bump #21: compartmentalizing

A big word to describe a little of how I feel.

So much of life lately feels compartmentalized. Like I can just tuck tidbits away and only share what I want to with who I want to. It's rather deceptive, making it seem like I have a handle on things. I'm pretty sure I don't have a split personality or schizophrenia, I'm just a selective sharer. Not that I'm not a blabbermouth who over-shares all the time, but it seems like I've had a lot to process in the last few months and rather than lay it all out on the table, I've put it into little compartments to deal with later.

It's later.

And I still don't want to deal with it.

Just so we're on the same page, my "it" is the unattainable baby bump and the weight of equal parts worry and sadness that keep seeping out even though I've crammed them way in the back of the "dangit, I'm still not pregnant" dresser drawer. note to self: I need a better storage solution!

For others it is something else entirely, and of even greater importance than my inability to conceive.
Just so we're still on the same page, my whole life isn't about infertility, only this blog is :)

But whatever it is, hiding it away until a better, later time to deal with it is not the solution.

That is no more effective than putting a leash on a grizzly bear and anticipating a leisurely stroll.

*going to Alaska in a couple weeks, so I've got grizzlies on the brain!*

At this point, I'm just realizing that I need a new coping mechanism.

Symphony bars and spirits might be a suitable replacement (which coincidentally leads me to my vote of If you aren't offering chocolate or margaritas, then shut the hell up as a great title for Erika and Amanda's next book)

bump # 20: this break won't end

Taking a break from infertility sounded good in theory. 

Too good.

As if you could simply push something so pervasive from your mind voluntarily.

But come on, we all know that taking said break was really code for "Fertility Center of San Antonio is overbooked this month, so bren's bum uterus is on the backburner."

I hate the back burner. It's where yucky stuff like okra goes. Gross.

Knowing that there is no way (nothing short of a miracle) that we can attain pregnancy before undergoing hysteroscopy (getting that okra-like polyp out of my uterus), and of course no guarantee even after that, I am SO OVER THIS BREAK!!!

Can we just call it what it is... a whopping waste of time.

Everything is getting pushed so far back.  I keep losing months.  Even after that surgery I have to complete a round of birth control while everything heals. Another month gone.

My reproductive system is synonymous with birth control.

Listen up reproductive system - your break is almost over and when it is, you better kick it into high gear to make up for all this lost time!

bump #19: plenty of time

Summer is here and for us teachers that means vacation! {woot woot}

I had high hopes that this Summer break would be a good time to get all those pain in the @$$ fertility procedures out of the way now that my schedule is so flexible.  Hooray for free time!

However, apparently just because I have a newfound flexible schedule does not mean the doctors do. Boo hoo.

After my last appointment (you know, the one where they said I needed surgery but they can't get me in for another month - yeah that one) I realized that this Summer is NOT going to be the one where everything goes as planned.

"Earth to Bren: when has anything EVER gone as planned?"

Rather than wallow while waiting (I mean it's not like I'm looking forward to a hysteroscopy)
I am embracing these next couple weeks off and putting baby-making plans on the back burner.

I am enjoying sleeping in every morning and wearing pajamas until noon.

I am eating ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner whenever I want because it makes me happy.

I am reading books like this one because it's informative and good for a giggle.

I am reading articles like this one because it makes my childless life seem pretty fantastic.

I am researching fun things to do for our family reunion next month in Alaska. I love an adventure!
- Silver lining: eating all that ice cream has given me a nice plump layer of chub to keep me warm and cozy in the cold Alaskan weather :)

This Summer is not exactly what I thought it would be, but I'm done putting parameters on pregnancy. (Examples: "Last year at this time I was certain we'd be a family of 3 by now" or "if we don't have a baby by (insert any date) I'm going to (do something completely non-sensical)"

Pregnancy parameters is a silly game that only ends in sad face with a side of sass.

Summer break is a gift of time to be spent however I want, and I am not going to waste any of it worrying about IF stuff. There's plenty of time for that later.

bump #18: taking a break

I am not a quitter.

I am just at my breaking point.

That's great that "God never gives you more than you can handle" but no one ever said that infertility won't.

3 months ago I had the most invasive procedure of my life (or so I thought) performed to determine why I was unable to get pregnant. The results came back normal. But I knew something was wrong.  

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago when our IUI failed because of an enormous polyp. (How did they not see this during the HSG all those months ago?)

Rewind to 3 hours ago when I went in for a saline hysterogram to essentially outline the polyp with water in order to get a clearer picture of it. {One side effect they forgot to mention is that the gallon or so of water they inserted is still leaking out of me even as I write this post. What a gross souvenir!}

Yes, it's still there. Just growing and causing trouble.

