bump #26: back to the drawing board

Back to BBT (Basal Body Temperature Charting)

Back to the 6 AM alarm clock reminding me to take my temperature every morning and ever so neatly circle it and connect the dots each day looking for some kind of pattern that proves my body is doing what it is supposed to.

Can I be candid with you and just say that I don't think the dots are lining up right? Not just on that chart (because it's day 4 of my cycle and I've only taken my temp once!) but in my life. Connecting the dots is supposed to be easy.

Dot #1: get pregnant  Dot #2: have a baby  Dot #3: be happy. 

Ok so there are a few "dots" missing in the equation, namely Dot #4: dress said baby up in cute clothes and take a million photos, but you get the idea. I'm beginning to think that my coloring book is crapped out and there aren't even any dots to connect in it. I know it takes time, and at first it's just a mess, but once all the dots are connected it makes a beautiful picture. The problem is that all I see is a blank page.


So for now my temperature chart looks like this:

{blank}

dot. dot. dot.

bump #25: cautiously optimistic

That is how I would describe our outlook after our post-op visit with the doctor on Friday, cautiously optimistic.

We are cautious because this is not our first bump in the road on infertility boulevard. It is the 25th bump. It is also nearing the 25th month that we have been hoping and praying for a baby. Ouch. For all I know there could be 25 more bumps just around the corner. And it is for that very reason that I just upped my credit limit enabling me to self medicate with retail therapy as needed.

Kidding. Kind of.

We are optimistic because it appears that all of the known obstacles (namely that pesky polyp) are out of the way. And it only took like 5 incredibly painful, expensive, and invasive procedures! That sounds sassy, but believe me, I know that it could have been way worse, so I am actually seriously grateful that fingers crossed the worst is over. At least, at this point, we have done everything we possibly can on our end to overcome infertility. So yes, we are optimistic.

But optimistic doesn't necesarilly mean happy. It means we're trying to see the good in all of this. Trying to see God in all of this. It hasn't been easy. Optimistic does not mean that we are all smiles and sunshine. And I'm learning that that's ok.

Don't read too much into that, I am still a happy, bubbly bren. This has just been a very challenging season in our lives and God is showing me that he loves me and carries me through the good times and the tough times and I don't have to pretend like everything is great all the time. It's character building :)   

It actually felt strange to leave the fertility center and not have to schedule another procedure, or make an appointment for an exploratory ultrasound, or fill a prescription. It was a relief, but it was also rather anti-climactic being done there. I wasn't expecting a diploma or some kind of congratulatory ceremony. But in hindsight a little gold medal or something would have been nice. I mean, it is the olympics afterall.  No, on the surface it was just a doctor's office, but inside it felt more like I was leaving a war zone. Battle-scarred, broken, tired, and just over it.

I feel like after all we have done, we are still back at bump #1.
In my head I know that's not true. But my heart needs some convincing.

In fact, I have some pretty disgusting photos from the hysteroscopy last month that prove bump #1 is a thing of the past.

(Sorry for the gross factor, but my life mantra is "pics or it didn't happen", so here are a few pics.)

If you think of it like a blimp, it's not quite as icky.

The doctor explained all of this to me... something about how he removed the polyp and scraped out the potential polyps.
I don't remember what else he said, I just remember thinking, who knew I was growing coral in my uterus?

So here we are.

We don't know what happens next.

We are ok with that. We are working on being ok with that.

bump #24: be still

Sorry for the hiatus! Let’s catch up, shall we?

I am still alive.
I am still not pregnant.

　

“Be still and know that I am God.”

　
Still doesn’t sound like a great place to be, it sounds counter-productive and lazy (spoken from a true obsessive-compulsive, multi-tasking busy-body). I don’t have the patience or desire to just chill and be still. And yet I hear God clearly telling me to be still right now.


The conversation goes something like this:

Me: God, what in the world is wrong with me? Why can’t I have a baby?
God: Be still and know that I am God
Me: Ok, but what about the six girls on my newsfeed that had perfect, precious babies last week? They are the same age I was when I started trying to get pregnant. What’s up with that?
God: Be still and know that I am God.
Me: Um yeah, you said that already. Duly noted.  Thinks ’yeah, I’ll have plenty of time to be still once I have a nice big baby bump and am restricted to bed rest.’ 
God: {face palm} - at least that’s what I imagine his response to be :)

　
The conversation doesn’t always end there, but His response is always the same. It’s kind of infuriating. Until I realize that He keeps telling me the same thing not because he is a recorder on playback, but because I am simply not getting it. His words go right over my head (FYI: I am 4’11” so most things do go right over my head!) Perhaps He is a little infuriated with my response as well. Ugh. I keep missing the point. Can anyone relate? I so want to please my heavenly Father and live a life that reflects his truth, but my tiny brain just can’t fathom how He loves me so much when I miss the mark so bad.

