal. But I knew something was wrong.  

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago when our IUI failed because of an enormous polyp. (How did they not see this during the HSG all those months ago?)

Rewind to 3 hours ago when I went in for a saline hysterogram to essentially outline the polyp with water in order to get a clearer picture of it. {One side effect they forgot to mention is that the gallon or so of water they inserted is still leaking out of me even as I write this post. What a gross souvenir!}

Yes, it's still there. Just growing and causing trouble.

That brings us to right now. The point where I want to go back in time to that place where everything didn't revolve around failing at fertility.

No hysterosalpingogram.

No hysterocscopy.

No hysterical crying.

I am taking a break.

Mostly because the next bump in the process is the hysteroscopy and the next available appointment for this surgery isn't until mid July. But I am also taking a break because even after all of these months of trying to have a baby and having medical procedures done, I don't feel any closer to the finish line. In fact, if it's even possible, I feel farther than when we started.



bump #17: trust

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, In ALL your ways, acknowledge HIM and He shall direct your paths."  Proverbs 3:5&6

This is my favorite scripture. It was my senior quote. It is my "go to verse" when life doesn't make sense {all the time!}. These words are easy to remember and recite. They are reassuring.

Trusting God with my whole heart should be easy. Especially when it is juxtaposed with trying to figure everything out on my own. It's not rocket science: trust God and be at peace, or stress myself out to no end trying to make sense of everything.  I know His yoke is easy and his burden is light. But still I choose my difficult yoke and heavy burden everytime. It is familiar to me. I don't quite know how to let it go. I don't know if I really want to let go.

Plus, I think I can handle it on my own. I trust that God is good, that He loves me, and He is taking care of everything. But that's not enough for me. If I want something done right, I have to do it myself. It is as if trusting God means admitting defeat.

Pride rears its ugly head :(

I know that I need God; that ultimately nothing good can happen apart from Him. I also know that trusting Him does not equal giving up or quitting.

But trusting Him completely with this fertility fiasco seems impossible right now.

It was easy to trust when things were going according to my plan, but lately my plan has been hijacked!  I'm struggling to find the balance between trusting Him during this season of confusion and doing everything I can to get on the right path ~ the pregnancy path :)

I know this is a test that will ultimately strengthen my trust in God. I'm just not the best test taker!