That brings us to right now. The point where I want to go back in time to that place where everything didn't revolve around failing at fertility.

No hysterosalpingogram.

No hysterocscopy.

No hysterical crying.

I am taking a break.

Mostly because the next bump in the process is the hysteroscopy and the next available appointment for this surgery isn't until mid July. But I am also taking a break because even after all of these months of trying to have a baby and having medical procedures done, I don't feel any closer to the finish line. In fact, if it's even possible, I feel farther than when we started.



bump #17: trust

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, In ALL your ways, acknowledge HIM and He shall direct your paths."  Proverbs 3:5&6

This is my favorite scripture. It was my senior quote. It is my "go to verse" when life doesn't make sense {all the time!}. These words are easy to remember and recite. They are reassuring.

Trusting God with my whole heart should be easy. Especially when it is juxtaposed with trying to figure everything out on my own. It's not rocket science: trust God and be at peace, or stress myself out to no end trying to make sense of everything.  I know His yoke is easy and his burden is light. But still I choose my difficult yoke and heavy burden everytime. It is familiar to me. I don't quite know how to let it go. I don't know if I really want to let go.

Plus, I think I can handle it on my own. I trust that God is good, that He loves me, and He is taking care of everything. But that's not enough for me. If I want something done right, I have to do it myself. It is as if trusting God means admitting defeat.

Pride rears its ugly head :(

I know that I need God; that ultimately nothing good can happen apart from Him. I also know that trusting Him does not equal giving up or quitting.

But trusting Him completely with this fertility fiasco seems impossible right now.

It was easy to trust when things were going according to my plan, but lately my plan has been hijacked!  I'm struggling to find the balance between trusting Him during this season of confusion and doing everything I can to get on the right path ~ the pregnancy path :)

I know this is a test that will ultimately strengthen my trust in God. I'm just not the best test taker!

bump #16: setbacks

Yesterday morning I went in for bloodwork. {Ouchy! It left a bruise the size of Texas on my arm} I am all too familiar with the phrase "adding insult in injury".  The tests came back negative so our first iui was officially a colossal failure. {This is my surprised face *no expression*} This is most likely due to that polyp they found a couple weeks ago.  So next Wednesday I have an appointment for a salinogram, an ultrasound in which water is used to determine the location and size of the polyp. Sometime after that I will go in for a hysteroscopy, an outpatient surgical procedure to remove the polyp. As if all of this isn't a big enough set back to Project Pregnancy, I will also be put on birth control during that time, (and am not entirely sure what the purpose of that is because after all of those painful appointments I can pretty much guarantee there is going to be no gettin' it on for a while!) In fact, going back on the pill is quite puzzling to me. I'm like let me get this straight, first I took birth control because I didn't want children and now I'm taking it because I do?  Meanwhile 3 more of my best friends from college are pregnant and all due at the same time. Peachy.  And I need to go get gifts for a double baby shower next weekend. The hits just keep on coming!

Note to self:
when I pick up my prescription for the pill remember to also pick up a packet of prozac =)

bump #15: BFN

The big fat negative I got on a preliminary pregnancy test wasn’t as upsetting as I expected it to be. Probably because I just got back from an awesome week in Cabo {see pictures HERE}

There’s definitely something to be said for keeping busy to take your mind off things. No time to get bummed out about baby-making May and iui #1 being a flop. Now we’re off to spend the weekend in Austin with some friends… other married couples who don’t have kids. My peeps J

bump #14: distractions

**This bump is my favorite**

and completely necessary if you find yourself struggling to get pregnant.

Distractions sometimes get a bad rap. 

I always tell my students not to be a distraction in class and bla bla bla.

I'm almost positive all they hear is the bla bla bla part.

I'm here to tell you that 

distractions can be absolutely awesome!

Everyone could use a distraction sometimes.

Something to take your mind off silly things like, I don't know, HSG, HCG, LH, and other abbreviations for words I shouldn't know.

Distractions don't obliterate those things, but they make them a little easier to handle.

Case and point... vacation.

Vacation is a lovely distraction, it transplants you from problems to paradise.

Bonus: There is no pee stick ruining your life in paradise.

And so next week will be a beautiful distraction.

I will be living it up in Cabo San Lucas with my mom and the girls.

There will be:
umbrella drinks (non alcoholic, just in case :)
white sand beaches with crystal clear water and tropical fish
and all the yummy mexican food I can eat, which is A LOT!!!

There will not be:
appointments at the fertility center
ovulation predictor kits
or nervous breakdowns

The Go Go's said it best: "Vacation's all I ever wanted!"