I’ve tried to be still. I even tried yoga once. It was a disaster of epic proportions. My downward dog looked like disco duck. Don’t ask! I don’t think He understands just how hard it is for me to be still. There are way too many things for me to be busy worrying about. I guess that’s why he doesn’t stop there. He goes on to say AND know that I am God. Apparently these concepts go hand in hand. It has always been easier for me to know that He is God. Of course I don’t acknowledge it when I act like I am, but deep down I know. He is good at reminding me.

Here is an example:

I am terrified of the ocean. (Luckily cruise ships combat that fear!)
It all started when I was 4 years old and walking at Shell Beach collecting shells. Imagine that! (I feel it important to say that this was the only time I ever went to the beach without my mom, and of course, the only time I almost drowned.) I ventured out into the water and it was only up to my knees so I took a couple more steps. Unbeknownst to me, the sandbar I was walking on dropped off suddenly and the water was immediately over my head. I panicked. I had taken swimming lessons, but the elementary backstroke of “monkey, airplane, soldier” wasn’t going to save me from that current. I dropped my handful of seashells and my arms were flailing, I was not a svelte tot and was sinking fast. I reached up as high as I could and still was underwater. My eyes stung from the saltwater so I closed them tightly and just as I did, I felt something hit my feet. It was flat and soft and it lifted me back to where I could stand. It could have been an angel or a stingray or a wad of seaweed, but whatever it was, God used it to rescue me. When my arms were flailing and I was sinking down, down, down, he was already there to pull me out.


God wants to rescue us.

All he asks is that we be still so that He can. 

Bottom line: We cannot rescue ourselves. We need to get out of our own way so that He can.

Right now I am drowning in a sea of infertility.

It sucks.

He knows. He is already here to pull me out.

But sometimes I am not still; sometimes I worry that He has let go of me for a minute, you know to see if I can swim. 

I can't.
So I panic.   

And then I turn on the radio and this is what I hear:

Oh no, you never let go
Through the calm and through the storm.
Oh no, you never let go
Every high and every low.
Oh no, you never let go
Lord, you never let go of me…

I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on.
There will be an end to these troubles, but until that day comes,
Still I will praise you
Still I will praise you.

image via

　

bump #23: recovering and moving on

*** We are celebrating our 5 year anniversary this weekend... check out pics here ***

Ok, so day 2 after hysteroscopy was harder. The bleeding mostly stopped, but the cramps got worse. It will be two weeks before the doctor calls with results from the biopsy but most polyps are benign so we aren't too worried. I have been recovering on the couch with a delicious box of chocolates courtesy of MIL and had a lot of snuggle time with my sweet puppy (she's 2 and a half, but tiny so she'll always be my pup!) She is coincidentally in heat right now, so we are sort of commiserating together...

Chocolate makes everything better, (or vanilla for maddie bear)

I am only slightly embarassed to admit that it took me 2 days to realize that I still had those surgery snap things stuck on me. I'm still not exactly sure what they were for, but when I went to get in the shower and noticed them I thought "oh my gosh, I've turned into a robot... cool."

So I expect to be fully recovered by tomorrow (our 5 year anniversary!) and then on Monday we make the 2 day drive to California/Alaska to visit our families for about a month. (Yes, we are always on vacation :) Perfect timing because that gives me just enough time to finish this month's pack of birth control pills and hopefully get back on a normal cycle schedule so that we can start trying to conceive naturally in 6 to 8 weeks (doctor recommends to wait at least a month to let my system heal). That puts us at August-September. We might consider IUI again in October or November. Maybe. No surprise that I'm not eager to inflict anymore pain on my body!

Here's the deal:

As fun as getting all of these procedures done has been (gag) and the overwhelming excitement followed by underwhelming disappointment of a failed IUI, we are going to take a little time off from the infertility center and doctors and try to make a baby au naturale for a while.  Assuming those polyps were the main cause of our inability to get pregnant (apparently the big one "papa polyp" was really big and in the worst spot possible for embryo implantation),

Hopefully the worst is over.
Hopefully bump #24 (or even 25 or 26, I'm willing to be flexible) is finally the real baby bump. Hopefully there will be no more surgeries and no more things other than babies taking up space in my uterus.

Yes we are hopeful, but we are also realistic.

Realistically there could be a whole other plethora of problems preventing pregnancy. The more books I read the more I am convinced that I have a whole laundry list of ailments. So we will continue praying for wisdom and what steps to take next, we will trust that God knows better than we do and is already taking care of everything, I will stop reading books that freak me out (or at least skip over some parts), and we will enjoy an entire month of being surrounded by family and friends that love and support us (and some of the littler ones even help curb our desire to be parents one stinky diaper and tantrum at a time, bless their hearts!)

It's the middle of the year and thus far 2012 has been mostly a let-down. I like to dwell on the positives, but this year has been tough for that. In the whole analogy of "cup half full or half empty" I gotta say irrelevant: my cup is shattered into a million pieces right now and the water is spilled all over the floor. But the year is only half over and still has a chance at redeeming itself. Hopefully 2012 will be the year that started out awful and turned awesome.

Hopefully.

bump #22: hysteroscopy

Two times in my life I've been put under with anesthesia. Once when I was 17 and getting my wisdom teeth pulled and once this morning prior to undergoing a hysteroscopic polypectomy (outpatient surgery to remove uterine polyps). Suffice it to say I am currently extremely groggy and, thankfully, adequately drugged.

I am just so glad it's over!

These are the only pictures I took:

The actual surgery only took about 30 minutes, but we left our house at 9 this morning and did not get home until after 4. We had to go to our doctor's office first to sign papers and pay fees and then we had to go to the hospital where the procedure was performed and get prepped, sign more documents, and pay more fees. Ugh. It is what it is. At least our mission was accomplished!  I am happy to report that big fat polyp is gone and so are a couple little baby polyps that were trying to form.  Bet they didn't see this coming!

For about a millisecond I considered posting a couple pre and post procedure shots (obviously I did not take any photos during) but a couple days before my appointment I did some research that convinced me that "Hysteroscopy: the facebook album" might not be as widely appreciated as one might think. (surprise, surprise).  The research I conducted was not exactly textbook.

Ok, it was Youtube research.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.

I've seen a lot of grotey-gro-gross stuff but the videos on the internet pertaining to this minor little procedure were something straight out of a horror film. Something to the effect of "When vaginas attack get attacked." TMI doesn't begin to describe it.

Needless to say I did not actually manage to sit through any one whole video in it's entirety.
But there were a couple honorable mentions I'll leave you with in my drug-addled state:

This video started off great, with a little pun about being in the land down under. I appreciated the humor until about 20 seconds in when the fun 80's music stopped and talk of "di-luh-tation of the cervical caw-vity" commenced.  Yeah, you lost me there Aussie.

And I'm sure that This video was particularly informative, but I was too distracted by the narrator lady saying uterus every 5 seconds (seriously 26 times in 3 minutes, I counted).

I'm going to be honest with you, there are many better ways to spend your Thursday afternoon.

Like cleaning sink drains or bleaching toilets.
Getting a colonoscopy or... wait that just might be worse than what I had to endure today.
Thank God for butt procedures, the only thing worse than lady part procedures.

This bumpy, infertility plagued road has taught me time and time again the value of perspective.

It could always be worse. 

One of the books I've been reading says "don't worry, none of the procedures you have to go through for infertility treatment even compare to the pain of childbirth." Really, you don't say?!

Somehow that doesn't offer me much solace!

bump #21: compartmentalizing

A big word to describe a little of how I feel.

So much of life lately feels compartmentalized. Like I can just tuck tidbits away and only share what I want to with who I want to. It's rather deceptive, making it seem like I have a handle on things. I'm pretty sure I don't have a split personality or schizophrenia, I'm just a selective sharer. Not that I'm not a blabbermouth who over-shares all the time, but it seems like I've had a lot to process in the last few months and rather than lay it all out on the table, I've put it into little compartments to deal with later.

It's later.

And I still don't want to deal with it.