Well vacation and a baby, but I'll start with the vacation for now.

bump #13: another appointment

Why?

Why are there so many appointments?

When I hesitantly made my initial consulation visit at FCSA (fertility center of san antonio) in March, I had no idea that I would be doing everything short of taking up permanent residence there.  It is becoming all too familiar and makes me think Cheers had it all wrong... Sometimes you wanna go where NOBODY knows your name.  There is simply no anonymity and these people know way more than just my name :)

I feel like I have spent more time at the doctor's office than anywhere else. Namely my job.

They must think I have something seriously wrong with me for the amount of times I have had to come in late or take random days off.  I suppose I do have something seriously wrong with me, but that is beside the point.

Last Saturday I went in for an ultrasound, Monday was the IUI, and now Friday they want me to come back for an estrogen and progesterone test to check my levels. {make sure they're increasing assuming the embryo is implanted} 3 visits in one week!

I am cancelling the appointment. 

My reasoning is 3-fold.

First, I am sick of spending every waking moment in that office. It takes a big chunk out of my day and there isn't even any good shopping or restaurants on that end of town to entice me.

Second, I take pride in my (usual) excellent attendance and do not want to miss anymore work for these annoying appointments. Let's be honest, with the large chunk of change that IF treatments cost, I really can't afford to!

Third, this IUI probably didn't take. And Friday morning is too soon to really tell either way, so best case scenario they say that the levels look great and I get my hopes up. Worst case, they say it was a collossal failure and I go into work late, sobbing the whole rest of the day.

There are so many "mechanical" components to this whole process, it feels very contrived and science-y, way more robotic than romantic. To be honest, sometimes it feels completely unnatural. And it is.

Getting pregnant should involve romance and candles, not forceps and catheters!

All that to say I want some part of this process to be normal.

Normal people don't have to track their estrogen and progesterone every week.

I don't want to either.

No more appointments that make me feel like a science experiment!

bump #12: IUI

It shouldn't come as a shock that I have not shared many details of the last few months/years of fertility troubles with anyone in real life (blog world excluded obviously!) 

Pregnancy, particularly pre-pregnancy, is very private. It's personal and fragile and I still don't quite have a handle on it. But blogging about it, just documenting these little bumps on the way to the big bump, is really helpful and healing.

I hope that one day in the not so distant future I can scan through these posts, with the cutest little baby in my lap :) and think "yeah, that pretty much sucked, but oh it was so worth it!" 


I hope that we're not going through all of this for nothing.


Not just the money, though I complained a lot about that here.

Not just the time, man it goes by so slow.

Not just the emotions, wowza! If this is how I feel pre-hormonal flare ups, I can't even imagine what bumped-up bren is going to be like!

Not just the sacrifice. I won't get to eat sushi or drink margaritas whenever I want, and I'm still going to get super fat.

Not just the pain.  I don't even want to know!

...........................................................................................................................................................

We had our first intrauterine insemination (IUI) appointment this morning and if it is successful and brings our long-awaited baby into our lives,

it will all be worth it.

But if it doesn't work out this time, we are prepared to do it all over again...

bump #11: mother's day

Today is Mother's Day.
It is bitter sweet.

I remember last year on this date, clinging to the hope that it would be the last Mother's Day I would have to spend as "not a mom." 

I remember people at church passing out long stemmed roses to all the mothers and having to pass them by. 

I remember taking a pregnancy test that very Sunday because I was a couple days late. And thinking that would be the sweetest day to find out I was having a baby.  But it was negative. Again.


Mother's Day makes me a little bit sad.
Is that terrible? Should I not even be saying that?

It feels like a club that I can't be a part of. Like I'm not good enough to get in.
It's a reminder of what I don't have. What I can't have.

Wagh.

Pity party of one are the words that keep running through my head.

I need to snap out of it. 

Not being a mom is not the worst thing in the world.

Not having a mom would be infinitely worse.

I love my moms (mine and andrew's) and when I think about Mother's Day as being about them {instead of about my big empty belly, house, bank account, etc} it changes my perspective.

It changes my heart.

So this Mother's Day I am going to be grateful for the amazing women in my life,

moms and non-moms alike.

I am also going to snuggle up with my puppy and eat donuts to my heart's content!

bump # 10: good news and bad news

Bad news first:

An ultrasound this morning revealed that there is a big fat polyp making itself cozy in my uterus.

Bummer.



Read more about uterine polyps here and here and here

We have no idea where it came from, or when. I have never had any of the listed symptoms and the HSG in March and the ultrasound last week showed no polyps. How did this happen? And what the heck is a polyp anyway?  My infertility vernacular is increasing everyday...