Just so we're on the same page, my "it" is the unattainable baby bump and the weight of equal parts worry and sadness that keep seeping out even though I've crammed them way in the back of the "dangit, I'm still not pregnant" dresser drawer. note to self: I need a better storage solution!

For others it is something else entirely, and of even greater importance than my inability to conceive.
Just so we're still on the same page, my whole life isn't about infertility, only this blog is :)

But whatever it is, hiding it away until a better, later time to deal with it is not the solution.

That is no more effective than putting a leash on a grizzly bear and anticipating a leisurely stroll.

*going to Alaska in a couple weeks, so I've got grizzlies on the brain!*

At this point, I'm just realizing that I need a new coping mechanism.

Symphony bars and spirits might be a suitable replacement (which coincidentally leads me to my vote of If you aren't offering chocolate or margaritas, then shut the hell up as a great title for Erika and Amanda's next book)

bump # 20: this break won't end

Taking a break from infertility sounded good in theory. 

Too good.

As if you could simply push something so pervasive from your mind voluntarily.

But come on, we all know that taking said break was really code for "Fertility Center of San Antonio is overbooked this month, so bren's bum uterus is on the backburner."

I hate the back burner. It's where yucky stuff like okra goes. Gross.

Knowing that there is no way (nothing short of a miracle) that we can attain pregnancy before undergoing hysteroscopy (getting that okra-like polyp out of my uterus), and of course no guarantee even after that, I am SO OVER THIS BREAK!!!

Can we just call it what it is... a whopping waste of time.

Everything is getting pushed so far back.  I keep losing months.  Even after that surgery I have to complete a round of birth control while everything heals. Another month gone.

My reproductive system is synonymous with birth control.

Listen up reproductive system - your break is almost over and when it is, you better kick it into high gear to make up for all this lost time!

bump #19: plenty of time

Summer is here and for us teachers that means vacation! {woot woot}

I had high hopes that this Summer break would be a good time to get all those pain in the @$$ fertility procedures out of the way now that my schedule is so flexible.  Hooray for free time!

However, apparently just because I have a newfound flexible schedule does not mean the doctors do. Boo hoo.

After my last appointment (you know, the one where they said I needed surgery but they can't get me in for another month - yeah that one) I realized that this Summer is NOT going to be the one where everything goes as planned.

"Earth to Bren: when has anything EVER gone as planned?"

Rather than wallow while waiting (I mean it's not like I'm looking forward to a hysteroscopy)
I am embracing these next couple weeks off and putting baby-making plans on the back burner.

I am enjoying sleeping in every morning and wearing pajamas until noon.

I am eating ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner whenever I want because it makes me happy.

I am reading books like this one because it's informative and good for a giggle.

I am reading articles like this one because it makes my childless life seem pretty fantastic.

I am researching fun things to do for our family reunion next month in Alaska. I love an adventure!
- Silver lining: eating all that ice cream has given me a nice plump layer of chub to keep me warm and cozy in the cold Alaskan weather :)

This Summer is not exactly what I thought it would be, but I'm done putting parameters on pregnancy. (Examples: "Last year at this time I was certain we'd be a family of 3 by now" or "if we don't have a baby by (insert any date) I'm going to (do something completely non-sensical)"

Pregnancy parameters is a silly game that only ends in sad face with a side of sass.

Summer break is a gift of time to be spent however I want, and I am not going to waste any of it worrying about IF stuff. There's plenty of time for that later.

bump #18: taking a break

I am not a quitter.

I am just at my breaking point.

That's great that "God never gives you more than you can handle" but no one ever said that infertility won't.

3 months ago I had the most invasive procedure of my life (or so I thought) performed to determine why I was unable to get pregnant. The results came back normal. But I knew something was wrong.  

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago when our IUI failed because of an enormous polyp. (How did they not see this during the HSG all those months ago?)

Rewind to 3 hours ago when I went in for a saline hysterogram to essentially outline the polyp with water in order to get a clearer picture of it. {One side effect they forgot to mention is that the gallon or so of water they inserted is still leaking out of me even as I write this post. What a gross souvenir!}

Yes, it's still there. Just growing and causing trouble.

That brings us to right now. The point where I want to go back in time to that place where everything didn't revolve around failing at fertility.

No hysterosalpingogram.

No hysterocscopy.

No hysterical crying.

I am taking a break.