All I know is that polyps are benign tumors that form in the endometrium and thrive on estrogen. And they act as a barrier, taking up precious space where the baby is supposed to implant, making getting pregnant even harder. Also they increase the risk of miscarriage. Fantastic. Just where exactly is this excess estrogen coming from?  I haven't even eaten soy products in months.  {Although it does explain the last hormonal flare up post.}

Sidenote: My dad, bless his heart, has had to live with 6 females (2 of them being the canine persuasion, but we all know dogs can be real b*****es too) and when my sisters and I were having particularly emotional outbursts, my dad would always chime in "oops did I step on the estrogen button?"

I can now say with certainty, that this poopy polyp has stepped all over my estrogen button!



Here is what the bad news means...

The polyp will most likely need to be surgically removed before we will be able to achieve and maintain a pregnancy. This polyp came out of nowhere and right in the middle of our first IUI cycle.  And we are too far into this to just call it off now - I have already taken the prescribed femara to boost up my follicles (see good news below), I am doing the HCG injection tonight to bring on ovulation in the next 36 hours, and we are going to continue with the IUI on Monday.  The polyp might get in the way of the embryo implanting in the endometrium, resulting in no pregnancy this month. Or, we may be able to get pregnant anyway, but miscarry later due to complications from the polyp. Thanks bing.com, you nasty nuisance with nothing but bad news that sends me straight back to the bitter bandwagon!  Of course the doctors are very reassuring and explained example after example of all the patients with successful pregnancies where polyps were present and didn't interfere at all. Hopefully we'll be one of those couples.

But realistically we are never one of those couples. You know, the ones who get pregnant on the first try. Or the second try. Or... you get the idea.

So I am already planning on this month being a wash and anticipating another exciting invasive procedure next month called hysteroscopy. (This involves getting put under while scissors are crammed up in my business to literally cut out the polyp).
Oh goody. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse!


Now for the good news:

The femara seems to have worked and picked my left ovary to be the main contributor for this month's egg competition.

This is a picture of my big beautiful follicles 

(beauty is in the eye of the beholder - I totally get that saying now!)

Those big black blotches that look sort of like a peace sign are my follicles. 

Aren't they precious?!  The biggest one is almost 23 mm.

To put it in perspective, a good sized follicle for ovulation is 18 mm.

This chart above shows the sizes of the follicles... the next biggest one is 15 mm and could possibly ovulate as well.
Usually only one follicle releases an egg per month though. We'll take what we can get.

So here we are.

Taking the good with the bad and hoping for the best.

bump #9: the bitter bandwagon

I don't sugarcoat things. It's not my style.  My father-in-law has this saying, "it's like polishing a turd."  Infertility is a big fat turd crapping all over my life.

Okay, maybe that's a little extreme, but lately I have been having quite the pity party. 

I blame the hormones.
And facebook.

{Nowhere on the label does it say that one of the dominant side effects of femara is becoming a hater.} So I will say it here.  Those 'hater hormones' have been rearing their ugly head and putting this bren (sans baby bump) on the bitter bandwagon.

The worst is when I log onto facebook. I love FB, it used to be my happy place... all :) and LOL's.
Now it totally bums me out... all :( and FML.

Warning: I'm about to become a tiny bit  lot bit of a b-word. Please try to be understanding of the place I'm coming from, the bummed out, baby-less, bitter place. And please don't hate on this hater.

It's just that every. single. time. I turn on the computer I am bombarded with all these adorable little  - (no, that would be sugarcoating it) big obnoxious pictures of brand new babies and birth announcements and sonograms, which by the way are really wonky looking and should NOT be your profile pic. (sticks tongue out and makes gag noise)  I will of course recant that statement once I have my own mis-shapen blob of a pic of my ultrasound to plaster all over the internet. But for now, I am going to bash on them.

Wow, that felt pretty good. Can I vent just a little bit more?

Not to sound like a toddler, but it's really not fair. These newly-pregos are all newlyweds who just got married like a minute ago.  I have put years. Yes YEARS into this endeavor. Meanwhile they're nonchalantly popping out kids #2 and #3 while I'm still trying to figure out if I'm even ovulating each month. Not fair!

So while I'm still waiting and wishing for a baby I can't help it if I'm also wishing for a few extra stretchmarks and unsightly cankles for all of those perfectly prego people. JUST KIDDING!
(I of course hope that their babies are healthy and happy and all that.)

That's all for now from the brutally honest and {incredibly} bitter band wagon.