Mostly because the next bump in the process is the hysteroscopy and the next available appointment for this surgery isn't until mid July. But I am also taking a break because even after all of these months of trying to have a baby and having medical procedures done, I don't feel any closer to the finish line. In fact, if it's even possible, I feel farther than when we started.



bump #17: trust

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, In ALL your ways, acknowledge HIM and He shall direct your paths."  Proverbs 3:5&6

This is my favorite scripture. It was my senior quote. It is my "go to verse" when life doesn't make sense {all the time!}. These words are easy to remember and recite. They are reassuring.

Trusting God with my whole heart should be easy. Especially when it is juxtaposed with trying to figure everything out on my own. It's not rocket science: trust God and be at peace, or stress myself out to no end trying to make sense of everything.  I know His yoke is easy and his burden is light. But still I choose my difficult yoke and heavy burden everytime. It is familiar to me. I don't quite know how to let it go. I don't know if I really want to let go.

Plus, I think I can handle it on my own. I trust that God is good, that He loves me, and He is taking care of everything. But that's not enough for me. If I want something done right, I have to do it myself. It is as if trusting God means admitting defeat.

Pride rears its ugly head :(

I know that I need God; that ultimately nothing good can happen apart from Him. I also know that trusting Him does not equal giving up or quitting.

But trusting Him completely with this fertility fiasco seems impossible right now.

It was easy to trust when things were going according to my plan, but lately my plan has been hijacked!  I'm struggling to find the balance between trusting Him during this season of confusion and doing everything I can to get on the right path ~ the pregnancy path :)

I know this is a test that will ultimately strengthen my trust in God. I'm just not the best test taker!

bump #16: setbacks

Yesterday morning I went in for bloodwork. {Ouchy! It left a bruise the size of Texas on my arm} I am all too familiar with the phrase "adding insult in injury".  The tests came back negative so our first iui was officially a colossal failure. {This is my surprised face *no expression*} This is most likely due to that polyp they found a couple weeks ago.  So next Wednesday I have an appointment for a salinogram, an ultrasound in which water is used to determine the location and size of the polyp. Sometime after that I will go in for a hysteroscopy, an outpatient surgical procedure to remove the polyp. As if all of this isn't a big enough set back to Project Pregnancy, I will also be put on birth control during that time, (and am not entirely sure what the purpose of that is because after all of those painful appointments I can pretty much guarantee there is going to be no gettin' it on for a while!) In fact, going back on the pill is quite puzzling to me. I'm like let me get this straight, first I took birth control because I didn't want children and now I'm taking it because I do?  Meanwhile 3 more of my best friends from college are pregnant and all due at the same time. Peachy.  And I need to go get gifts for a double baby shower next weekend. The hits just keep on coming!

Note to self:
when I pick up my prescription for the pill remember to also pick up a packet of prozac =)

bump #15: BFN

The big fat negative I got on a preliminary pregnancy test wasn’t as upsetting as I expected it to be. Probably because I just got back from an awesome week in Cabo {see pictures HERE}

There’s definitely something to be said for keeping busy to take your mind off things. No time to get bummed out about baby-making May and iui #1 being a flop. Now we’re off to spend the weekend in Austin with some friends… other married couples who don’t have kids. My peeps J

bump #14: distractions

**This bump is my favorite**

and completely necessary if you find yourself struggling to get pregnant.

Distractions sometimes get a bad rap. 

I always tell my students not to be a distraction in class and bla bla bla.

I'm almost positive all they hear is the bla bla bla part.

I'm here to tell you that 

distractions can be absolutely awesome!

Everyone could use a distraction sometimes.

Something to take your mind off silly things like, I don't know, HSG, HCG, LH, and other abbreviations for words I shouldn't know.

Distractions don't obliterate those things, but they make them a little easier to handle.

Case and point... vacation.

Vacation is a lovely distraction, it transplants you from problems to paradise.

Bonus: There is no pee stick ruining your life in paradise.

And so next week will be a beautiful distraction.

I will be living it up in Cabo San Lucas with my mom and the girls.

There will be:
umbrella drinks (non alcoholic, just in case :)
white sand beaches with crystal clear water and tropical fish
and all the yummy mexican food I can eat, which is A LOT!!!

There will not be:
appointments at the fertility center
ovulation predictor kits
or nervous breakdowns

The Go Go's said it best: "Vacation's all I ever wanted!"

Well vacation and a baby, but I'll start with the vacation for now.